Week 2 begins

So we were walking home one day, and we saw Grant (in the grey, hes our housemate) standing under a tree outside the house. I said..."IS HE REALLY...??" Sure enough.. He was picking mulberries right off the tree and eating them. At first it was hilarious! Then Kasey joined in.... and I thought Why not? So this is our new favorite thing to do to pass the time.

Did I mention that I have a spider bite or something underneath my chin? Ya...take a look at it..it's gross. Try walking up to people and starting a conversation with THAT THING pertruding out of your face. Not fun. And it did look a LOT worse.. it was pretty much healing at this point.

We passed out free water and lemonade one day..the boys are dang excited..can't you tell? The next day we had free homemade ice cream.

So there are two Mormon missionaries here in Dinkytown. I have met them and talked with them a few times, just chit chat...nothing really. But they are basically doing the same thing we are, just talking to people and such. I wonder if they have a plan for this... I may ask them.

Let's see... we are starting a Bible Study on Thursday... so if you could pray for that. Over the next couple of days, we are going out, asking people to come...we'll see how that goes. And Friday night, we are having a movie night here at the Upper Room, with smoothies and root beer floats. Pray for that too...that connections will be made with people.

Next week, we are off to somewhere else... dont ask me where, I don't know. But somewhere else in either Minnesota or Wisconsin (?) another church plant is starting up. So the three of us and another girl (YAY) will be going there and doing some survey work for the week. I knew I shouldn't have told God that I didn't want to move around this summer..

Tonyyyyyyyyy

We are at Aubrey and Deanna's today.....and I almost feel like I am at home.

Well, I met up with Tony later that night. He was still at the coffee shop after dinner, so I joined him outside. I began to read my book and he took an interest in one of them and was skimming it. About 10 minutes into it, he stopped and asked, "What do you think about the Holy Spirit?" I was like.. CHECKA WHAT?! Where the heck did that come from? First, I tried to get him to tell me what he thought. I don't think he understood me. All he could do was nod and say he was Catholic. Dang it... that didn't go anywhere.

I am usually totally against the flat out "Who is Jesus to you?" type "evangelizing... but I had such a heavy heart. I mean... he asked about the Holy Spirit.. it's not like it would be COMPLETELY random. So I simply asked, "Since you asked about the Holy Spirit, let me ask, what do you think about Jesus?" All I got was a nod. SHOOT! Not what I was going for. I asked again, I think I even wrote it out this time. He said, "Same." He explained to me that he was baptized as a baby, that he grew up in church, and Jesus was the same. This was definitly not getting anywhere. The language was not this much of a problem earlier...why is it now? So I did the only thing I could think of... I went to Scripture. We looked at different pieces of scripture, some in the Gospels, some in Romans. And we simply discussed it. I basically laid out the gospel for him. He understood, but not completely.

So I asked him if he had a Bible of his own. He said yes. We made plans to meet the next day, same place, same table, same coffee shop, same time. We would read through a bit of John and discuss it.

Come the next day, I didn't feel like it. (I will get into that in another post) But I met Tony at 5 on the dot, same table, same coffee shop. When I first sat down, he gave me a keychain he had bought with the letter "A" on it... Well that was nice. Then, he pulled a T-shirt out of his bag. See, he coaches a basketball team at the YWCA in uptown Minneapolis. I am not totally sure, but I think the shirt was a gift. If I am expected to play, we are going to have some problems.

He also got out a Bible, and we opened up to John. We read through the first two chapters and discussed it a bit. Then, he kept asking me questions about the differences in Protestants and Catholics. When I tried to tell him that it didnt matter, he refused to take my attempt to dodge it. Somehow, though, we got off the topic, but had lost anything we had going with John.

As I was leaving, I grabbed the key chain and shirt. He insisted I also take the Bible. It was a Catholic Bible, and he said he already had one and knew that I didn't. I am continuing to pray for Tony.. and I ask that you do too. Not because he claims to be a Catholic...that's not the problem here (please don't hear me wrong). He just has a skewed idea of Christ... one that is mixed with church attendance and baptism, not one of living life to its fullest.

more pics... and some good stuff

my humble abode

mr aubrey... gotta love him

Well.... i know this is like a million posts in one day... oh well!

The other day, we sat out on our first day of prayerwalking. Notice to all, I am not a fan of prayerwalking. Go ahead...call me a bad Christian. It's not that I think it is pointless or anything. I just cannot stay focused during it, and I usually end up frustrated with myself. Well, we were walking alongside the fraternity houses at this time. One house had all of their windows open, and a rap song was blaring out from inside. Don't ask me the artist or title of the song..because I don't know, but as we passed, I kept hearing "Lord, give me a sign." Next thing I know, we are long passed the fraternity houses and I find myself repeating that same phrase over and over in my head, without realizing it. I quickly made that my prayer, that God would give me a sign...that through all of the frustration and awkwardness that has surrounded these past few days, that I AM called to be here.

Today, our assignment was to sit at a coffee shop (love it!) and engage in a conversation with someone and tell them why we are here. I was talking to my dear friend Lindsay on the phone when a nice, middle aged man sat next to me. I got off of the phone and finished my drink. He quickly smiled, pointed at my cup, I awkwardly nodded, and he took off with my cup. I had no idea what was going on! No worries. He came back later with my cup filled with coffee. We then started talking, kind of. He was from Russia, I think, and his English was very hard to discern. However, we were able to talk for over and hour and a half. We talked about why I was in Minneapolis, his times in Russia, his religious background, and so many other things. His name is Tony. I ask that you would pray for him. I have decided to regularly go to this coffee shop, "Espresso Royale," and sit outside, as I have the past few days. He says he is a regular here and would love to talk again. Pray that we are able to meet up and talk more about God's Word and who Christ is.

Me.... on our day of fishing

The Minneapolis Skyline

Gotta love Dinkytown

Good ol U of M

Look out Dinkytown!

The vacation is over.

We arrived in Dinkytown yesterday. A little explanation. Dinkytown is an area on the campus of the University of Minnesota. It is an art district..kinda. Lots of little shops, coffee shops, things like that. Real cute little place.
We are staying in a boarding house...which has proven to be an experience. The boys are on the first floor...big room... two couches, beds, a TV, fridge....the works. I am on the THIRD FLOOR (Yes, me, the laziest person ever, walking up and down 3 flights of stairs numerous times a day) in a closet. Seriously...its smaller than a room in Steen. I hope to put some pictures up soon, so you can share in this.

God is pushing me..in just about every direction. The whole VBS thing, moving around from place to place (I move again in 2 weeks...i DISTINCTLY remember telling God that I did NOT want to move around this summer), working on relationships with the boys on my team, a comical living arrangement, lots of prayerwalking (I don't do well at staying focused)...
Really, its to the point now that it's funny. I should have known not to tell God what I wanted.

Things are different here in Minneapolis though. The speed limits on the highways are 55! I could never do that! They have lights on the ends of the on ramps, telling you when to come on the freeway, and EVERYONE WALKS EVERYWHERE! We walked around yesterday afternoon for a little over an hour, prayerwalking the campus and such. It really is a beautiful place.

Hopefully, I will remember to bring in my camera to the Upper Room (the ministry we are working at) so I can upload some pics for you all to see.

Where is Minneapolis?

I AM FINALLY HERE!! I have taken Minneapolis by storm... well...maybe not so much.

But first, a pic from my time in dallas...

This is me and my VBS class of 3rd and 4th graders...i love em

We finally made it here yesterday. Our supervisor is out of town til Monday, so we are staying somewhere else for the weekend. Aubrey and Deanna, our host family, are my new favorite people. They are as sweet as pie. They are a retired couple that are just as nice as can be. I have loved spending time with them thus far. Aubrey is a precious older man and Deanna is a true Southern Belle. I may not know her very well, but I really admire her. She is an older lady, and still has a mentor, which I think is amazing. She is soft spoken, very much a lady, but so fun to be around.

Last night, we went to their church where they were having a prayer vigil for missions. This will be our church for the summer, too. I met some incredible people there, too. I can't wait to spend the summer getting to know these people more and more. There'e Rosie, who is from Brazil. She is so consumed with fire for God. And a girl from Romania ( I won't even TRY to spell her name) who is as sweet as ever. And Joan... I love her. She is Deanna's mentor. She is absolutely hilarious.

Today, Aubrey and Deanna took her to a Twins game. It was a lot of fun. Joan joined us as well, which made things much more entertaining. She is an older lady who REFUSES to keep up with technology. When Deanna asked her to get out her phone, Joan couldn't even figure out how to open it (it was a flip phone!). I love it. We realized tonight while at the game that neither me, Kasey, nor Bryan knew where we were. I thought about it, and I had no idea where Minnesota was, much less Minneapolis. We felt real dumb when we asked if we were close to NYC, Chicago, and DC. Needless to say, I have figured it out now.

And in case you were wondering too... Here's Minnesota..with Minneapolis in the lower right corner

I have heard a rumor that there may be other teams coming in from other places to work here this summer too. I am kinda hoping so, simply so I won't be the only girl.

Here I come!!!

In less than 12 hours, I will be on a plane to Minneapolis. I am stoked...

But that also means one thing..tonight was my last night at FBC Urbandale doing VBS. And man... I am REALLY going to miss it. Who would have thought that you could build such great relationships with people in just one week. For starters, my kids. I mean.. all 7 of em, I am going to miss. They are by far the best class at VBS.. and by golly, they better win the contest and get a pizza party! EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM KNOWS THEIR MEMORY VERSE! I am so proud! I just wish I could be there tomorrow night at Family Night...when they sing their songs for their family, put on a play of the prodigal son, and say their memory verses.

And the people at the church... I love em! In a short amount of time, I got so comfortable around them. I mean, you would have thought I had been coming for years! Tonight, after all the kids left, all of the adults gathered around me Bryan and Kasey and laid hands on us. As they all prayed, I could tell that they really cared, and that meant something. I got so many business cards with contact information and DEMANDS to keep in touch! This really was a great week, even at times if I got frustrated.

FLASH! It's a electrifying...

Veggie Tales songs... stuck in my head.

Well today was day four of VBS at FBC Urbandale. Man, God has been good. We started with one, Victor, on the first night. Then, on Monday, my Pecan Knoll days came to use as we passed out flyers in the neighborhood around the church. (The boys were convinced we were going to get shot,which was hilarious!) That night, we had FOUR NEW KIDS! And last night, we had TWO MORE NEW ONES!! That brought our class attendance to 7! And with only 18 kids total at VBS, 7 in my class was pretty amazing.

I wish I had an ounce of the passion these kids have. I mean, these are third and fourth graders, who this week, and EVERY SUNDAY, get themselves up, dress themselves, and walk to the church... JUST TO BE THERE! No parents hassling them to wake up and get ready....nothing.

I have to admit, it has been hard to have the right attitude this week. During the day, we go into the office, sit there for a while, then do some grunt work. Like today, we moved a whole library of books upstairs to another room. Not the best job ever. But I had to keep saying Colossians 3:23 to myself to keep my focused. Bryan and Kasey seem to be doing fine...so maybe it is just me. It may be because I don't really feel like this is the "field," since home is just 20 minutes away. But that goes back into the whole "field" mentality... shouldn't it ALL be a field? I mean, I don't WANT to compartmentalize my life, but it seems that every time I turn around, I am..UGH

The summer has officially begun...

Well, I'm here... okay...not quite Minneapolis. I am actually still in Dallas to be honest.

We are working with FBC Urbandale in the heart of Dallas this week doing VBS until we leave for Minneapolis on Friday. I have to admit, I thought doing VBS would be a "few hour a day" job, but no. I was up at the church today for well over thirteen hours...not that it's a bad thing. But needless to say, I am tired.

I am getting to know the guys on my team more and more. However, circumstances make it difficult, which can easily be viewed as a bummer. See, Bryan and Kasey are staying at another host home this week, so I really only see them up at church. But, this has given me a lot of time to myself, to pray, study the Word, and just listen to what God has to say. He has already pushed me in ways I would not have expected. Let's just say that He showed up before Orientation was even over.

Funny story... so we are at Chili's today (my team and some church members). I am sitting next to Kasey, a guy on my team. Somehow, we, as a table, start talking about piercings. Ok..timeout.. let me say.. I have a clear spacer in my nose, so I am not sure anyone has noticed or not.... So, next thing I know, Kasey says, "I hate noserings. They are just SO ugly." Now I may not know the kid very well, but I turn to him like he was any ol' friend and sarcastically say, "Well tell me how you really feel!" Granted I was just joking, but poor thing, he felt so bad. He was mortified. He had forgotten all about my nose ring. However, it was hilarious.

Well, I gotta jet... got an early day canvasing the area around the church tomorrow. I hope to hear from some of you occassionally.

a little of this, a little of that

Found this picture on a blog entry from the Ooze back in February. This is an actual picture of the doors to a church. The only way to get in is to have someone let you in from the inside. Isn't that how a lot of churches act today?






On another note, I have been thinking lately, "I am not good enough." Now I have always had a pretty low self esteem. I have never been the first one to pipe up and say, "I am AMAZING at that, so let me do it." I don't know why....but self confidence has never been a strong point for me. It seems like for the last few months, I am constantly battling with the thought, "Man, I may claim to be a follower of Christ, but I STINK at it..." It seems like everyone else has it together... and I am stumbling along. To be honest, I don't think I have EVER thought that I had this whole "Jesus" thing down.... I have no clue what I am doing. I feel like I am always screwing up, both in my eyes and in God's. But is that how it is supposed to be? Surely, not.

accountability

So I have been thinking about accountability a lot lately. Accountability has many different forms within the church.

Of course, there is the one on one accountability that can be sometimes seen as discipleship. I personally, have never had a good experience with this. I have tried on numerous occasions with different people, but it has never really worked out. Don't ask me why it has never been successful for me... guess that's the way it was intended to be, right?

But what about accountability on what you believe? Like if I say that my faith involves some outlandish idea, should other believers not hold my accountable to this? Should they not say, HELLO!!! ? It seems that within the church, we have gotten maybe a little too open. We have leaders standing up and saying that their faith rests on things that are a little out there. When they are questioned about their beliefs, they put up the defense of, "Hey... I am just saying... This is just what I believe...Noone else has to..." But is that okay?

This is just a bit of what I have been wrestling with lately. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Minneapolis..in a few short days?

That's right folks..I will be off to Minneapolis in less than a week...sorta


Here's my address while I am up there....
Miss Ashlee Stricklin
PO Box 14249
Minneapolis, MN 55414

keep it real

sad day

So I came to a stark realization the other day. I really am a poor college student.

I was home alone one evening (there's no telling where Lindsay and Kacey were). I got up and trudged to the kitchen, praying that a quality dinner option would appear before my eyes. With a mere twenty three cents to my name and minimum possibilities for dinner, I was expecting to have to eat rice, which is what I had eaten for the past week. As I opened the cabinet, I got a brilliant idea. What looked like another bland dinner, turned into quite a feast. I busted out some Mexican rice, ranch-style beans, tortillas, and diced tomatoes for my own entree de la everything. I laid out my options on the coffee table and made some mix of dinner. I gotta say, it wasn't terrible, until my lovely roommate Lindsay walked in and made fun of me for one heck of a meal.

Reminded me of this one time, when I was younger. I had a brilliant idea to make spaghetti, but my own way. I made some raman noodled and mixed in a can of diced tomatoes. It was the most disgusting I had ever made, to say the least.

So yes, I really am a sad, poor college student

Married with children

I am not married...big shock there, right? Don't see it happening anytime soon either, which is totally fine with me, but it really seems to bother others.

Yesterday, I was at my home church talking with someone I really respect, just the usual catch-up on life. Of course, he asked what many people are asking lately, which is what am I going to do after I graduate. I told him of some of my dreams, including the Peace Corps, teaching in Uganda, or who knows what else.

Now this is what kills me. When I told him about what I want to do with my life, he replied by saying, "Now Ashlee, you have to think about marriage. I mean, if you want to get married, it will probably have to happen in the next five years. And when you get married, that is going to change all of your plans. Like, what if he wants to work at a bank in Dallas? You will have to settle on some of your dreams."

I was floored. Why is it that even within the church, marriage is the pinnacle of life? Shouldn't the emphasis be put on finding your self complete in Christ, not in a spouse?

I responded to this comment by telling him that I am perfectly okay with the possibility of not getting married. And if, by chance, it is in God's plan for me to get married, it will happen whereever I am, be it Uganda or Dallas. Besides, shouldn't by possible husband and I share the same passions?

When it rains, it pours

No joke...lately, life has been a little less than desirable. Problems just continue to surface with very few of them actually getting resolved.

But I have decided (after reading Katy Reed's blog, which I think you should do) that I am going to be a little more optimistic about life. How can that hurt? I dont know if I will go about it with the whole purple bracelet approach... but either way, it will get done. I realized after talking to some of my students the other day that my life, no matter how many problems pop up, is not as bad as I can make it out to be. The world really is not a hell-hole, contrary to what many believers may think. Granted, it's no heaven-on-earth...but it's really not terrible. So I am going to live it up...optimism in hand.

With that being said, Minneapolis is in eighteen days. And I am starting to get nervous. I know it's what I am supposed to do and all. But I don't really know WHAT I am doing. I am hoping to get more info this week. Like where I will be staying...that would be a nice piece of info.

less than a month?

It is crazy to think that in a month, I will be in Minneapolis.

I did not realize how soon it was until someone else brought it to my attention. Now, all of the sudden, the excitement and fear are beginning to collide within me.

I know this summer will be one of the most amazing summers of my life. God is going to do amazing things both in me and through me.

But I am scared... as hell. I think this may be the first time I am admitting it...(how genius is it to admit it online?) But I am. I am nervous about many things. Like WHAT THE HECK WILL I BE DOING?!? Not quite sure yet?! Or how well will I get along with the two guys on my team? Or how will I deal with being away from everything and everyone I know for ten weeks? And more importantly, how will my parents deal with it?

I anticipate for things to be different when I return. As always, the start of a new year will do its usual and force relationships to change, grow, and die out. But how much will I when I return? And how much of what I know and am comfortable with, how much will that change?

I guess only time will tell. Until then...

Secrets...

Every Sunday, one of the first things I do is check PostSecret. It may be as early as 2 in the morning, and I check the site, hoping that new secrets have been listed. But why? Is it like a bad wreck, and I am simply drawn to others' secrets? Or am I hoping that with each postcard that I read, I will find my secret. Though I have never sent in any postcards creatively depicting my inner secrets, I always end up holding out, waiting for one of my secrets to appear on the screen.

Love your neighbor...

"How I treat a brother or sister from day to day, how I react to the sin-scarred wino on the street, how I respond to interruptions from people I dislike, how I deal with normal people in their normal confusion on a normal day may be a better indication of my reverence for life than the anti-abortion sticker on the bumper of my car."
- The Ragmuffin Gospel


I want to live like this. But why can't I? Why can't I live with reverence instead of just speaking about reverence?

I was reading a "Seed Story" today. This guy was telling about how in his (home) church, they have an open sharing time, where any and everyone shares what God has been doing in their life over the past week. This man was saying how throughout their discussions, the group often leads into heavy conversations. He admitted to wanting to take a firm stance on everything. But he then realized that he needed to "limit his soap-boxes to only 2."

And I thought...what if we did that? And more directly, what if I did that? What if I had to speak up less about what I believe because I was living it out more? Isn't that what it's about...living out your faith, not just talking about it?

But what do I know?

check it out

pretty self-expanatory...

before I die...

I have been working on this for a bit...and now... my running list of things to do before I die...

Wear out as many bibles as I can

Learn to play the piano

Spend some time in Uganda

Go to a catholic church on easter

Kiss in the rain

throw a dart at a map and travel wherever it lands

be on broadway in some form

walk hand-in-hand with someone in central park

meet clayton king

get a tattoo

ride a horse on the beach

dance in studio 54

read the bible cover to cover

witness the miracle of life

save a life

write me autobiography

help build a tree house

ride an elephant

take a hot air balloon ride

have a hobby room in my house

swim with the dolphins

go to a midnight mass on Christmas eve

go on a cruise

take singing lessons

experience zero gravity

go white water rafting

shower in a waterfall

drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring

learn to play the guitar

learn to bartend

go to confession at a catholic church

figure out how a way to enjoy coffee

be in the audience of the oprah show

sit under a tree reading a book at Harvard

be able to go day to day without taking meds

spend the night in a hammock

sit on a jury

record my family history

send a message in a bottle

walk on the great wall of china

drive across America on route 66

crowd surf

Spend a day visiting car dealerships and test drive highly expensive sports cars that I'll never be able to afford

Learn to surf

Go to a gay bar (weird..i know)

Fly first class

Ride in an 18-wheeler

Go to the fao Schwartz store in new york

Sleep under a tree with no bedding/tent

Have a friend in every continent

Respect your elders

Today, I was standing outside the BSM when a precious elderly woman pulls up in her boat of a car. As the window rolls down, she leans over and asks if I know where a particular street is. Apparently, there was one heck of a garage sale on North Pecan street. Unforunately, I did not know where this particular festivity was. So the lovely old woman was on her way, setting out to find this haven.

Thirty minutes later, I am sitting next to her at the light at North street. As we sit there for a few minutes, I just watch her and let my mind wander. She is talking to herself, but I can't quite make out what she is saying. Then, she starts examining her manicured nails, probably evaluating when she should go in for a fill.

As the light changes and we go our seperate ways, I start to wander....what will I be like when I am old? I think alot of times, we imagine ourselves as young marrieds, maybe kids, living it up as "grown ups." But who sits back and thinks about being 70 years old?

I wander if, at the appropriate time, I will take the first step into "mature living" and start driving a Cadillac or Grand Marquis. Of course, it will be a nice champagne or white color...something neutral and earth toned. Most likely, I will also have a short hair cut...permed...maintained with a nice teasing and hairspray between the weekly visits to my "beautician."

It's something to think about... what you will be like in a few decades....

definition of a Christian??

After talking to Landon for a bit today, as what usually happens after a good conversation with him, I was left with a lot to think about. So this is what's on my mind...

Christian...in simplest terms..what does it mean? By saying that you are a Christian, believer, or whatever term you choose to use, what is it that you are saying?

I think many people, both believers and non-believers, think that by claiming yourself to be a Christian, you are taking a stand on every issue out there. For example, by saying you are a Christian, many would assume you are saying you are against homosexuality, or alcohol, or a number of other things. But is that what you are saying?

I know that when I bring up my faith in Christ, I am not saying anything other than I accept the grace that Christ offers me.

With that said, it is okay in my books if not all believers feel the same about all issues. That's what makes us unique, true? Too often it turns into an "us vs. them" rhetoric between brothers and sisters in Christ. Is that really necessary? Can't we all just take comfort in the fact that we all believe in the same Christ and the grace that He offers? Is that not enough?

just some ramblings..

So.. be in the world but not of it... how often have you heard that? But more importantly, do you understand it? And if you do, could please fill me in.

Be a Jew to a Jew, a Gentile to Gentil, etc... but how?

How long do you love someone before sharing the truth...or do you ever?

I am sure you have heard that as believers, we should be in relationships with non-believers. And most people say that all is well, as long as "you are the one influencing them, not them influencing you." But is this okay?

being home...and loving it??

Is it possible that I am home for the weekend and ENJOYING IT? I know, I think it's weird too. As I drove home yesterday, I was ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT? Maybe it is because I have had an incredibly rough week and I needed to get away. I mean, it's not like I have big plans for the weekend. In fact, I fully intend on sitting in the oversized chair in the living room, switching off between a good book and watching movies and Lost episodes. I doubt I will be changing clothes all that often.

But I am reminded, as I think I have said before, of Jesus returning to his hometown in Mark 6

1Jesus left there and went to his hometown, accompanied by his disciples. 2When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed.
"Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! 3Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph,[a] Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him.
4Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

A "prophet without honor"...that's me, everytime I come home. No, I know I am no prophet. But I totally get it. Everytime I come home, I am the person I was when I left here three years ago. I ignorant, silly, naive eighteen year old...

intentions...definition 3a

Is it possible to have the best of intentions and still get screwed over somehow? Well yes, it is. Why? The same reason the church can be a whacked out place...the same reason there are creepy people in the world doing mean things...because we are human.

Though I may feel that I have/had the best of intentions with someone, it has been brought to my attention that they can take it in a completely different way. Dang it..I thought I actually had something figured out for once. But now... I'm back where I started.

Is life really just a cyclical thing? Am I just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over? I sure as heck hope not...more so for everyone else's sake.

But if life is a vicious cycle, is there any hope?

I am holding out that there IS hope... I mean.. I have hope in Christ..and though I may be a mere jar of clay, He works through me..right? So I may have screwed up yet ANOTHER relationship somehow, but there's hope that ONE DAY I will figure it out. It's just not looking like that day will be today... or tomorrow...

intentions...definition 3a

Is it possible to have the best of intentions and still get screwed over somehow? Well yes, it is. Why? The same reason the church can be a whacked out place...the same reason there are creepy people in the world doing mean things...because we are human.

Though I may feel that I have/had the best of intentions with someone, it has been brought to my attention that they can take it in a completely different way. Dang it..I thought I actually had something figured out for once. But now... I'm back where I started.

Is life really just a cyclical thing? Am I just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over? I sure as heck hope not...more so for everyone else's sake.

But if life is a vicious cycle, is there any hope?

I am holding out that there IS hope... I mean.. I have hope in Christ..and though I may be a mere jar of clay, He works through me..right? So I may have screwed up yet ANOTHER relationship somehow, but there's hope that ONE DAY I will figure it out. It's just not looking like that day will be today... or tomorrow...


Another thought...total switch of pace. You ever see someone or maybe meet them and immediately think, "Man... I wanna be best friends with them."? I do..a lot. I have thinking that a lot lately. Maybe it's a hang over from Beach Reach, where it easily becomes "Meet as many people as you can so you can add more people to facebook than anyone else..." But let's take Clayton for example. (If you haven't heard about Clayton from Beach Reach, you should... ) I had to pleasure of meeting and talking with Clayton for a total of about 3 1/2 hours last week. He's from Kansas, which is a darn shame, because he is one of those people that make me think..."GAH!!! Why can't we be best friends?" Or like the Reza, from Colorado... or the guy that rides the skateboard thru campus.... Man.. I want to be BFF with all of them.

Now if you are one of my dear friends here in Nac, or even in G-town, don't get all twisted ( like Sam did when we had this conversation...) you are a blessing..for sure..and I am sure that if I didn't already know you, I would be thinking that WE TOO should be bff. Maybe it is just the mystery and excitement of these new people. Or maybe one day, we really will be BFF...

awkward.. all 8 definitions

check em out.. all eight of em.. I live these out, everyday. "Awkward" might as well be my middle name. Heck, make it my first name! I am incredibly afraid of awkward moments, which is probably why I like to create awkward moments for others. By making others feel awkward, I know that even for a split second, they feel awkward and I don't. I am a sick, sick person.

And why is that everytime I am placed in an awkward situation, my first instinct is to run? I have noticed that everytime things get bad in any sense in life, I want to run. I just "have to get away." When I am fed up with all that is Nacogdoches, I figure out anyway possible to go back home. And after just a short time there and I am fed up with good ol G-town, I am high-tailing it back to Nac. This can't be good.

Is this what my life is going to be like? Am I always going to be running from something, be it an awkward situation or not? And am I okay with that?

There was a girl at beach reach this past week. (granted this is all "hear-say.") She is an SFA student and was down in Padre to live it up for spring break. After a few days, it all got to be a little much. She called a friend that she knew was in Padre for beach reach. She pleaded with him for help. She wanted to go home...right then. But it said it right..."You can't keep running from your life."

Is that what I am doing?Instead of just running from simple awkward moments, is there a bigger picture that I am running from? I should be doing something else, something joyful, instead of leaving an awkward conversation in the library thinking, "Whew! I am glad thats over with..."

But where do you begin to find the "bigger awkward situation?" Is there even something "bigger" I am running from? Or am I just lucky enough to be constantly put in awkward situations?

spring break comes to an end

I spent my spring break at Beach Reach in Padre again. It was pretty much amazing. So much more incredible than last year, yet so much more difficult. I could go into details, but I know some people flat out don't care. If you do, just ask...

But not only have I been able to see God do amazing things through me, I have seen Him do amazing things IN me this week.

God is continuing to refine who I am and I think I have finally accepted that. All my life, I have been such an extrovert. And no, that is not a bad thing, but I think it is time that I begin to work on the introvert inside of me.

It just seems that I am at a different stage in my life than I was a year ago. As I stood on the beach during our last night of worship in Padre, I stood with my feet buried in the sand and the waves crashing at my ankles. The end of my skirt was getting wet with each white crested wave. It was absolutely beauitful. And not just on a physical level, but on so many other levels. Standing there saying over and over, "God, I can't do this alone. I need you to step in and step in big time," has never been such a feeling of freedom.

I am so excited to see where God has me going next. It looks like there is going to be a lot of change, a lot of unknowns, and a whole heck of alot of clinging to Christ for security.

and then...

theres times that your reputation with some people will never change.

No matter how much you try to prove to someone that you are a different person, they CHOOSE to continue to see you for who you once were. And I have to be okay with that.

"Clique"...gosh I hate that word. And I personally try to do everything I can to stay away from that label but it continues to follow me...

Guess we shall see what happens..

melancholy

So much has been on my mind lately...

Like the judginig of other believers... is that okay? EVER? My opinion, outside of accountability, no,its not okay. But why is this such a hard concept to grasp for most believers.

Also, I think I often forget how much I have changed over the past three years. There are many times that I may be sitting a with a friend, and we giggle at where I was when I first came to SFA to where I am now... which is on two different roads! Then, theres times like tonight, when it becomes easy to look back and see all the ways I screwed up...and the reputation that easily comes with that.

This summer I will be in Minneapolis.. I am stoked...my father is not... I could use your prayers..

Things are looking up...

....for once

I found out today that I will be spending this summer in Minneapolis... WHICH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT! When I got the email with the assignment, I screamed like a lil school girl and did a happy dance before running to tell Lindsay. Told the parentals...mom is stoked for me.. so thats good. Dad...not so much. But he did make a comment tonight that made me a little excited. I told him that once I graduate and have a real job, it wont be like I can come home in the summer anyways, to which he replied, "Who says thats gonna happen?" Naturally, I got defensive and said, "WHAT?! You dont think I will graduate?" "No, I know you will graduate.." "You are worried about me getting a 'real' job, right?" I asked. He confirmed...and by 'real job' he means teaching in the Dallas area. Looks like he might be starting to finally realize that I am NOT just going through a phase..that i REALLY DO want to go to the nations...

my minds-a-going

This week has been insane. One might say it has been a week from Hell. I have had my fair share of breakdowns over the past few days. But one thing that came from it, my mind is going full speed..

Like..do you think God can be absent from only one area of your life? I know there are numerous accounts in scripture where God is completely absent from a person's life. But I have yet to find an instance where God is alive and active in someone's life in all areas but one... So I find myself in this exact predicament and am beginning to lose hope. God is doing so many amazing things in most areas of my life. And I am so thankful for that. But in one, JUST ONE, I don't even feel like He hears me. Can that be true?

I wish I didn't care. Someone, please tell me that at times, you have this exact phrase run through your head, "Man, if I wasn't a Christian, I would definitly....." I have been thinking this alot lately..does that make me a bad person? This surpressed bitterness and anger has recently surfaced, only to make me more bitter and angry.

I am failing to see Christ in this. Scriptures have been pointed out that say things like "God only does this to those He loves," and "Discipline isnt pleasurable, but its worth it in the end."


Well I am tired of hearing that. I want someone to sit with me and say "You are right... this sucks.." I want someone to cry with me.. to hurt with me... to feel as awkward as I do at times. I guess its true that misery loves company. And it is only understandable that noone feels the need to join me in this not-so-pleasant endeavor. Oh well. I guess I will just have to wait "til it gets better."

discipleship... THATS what is lacking

Sitting (or standing, rather) outside of a house tonight in the freezing cold with Zach tonight, we discussed the "GIG" (or small home group) that we had just left. This led to talking about the church. Zach said it best with, "You know what it's missing...DISCIPLESHIP!" He could not have been more right.

As a "church," we say, "Come to us... walk in our 'church' (building) and we will love you. But outside of these walls, we dont know you." We expect people to come to us before we will love them and accept them, and even then, it usually doesnt turn out that way.

We arent called to fill up church pews and make church-goers out of everyone- but to make disciples. Don't get me wrong- Church definitly has its place- but that is not what life is about.

So if we are called to make disciples out of others, why arent we? We have I been spending the last 3 years searching for JUST ONE of the hundreds of churches in Nac that will get me connected with an older woman. I NEED an older woman of Christ. I need her wisdom, her love, her compassion. I need to be able to talk to an older woman in Christ about spiritual matters. I don't have the luxury of talking to my mom about this sort of thing. So I am left talking to my peers all the time. And no, thats not a bad thing..in moderation. But if all I ever go to are ignorant (dont deny it) college kids, that will only do so good....

two days in a row?? NO WAY!

Can a guy and a girl be BFF and all turn out okay?

That seems to be the question of the year. I mean really, I have had good guy friends in the past...but they are still that, the past. None (yet at least) have carried over to the present. But is this just coincidence....or is there a reason?

Obviously there are some things that cannot be shared past the gender lines. Still, so much can be shared and experienced together...but should it? Can it actually be done in a purely platonic way?

I am beginning to think that no, it can not. At some point or another, someone develops feelings for the other. Then, it just gets all awkward and weird...and noone likes that. And let's say that somehow you ARE able to maintain a platonic relationship (of BFF quality) for quite some time. What happens when one of you is in a relationship? Are you able to maintain your friendship with this person and keep a healthy relationship with your significant other? I don't know...

It's all confusing. The whole idea of any kind of relationship with the opposite sex is confusing to me. Maybe that is why I have not been in one (of "significant" value) ever... or had a boy BFF that has lasted...maybe I am going about this all wrong...

Don't be alarmed..

Being back in Nac for almost two weeks now has not turned into what I thought it was going to be.

To say the least, the break was a bit of a spiritual slump for me. Not only was I taking a break from school while at home, I was taking a break from my faith.

And I guess I mistakenly thought that by pulling into my driveway here in Nac, things would automatically get better....Boy was I wrong.

I am having to muster of the discipline to do what I need to do. There have been conversations over the past few nights that can only be described as "God breathed." Things were brought ot my attention, stumbling blocks that I failed to acknowledge.

I thought I was coming back to a church that I just might start going to on a regular basis. Now, I am not so sure. I am back to square one on my outlook on church...Why and where?

Guess we will see where this semester takes me.

new year...new semester...

Back in Nac..and ready to go.... or am I?

I will be the first to admit that I have wasted my Christmas break, and I got called out on it the other day. Do you know how humbling it is to have SOMEONE ELSE tell you that they can tell that you haven't been in the Word as much as you should, or that your prayer life is not where it needs to be??

So what now? I have a week before classes start. Do I speed read the entire Bible? Never get off my knees? I was telling a friend earlier that I do not necessarily like how I ended last semester and the last thing I want to do is start this one off on the same foot. But what did I do to avoid that? NOTHING...

Guess we will see what happens...

random

Being home for the holidays has forced me to do a lot of thinking...most about my family. (And no, this isn't going to be a rant on the fam)

It's a normal thing for the four of us to sit around during this time and talk about memories. The "remember whens" bring back many laughs and smiles, and occasionally, a few tears. So thinking back to these cherished memories, I start thinking of my childhood as a whole.

Now I wasn't raised in a "Christian household." I don't know what it's like to have your parents wake you up for church, much less make you go. I have no idea how to pray with my family outside of our typical blessing over the Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Hard times were just that...hard times..that sucked. And when it was good, it was because we were "lucky"..nothing else...

And tonight, some friends were over and we were watching Nick-at-Nite (thats the cool thing to do on a Saturday night, if you were unaware). Rosanne came on and one of my friends who WAS brought up in a Christian home said "We weren't allowed to watch this when I was young," to which I replied, "We watched this together as a family..." So I start thinking- what all DID we watch as a family? I remember being young and watching rated R movies with the fam. Sex, drugs, violence...all normal television for me. TV shows like Sightings and Married, with Children were regulars for us. But somehow, I turned out okay (at least I think so)

So I wonder, am I just lucky? Or is it really okay to expose kids to so much?

On the Homefront

Day 4 of being in Garland...and I can already feel the insanity overcoming me.

I went to Journey Sunday night. And I liked it...alot. We sang Christmas Carols, but we sang them as worship songs...if that is at all possible. The quaint-ness of the entire setting was nice. I snuck in a few minutes late, after getting quite lost. I did the typical visitor thing and sat in the very back on the end of the row. But afterwards, a couple of people made a point of coming over to chit-chat with me before I did the sly visitor routine and disappeared. I even stayed after a bit to listen in on a budget meeting. Sure, there was some arguing, but it was nice to know that this is a REAL church, one that deals with REAL issues like budget. It was comforting to see that it wasn't some fantasy church that secretly existed in a room within another church.

But the good stuff (insert sarcasm) came when I got home. See, I decided to go to Journey (on my own, mind you) instead of going to our (more so my family's) church for the candlelit Lord's Supper. When I came home, my dad made some rude remark about how I shoud have gone, which I responded with how I wanted to just try out this church.... A few shouts later and amongst the ignorant remarks made, my dad told me that he fears I "may join a cult..."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Since day one, I have known that my dad is not a fan of me being independent... "I will always be his little girl..." So apparently, I am supposed to believe what he believes, pray like he prays, and worhip like he worships, where he worships.

But I have NEVER accused him of doing the wrong thing by singing hymns, wearing a suit and tie to church, or any of that. I simply tell him that thats fine that it works for him, but it doesn't for me. Funny thing is, I was the one that constantly hounded him about coming to church...for a couple of years, before he finally came to visit, and later accepted Christ as his Savior...

There's some irony in this whole situation..and I don't like it. I guess I will turn to my "cult" for answers...

Jesus says that the "Harvest is plentiful..."

Why do we take this as a bad thing? We hear this and automatically have the mindset, "There are so many people out there dying and going to hell..."

But tell a farmer that his "harvest is plentiful"... HES STOKED!

No I am not saying we should be rejoicing because there are so many people suffering in the world...but why not look at it as if there are so many people that are ready to come to Christ.


Dictionary.com defines harvest as:

1. Also, har·vest·ing. the gathering of crops.
2. the season when ripened crops are gathered.
3. a crop or yield of one growing season.
4. a supply of anything gathered at maturity and stored:


so if you "harvest" a crop once it's good and ready...doesn't it only make sense to say that there are so many people out there that are ready and willing to be "harvested?"

Long ....but worth reading (in my opinion)

Still reading Organic Church...Still loving it

Here's a little for you to nibble on...

"If any ONE Christian alive today were to lead just one person to Christ every year and disciple that person so that he or she would, in turn, do the same the next year, it would take only about thirty-five years to reach the entire world for Christ! But it could be even closer than that. If every Christian alive today were to reproduce in the same way, the world would be won to Christ in the next two to four years....Christianity is always just one generation away from extinction. If we fail to reproduce ourselves and pass the torch of life into the hands of the next generation, Christianity will be over within just one generation. Yet because of the power of multiplication, we are also one generation away from worldwide fulfillment of the Great Commission. The choice is ours."


I mean...come on...REALLY?!?! What are we sitting around for?


I also got another bit of insight on the Lord's Supper... never heard this before. Still not sure what I think...tell me your opinion...

So in the book, it says how the Church has "taken and 'sanctified' them (symbolic exercises) to the extent that only the ordained can conduct them and they are performed only in the sanctity of church halls behind stained-glass windows. We even instruct unbelievers not to participate in the communion (which is a restriction not actually found in the Bible).

Hm...that's interesting... So I looked at the notes in the back of the book ... which say...

"The actual warning not to take the elements of communion 'in an unworthy manner' (1 Cor. 11:27-32) is for church members who are abusing the Lord's Supper for personal gain at the expense of others. It is clear that the discipline accompanying taking the supper in an unworthy manner is directed toward Christians, as Paul explains that this very punishment is one thing that seperates us from the condemnation of the world (v. 32). There is no mention that this applies in any way to unbelievers who are already under a strict judgement for sin, or as Paul says, 'condemnation.' When we do take the communion as Jesus intended, we 'proclaim His death until He comes' (1 Cor 11:26). Even in the very first communion, when Jesus gave us the example to follow in rememberance of Him, he clearly did not exclude the unbeliever who was at the table (Luke 22:14-23; John 13:10-11)."


Just something to think about

Tried a lil something new

So it's my last Sunday in Nac this semester...sounds like a perfect day to go to a brand new church...right?

Well maybe today wasn't the the most logical day to try a new church, but I did it anyways. I went to the Vineyard here in the good ol Nac-o-plex...

...And I loved it! Let me give you a brief run down of "church."

10 - continental breakfast
10:30 - worship
11 - coffee break for more fellowship
11:15 sermon


I loved it. Even if I already said it, I will say it again... I REALLY liked this church. It seemed like what a church should be than any other place I have been to. When we walked in, we were cheerfully greeted, but not overbearingly so. We got some breakfast and headed to the worship room/big room/whatever it is called. We sat at a table (who would have thought....tables in a "sanctuary"?!?!) More and more people came up to talk to us.

As I sat back to just watch and take it all in, I noticed a few things that made this church stand out. First, there were people there that would NOT fit in, much less feel comfortable in any other church. They weren't wearing matching clothes, their hair wasn't a "done" as it could have been, and there were a few that I wondered when the last time they washed their hair was.... But I loved that part of it!!

Also, the people greeted each other like family they hadn't seen in years. Big hugs, even between the men! An honest, "How are you doing? How is (whatever) going in your life?" They REALLY care about each other.

Then, my favorite part of the whole thing.... during the "coffee break," there were about 10 people who went outside for a smoke break.... REALLY?? I have never seen this done before? People smoking two feet away from the church? I admit, I at first had the (now shameful) thought of " WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!? YOU CANT DO THAT!!" but then I realized... yes they can.. they love Jesus just like I do.

Maybe that's where I will start going on a regular basis. I am not sure that being a junior in college and STILL church hopping in the best thing to do....

ramblings

I just wrote out a whole blog and realized it made no sense at all... so I deleted it.

There is so much running through my mind right now, that it all runs together....coming out completely jumbled and making no sense to anyone, even me.

Here's one thing whirling around in my head lately...

All through jr high and high school, I got along with my parents pretty well. Sure, we had arguments now and again, but I definitly never really rebelled. I think it's hitting me now... I am a late bloomer in a sense.

They drive me crazy. I won't lie, I am not totally pumped about going home for Christmas. The idea of chilling with my family for a WHOLE MONTH makes me quiver.

I came to this conclusion after our mini-vacation to the deer lease over Thanksgiving, which wasn't deemed successful in my eyes. And on my way back to Nac, I thought about all of my friends who were so excited to go home and hang out with their family. And here I am, stoked about driving back to Nac, to get away from them. This is what crossed my mind, "I am a horrible person...I don't love my family like everyone else..What is wrong with me?" I have been dwelling on this conclusion for the past couple of weeks

Until a couple of days ago... I realized, I am going through this stage now, where most people went through it earlier in life. I LOVE to argue with my parents. I INTENTIONALLY run late to things with them, because I know they are so anal about time. I LOVE to drive them crazy. Sure, I may not admit that at the time, but sitting down and thinking about it, I realize that I do. I know that I will come out of this stage at some point...not that I know when. And really, I hope it is sooner rather than later, for my own sake.

In fact, it would be nice if I could come out of this stage within the next week, before I head back for Christmas

Organic Church

So I began a new book this weekend and I like it...ALOT. Its called Organic Church. I just kinda gazed by it while at the Nac Public Library. I would suggest you read it..

But early on, it makes some amazing statements.

For instance....why do we call non-believers the "unchurched?" Since when does going to church make you a beleiver anyways? He says it so well when he says, "We expect people to come to church in order to come to Christ, and the people of the world want nothing to do with church. We are so obsessed with our religious club that we actually identify those who do not have a relationship with Jesus as the unchurched."

This book is about taking church where the people are...not expecting them to come to you..which makes sense.

He also says in the book, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in the smoking section. That is where lost people are found, and if you make them put their cigarette out to hear the message they will be thinking about only one thing: 'When can I get another cigarette?'"

Is this not completely true? Maybe I am just going off on this whole "hoarding the light" business...

"too deep"

Is it possible to have "too deep" of a conversation? Just throwing that out there...

hoarding the light

this kind of goes along with the previous post....

you may remember this...either way, watch it again...

alot

This week has been quite eventful. Alot has been on my mind.

I have been reading through the Gospels...and you know how Jesus talks to the "sinners" sometimes, telling them what they are doing. I mean, I am sure Jesus had a "tone," if you know what I mean. We were talking in my small group tonight, do you think we can talk to people like that? I guess...kinda like call them out? I don't know...

I have also been thinking about Heaven. After talking to Allie a little about it, I started wondering about relationships in Heaven. In Matthew 23ish, Jesus basically says that you aren't married in Heaven. So if that relationship doesn't carry over, which ones do, if any? I heard someone say today, when we were discussing this, that she knows of a lady that gets sad sometimes, because she knows that when she sees her dad in Heaven (who is already there), their relationship won't be the same. It will be a brother-sister relationship...I am not sure what exactly I think about all of this....

Tonight, a group of us were at Whataburger. Anyone here in Nac knows that after midnight, the only 2 fast food restaurants open are Taco Bell and Whataburger and it is during this time that more drunk people step through the doors than sober people. Well tonight was a typical night. And in walked in a girl, who was slightly scantily clad. Basically, she was coming out of the top of her shirt...if you know what I mean. And what did most of us 8 believers do? Giggle. Joke. Mock. Laugh. Point. Snicker.

Notice that we didn't love. We didn't care. We didn't hurt. Is this not hoarding the light? Is this what Christ would have us to do? I am not saying that we should run up and give her a great big hug while shouting, "HALLELUJAH!! JESUS LOVES YOU!" But why not simple make eye contact? Or simply smile? How about this...remember her...pray for her... let that be a realization that there IS life outside of the BSM or your group of Christian friends. Let your heart be broken for God's people that He loves, they just don't realize it.

I was also thinking about the church... which seems to be the hot topic lately. Now here in good ol' Nacogdoches, I may not have found a church that I feel completely cozy at. But I need to be serving somewhere. God has given me this time in my life to use for Him. I have read many of books that say that with this "season of singleness," I need to run with it. Now I am living the life with no big responsibilities, noone else to take care of, or anything else of the "real world," so why am I not serving more? I love to sit back and talk. Talk about Heaven...talk about the church...talk about what Jesus was like...whatever...But what am I DOING?! not enough...

Beach Reach '06

GET EXCITED!!!! BEACH REACH 07!!

What I learned while deer hunting

Thursday, Thanksgiving, my family and I rushed through our Thanksgiving Lunch, as normal. We then headed back to the house before heading out to the deer lease. This is the traditional Thanksgiving for my family, rushing through a meal so they can get on the road. The only difference this year is that I joined them on this journey to the deer lease, where in years past, I stay home.

The deer lease was four hours away, in West Texas somewhere. We were there for four days...shoot me now.

My family thought I couldn't deal with the whole no shower, potty in the woods, sleeping in a nasty camp. That didn't bother me. What did was that THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.. I was bored out of my mind.

But with all this extra time I had while sitting and staring at the campsite, I came to many realizations.

1. I REALLY am ADD. I can't sit still. I can't be quiet for three hours. I can't sit for hours with nothing to do.

2. I am not as big of a fan of my family as everyone else is with theirs..if that makes sense. It seems that all of my friends absolutely LOVE their family. Don't get me wrong, my family is great and all. But stick me with them for four days non-stop, and I am pretty annoyed. It got to the point that EVERYTHING they did got on my nerves.

3. Another realization, which definitly wasn't and amazing feeling, was that I don't have much in common with my family. I want to talk about things that they don't care to listen to. That's a bummer...

4. When you the only place you can pee is in the woods, it makes you second guess yourself everytime you get an urge to go potty.

5. Five shots of tequila are a little much before going out with a gun. No this isn't from personal experience. My dad's best friend had a bit to drink before going out for the afternoon hunt.

Though there were many other realizations from the week. I think it will just be awhile before I head out to the deer lease again....

to and from nac..in 24 hours?

I don't know why, but for one reason or another, I came home Saturday night, only to return to Nac for ONE MEASY CLASS today. Once the class was done, I packed up and headed back home.

Driving 3 hours both ways...in less that 24 hours? On any other occasion, this would have been the worst mistake of my life, but it worked out. My best friend, Liz, came along for the ride.

I don't know if the drive has ever seemed any shorter or meaningful. We talked to whole time, to and from.

But it was the conversation that we had tonight that really got my brain-a-going. We were talking about random relationships...people we knew that we dating...people we knew that were married...you get my drift. We started talking about how we "could never see ourselves in a relationship right now..." Then, I asked "Is that true...or are we bitter?" After talking, we decided against the whole bitter thing (but this comes up later) and admitted to each other, and more importantly, to ourselves, that yes, we get lonely sometimes. This was us "boasting in our weaknesses," as Paul urges us to do. After a brief awkward silence, I said, "But maybe that's it...God wants us to go to Him when we are lonely, not seek for someone else..." Why had this thought JUST NOW come to my mind?

Bitterness was another topic of the night. We discussed past situations that, to our surprise, we are still a little bitter about. I admit, talking about this things was like opening an old wound that had not quite healed. After talking about it and REALLY listening to myself, I realized that I had hurt and bitterness built up from FOUR YEARS AGO towards some people. And that has hindered me, in ways I can't even imagine. But I have decided that I am tired of holding onto something I didnt even know I was still clutching. I am going to write a letter to these people.

Well this only led me to think...well who else do I need to make amends with? Who doesn't even know we are at odds?

I am glad that I am home for the next few days. I am even more stoked about going to the deer lease Thursday thru Saturday. I plan on using this time as a mini-retreat... Time for me to think...pray..listen to what God has to say...

and maybe write a few letters...

Job 11

I am pretty much camped out in Job 11 right now. So much of what is on my heart is expressed in this chapter.

verses 5 and 6 say...
Oh, how I wish that God would speak, that he would open his lips against you and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, or true wisdom has two sides.

This whole praying continually thing... I won't lie.. I suck at it. I battle pretty much everyday. Sure, I am used to talking with God on a daily basis...but going to Him about the SAME DANG THING EVERYDAY FOR WELL OVER A MONTH NOW?!?!? come on! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am getting frustrated. No need to beat around the bush, right? I am wondering WHERE THE HECK GOD IS IN ALL OF THIS... but it's good to know that someone else dealt with this too..

verses 7 thru 9 say...
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.


I absolutely LOVE that God is a mystery...I love that I can't figure Him out. Knowing that I won't ever figure God out completely, or heck, even somewhat, makes me fall in love with Him even more. I love to sit and think... question things...And no, it doesn't mean I am less of a believer because of this questioning. Because it is a result of all of this pondering that I am going to God about so many things...learning more about Him...and in turn, falling more and more in love with Him. And THAT'S what I want my life to be about...knowing that God is a mystery, but somehow, I continue to know Him more and more...

Church bashing....err..

Why is church bashing so easy to do?

James 4:12 says "But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"

A few of us met yesterday for a conversation about the "generative community of people struggleing together in their faith journey could look like here in Nacogdoches."

I thought it went relatively well...for a bit

But somewhere along the way, it turned into church bashing...which wasn't the goal set in our minds.

Landon said it so well when he said something to the effect of "not just 'righting the wrongs' because that would be making the assumption that we are right, and everyone else is wrong." I really thought this was a brilliant statement

Because they aren't wrong. My parents attend a traditional southern Baptist church...hymns, organs, definitly no drums, the occasional fire and brimstone sermon, deacons have way too much power, suits and ties for men, dresses for the girls, etc. But my parents aren't wrong, and neither are the other people of that church. It took me a long time to come to this realization, but I am glad that I have. Because yes, people DO worship like this. I may not be able to, but there are plenty of people that do. God is active in their lives just as much as He is in mine. It's not like I am doing it the ONLY RIGHT way...

Basically, everyone has been burnt by a church at some point. But the church is made of people...humans... who screw up. It's what we do.

Life is better..

I did something a couple of nights ago that I have never done before...I told someone else how I feel, in all honesty. I was terrified. I was nauseous. I said a few choice words in preparation. But when it was all over and done with, I felt alot better.

The next day, I finished lcasses and headed to the park. I was supposed to meet a friend, but she ended up not being able to make it. I decided to stay and just swing. Before long, I was swinging as high as I could, looking up to the sky with a little grin on my face. There were a three bagpipe players walking around the park, continually playing Amazing Grace.

I left the park that day thinking, "This is what life is about."

God didn't intend for me to carry around burdens for weeks on end. Life is better with honesty.

God is about enjoying the sun and the clouds and the trees. Life is better when you sit and take in the nature around you.

God is about swinging as high as you can, then laying back at those high points and relaxing. Life is better when you take time to swing, and swing high.

God is glorified when we continue to reflect on His grace. Life is better when you can enjoy bagpipe players playing Amazing Grace.




This week has had its ups and downs, like any other week. But I thank God that I was able to take some time to just be with Him, reflect on what life should be like, and praise Him for all of it.

Welcome to the Springs!

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to be a part of something new and exciting...

Joel, my former youth pastor and the man I have interned under, has felt God's call to start a new church in the Murphy/Plano area. I have been lucky enough to see it from the very super early stages. Seeing his core group meet and plan things all throughout the summer was encouraging. As block parties took place and flyers were being handed out door to door in the neighborhood, excitement built.

Meeting weekly in a home was where it all started. I admire this. I like the idea of small house churches.

This Sunday was their first "Preview Service." It met, like most church plants, in a local school. We all went up there Saturday night to set up. What I thought was going to be an "informational meeting" was actually manual labor. Chairs, screens, sound equipment, tents for the childrens area...all of it had to be set up.

As Sunday morning came, anticipation was all over. Greeters were strategically placed. The aroma of Starbucks coffee filled the air. Heck, I even got to wear a cool bright orange vest (it went with the theme...promise) for heading up the childrens worship. As families began to file in, contacts were made, smiles were given, excitement was everywhere...

And I loved every second of it... Just the idea of being part of something new...something exciting. I feel like I have learned alot just being an onlooker of Joel's amazing progress with The Springs. And I think I realized that I want to do this at some point. I want to be a part of a church plant. When? I don't know...maybe sooner rather than later???

some things never change

So I am at home, Garland, for the weekend...

And I must say, it gets weirder and weirder everytime I come home, and I am not sure why...

There's a really lame country song that says something about "you're always seventeen in your hometown..."

Could this be anymore true?

Liz and I talked about this for a long time last night. As for me and all of my friends in good ol G-town, we have all grown up, grown apart...and not that thats a bad thing, its just natural. But where it gets weird is when we all come home for a weekend and hang out. No matter how much we have changed, how our lives are different..we always revert back to the person we were a couple of years ago, during our "glory days." Those were the days when we, as a group of friends, were together at all times. We were corny, stupid, and immature.

It seems like it takes me alot longer to transition back to that. The rest of my friends can snap back so quickly, it almost creeps me out. Why can't I do that? I look back to where I was a few years ago and see someone completely different than who I am now. But because these people were such an important part of my life during that awkward time and not so much now, I feel I must revert back to that... and its really weird.

Is this what life is going to be like for the rest of my life? Getting together with a group of friends after a few years and transforming myself into who I once was. I don't know if I like that....and even worse, I don't know how to change that...

Plans

For as long as I can remember, I have had my life planned out.

Go to college, graduate in four years, get married to prince charming shortly after, teach somewhere in dallas, have kids, live happily ever after

It seems that within the past month, all of that has been turned upside down...and oddly enough, I like it.

Though it still looks like I will graduate in four years, I am trying to figure out a way to prolong that.

And what after that?...Who knows??

I sat at the A-frame tonight talking about it with Sam...about maybe spending a couple of years teaching English in China...spending some time in Uganda....doing some type of internship for a couple of years at a BSM... go to seminary...be a Journeyman.

Basically, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do after I graduate...I don't even KNOW what I want to do...

And the scary part about all of this...I like it this way

Unnecessary Umbrella

Anyone that lives in Nacogdoches knows of the horrible downpour we had for a couple of days this week.

After a class one day, I walked out of the building and without eve thinking, opened up my umbrella with the assumption that it was still raining. After about ten minutes of walking, I realized that nope, it wasn't raining. How embarrassing! I shamefully put up my umbrella, hoping noone had seen me and thought I was the "special kid..."

Then I started thinking... How often do I "put up my umbrella" too quickly? How much do I protect myself from? What am I missing out on while hiding under my "umbrella?"

Considering this past weeks events and the most-horrible-day-ever that fell somewhere in there, I couldn't help but feel like I am over-protected. I had always known that my parents are pretty over-protective, but the thought had never crossed my mind that I am actually over-protective of myself. Is this how God intended it? I feel like I am missing out on somethings.

So I am making a vow...to step out... unprotected...live it up. But I won't lie, I will probably ALWAYS have my "umbrella" not far behind.

Psalm 13

Man... Alot going on...so much is on my heart..and running through my mind

I am sitting here in the library, actually getting work done (shocker...I know). I sit here all alone (another shocker) for the first time in a while. I like the stillness, the quiet, the rest. But I only enjoy these moments for a bit, because after the initial "oohh...ahhh.." feeling wears off, the mind starts going. This is where I currently stand.

The ramblings of my mind turn into prayer, asking God to take away a struggle I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. I admit, I was beginning to think God was not going to handle it. Just when this thought entered my mind, I got an immediate response.

With my Itunes on shuffle, Shane and Shane came on singing Psalm 13, which says:

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.


Really? Do I really think God will hide from me forever? Is He hiding his face from me right now?

Then I keep hearing " I will wait for you..." over and over in my ears

And my prayer of questioning and selfishness turns to obedience and patience.

So I will wait on God. I have faith that He will deliver me... So I'm just waiting

Muslim dinner

The newly founded Muslim Student Association hosted their traditional Ramadan breaking of the fast dinner, or Iftar, last night. It was an open meeting for "anyone interested in Islam."

Me and a couple of friends decided to go. No, we had no intentions of getting in an arguing match or converting them. We simply wanted to learn more.

I was highly disappointed and broken-hearted, to say the least.

We walked in (late, which is how we roll), and I was quickly astounded by the turnout. It was about half Muslims, half Christians. I was nervous from the start.

After a traditional meal from Pakinstan (which I only had two small nibbles), the Muslims gathered in a nearby room for prayer. They allowed those of us that do not practice to observe their prayer. I stood in the doorway in shock. I had seen Muslim prayers on TV and such, but never in person. One man was in front, leading. He would say something (in Arabic of course) and everyone else would repeat. I couldn't help but question if some of the people even knew what they were saying.

Once the prayer was concluded, we went back in the original room for a question and answer time. They explained their prayers, five pillars, and many other things. Then the floor was opened for us to ask whatever was on our minds. Of course, it was all of us "Christians" that were asking questions.

I started pretty good... with simple, informative questions.Then, it seemed like it turned into an "us vs. them" rhetoric. I was so disappointed.

But then, my heart broke. The Muslims response to this attack? "We worship the same God. It is just that we call him Allah..." They even mentioned that they believe in Jesus...that He was a prophet..."

But its NOT the same God...NOT the same Jesus

One guy, a recent Muslim convert, stood up and proceded to give his testimony. He had apparently "tried the Christian thing..but it didnt work." He later went on to explain that once he converted "Islam began to fill a hole that Christianity never could.." Why? because "the fear of judgement for bad things I do keeps him from doing those bad things."

I can't imagine living in that fear... fear of where I stand with God...whether or not I have done enough good deeds to get into one of the higher levels of heaven, or get in at all.

And what do we do as Christians about all of this? We attack them.

I couldn't help but leave with my head hanging...

a little of this..

So I took a "spiritual types test" and this is what I got..

A Lover..

You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.



************

This is quite true, which scares me a little.


Wow.. God has done so much, just within the last 48 hours. He tore down walls within a friendship that have been in place for two years. He mended a broken relationship. He encouraged me in being joyful...

Have you ever heard of Churchrater.com? Its a website simply for rating church services....interesting.. or the EbayAtheist??

I feel like I am learning so much, and I love it

Thank goodness He knows what He's up to

Roller Coaster

I can not even begin to describe what this last week has been like. God has something up His sleeve...I know it.

It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.

God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.

I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?

God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.

And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?

At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...

I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.

And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...

I knew God was up to something...and He still is

Weekend Excursion

Whelp...went home this weekend...for my birthday was well as my mom's..

But really, I wanted to ask my parents, face-to-face, about bringing home a couple of my Chinese friends for Thanksgiving so they could experience it (for the first time), and not have to stay here in Nac. I also wanted to ask them if they had been praying about the whole missions thing, like I pleaded them to do when I met them at Focus.

Friday night comes...Though I have plans for a birthday party at 6 with some friends, I stick around to have dinner with the family, like the good ol' days. This was also going to be, what I thought, my best opportunity to lay it all out there.

First I asked about the Thanksgiving thing. I got laughed at. But I was like..ehh..okay... no big deal.. let's see what they think about the missions..

When I asked, they asked for more info, which I kindly explained was in the packet I had given them a month ago. Where was this packet? They had no idea. I started to get frustrated, but I asked, hoping for the best, "Well have you thought about it or prayed at all about it?" All I got were blank stares. I was so hurt. I thought that since this was such a big deal to me, it would be a big deal to them.

Now I know my parents don't understand missions, and much less want me going to China. But I REALLY tried to convey to them what a big deal this was to me when I met with them a month ago. I left the dinner table to go to the party in tears.

I think what I don't understand for the most part is that I really am ALOT different than my parents. And all growing up, I looked at them, wanting to be them...and now, I'm not...and I am perfectly happy with that...

I just wish they were too...

emergent...emerging?

I think I may be starting a "Landon-like" blog...and no, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Check out this video I found. Over the past month or so, I have been doing A WHOLE LOT of research and had a lot of interest in the Emergent Church. I have had many conversations with many people about this.. This is just something I found...Let me know what you think...

What does the future hold?

I knew the day would come when I realized that taking 20 hours along with doing an overload of everything else would be too much.

It's just too bad that that "day" has turned into several.

I had a slight breakdown today while in one of my horrendous early childhood classes (and no, these AREN'T easy classes...). I had forgotten one of the THREE assignments that were due today. That's when I opened up my planner, looked at everything I had going on, and was forced to remind myself to breathe.

And I think it really hit me...I don't want to do this. I don't want to teach for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? Now I know that those words are "of the devil," if said in the education building. And I think that even for a while, I couldn't even believe that something that I had dreamed of being my entire life, a teacher, was no longer what my heart wanted.

I first felt God's tugging on my heart a few years ago. He really pressed ministry upon my heart. But I pushed it deep down and hoped that the few people I had told, that they would forget about it.

Until last spring. God shook me around and said HELLO! And I heard Him loud and clear. But I could not imagine giving up my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.

But God knew that I wouldn't be able to give up my dream on my own...so He changed my heart. Though I still love kids, I don't really have a heart for teaching them anymore. I know that God has called me to something different..something in the church...something with young people, and I am so stoked to continue to seek out what He has planned.

So what now? It looks like I will keep persuing a degree in education...there's pretty much no turning back now. And besides...I'll need that lovely piece of paper with "Bachelors of Science" on it in order to go to seminary...

The thought for the day... as found on google..

Perhaps nature is our best assurance of immortality.--Eleanor Roosevelt

Everything in nature contributes to something else--like the hundred-year-old tree that stood tall until a wind storm. The protection it gave to thousands of birds and squirrels it now gives to insects and fungi. As it slowly decays, it nourishes the ground, and from the enriched soil grow several other trees. We human beings are part of this eternal cycle, our ideas and actions enriching those around us and influencing generations yet to come. Being part of this vast plan gives us comfort, and faith that everything that happens is meant to be. Our hearts fill with joy with the knowledge that we are needed; just as every tree is needed.

How do I fit into nature's plan today?

Well that's quite a heavy question if I don't say so myself.

I rode around the streets of Nac tonight with two of my very best friends, reminiscing about good times. The "remember whens" flooded the conversations.

And I realized.. HOLY COW..I really have changed alot! But I think its a good thing..no..I KNOW its a good thing.

It's a good thing that two years ago, I had relationships that I don't have no. Same goes with now..its a good thing that I have some relationships now that I didn't have two years ago.

I've screwed up, I'll admit. And I can garuantee that I will screw up again..and again. But I know that its "all in natures plan.." which in my mind, means God's up to something, which I am all for