I can't believe the semester is already over. I have been in Commerce for a mere five months, but there are some days that I feel like I have been here forever. Of course, there are other days that I feel like I have been here two days.

This semester has been a tough one. It's hard to move off to a place where you don't know a soul and start all over. Mix in the fact that your WHOLE LIFE is supposed to be about ministering to people. I think I fell on my face. A lot.

But I learned a lot too. I learned that ministry is hard....really hard. And I have to love people not out of obligation, but because Jesus loves them. I learned that true friends will be there for you, no matter how many miles away they live. I learned that being an adult is hard, but I can do it. I also learned that a pre-written budget makes things go a lot easier.

I am looking forward to God doing some major things next semester. I will be leading a small group in the sorority houses, which I am continuing to pray about. I know that this is something God laid on my heart and He has allowed it all to work out so far. I pray that girls will be drawn closer to Him through studying His word. I am also praying for a spiritual awakening amongst the believers on the campus of A&M Commerce, both in the BSM and outside. I pray that these students would be so excited about what Jesus is doing in their lives, that they couldn't help but to talk about it.

finals memory

With finals week upon us, I am reminded of my first round of finals during my first semester of my freshmen year at SFA.

That semester, I took the cursed Chem 125 class. Not only was this class a total bore, but it has a Friday final....at 8 in the morning. I don't know what I did the night before the final, but I know that I woke up at about 9 30 on Friday morning. I rolled over in bed, looked at my clock, and yelled out a "not-so-Christian" word. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I took off. I SPRINTED all the way from my dorm room to the science building. As I made it to the lecture hall, I saw the last of the other students trickling out after finishing their final. I didn't know what to do, so I did something I am very ashamed of.... I lied

I'm pretty sure I told the professors (two professors team-taught the course) that I was sick, which was why I was late for the final. One of them showed small signs of sympathy while the other was pretty much apathetic. I begged them to let me take the final. By then it was 9:45, and the final was supposed to be from 8-10. I swore that I could take it in just 15 minutes, if they would just give me a chance.

Needless to say, I took the final and passed the class....

Margaret

Margaret wasn't just an aunt, but more like the older sister that I always wanted. See, she lived with us for a while after she graduated from college. My brother and I would come home from school and she would give us a snack and help us with our homework. This was often the time that Bubba and I would fight and argue in the worst way. Margaret would get so mad at us and tell us that we were the "best birth control."

Over the last couple of days, I have been reminded of so many different ways that Margaret has influenced my life.

She has done big things in my life, like influencing me to go to college.
Margaret was a lot of the reason I wanted to go to college. I remember one Christmas when she got us all ENMU shirts. I loved that T-shirt. I can vividly picture her college graduation. We went to Portales for the weekend and it was then that I decided that I wanted to go to college. After seeing where Margaret lived, meeting her friends, and visiting the campus with Margaret, I knew that if my college experience was anything like Margaret's, I would be happy.

My senior year in high school, Margaret was probably more excited than me about starting to look for the right university. She took off and went with me, a friend, and my mom to visit Texas A&M. She made ME excited about going to school!

I don't know if I ever told her how much it truly meant for me to come to my college graduation. It was so special that she made such a big effort to gather up the kids and Jeremey to drive over three hours to Nacogdoches after a full day at work. They then got up early the next morning to sit in a muggy colisseum for my few seconds of fame as my name was called and I walked across the stage. Once we got back to my house, I was expecting them to say goodbye and head out. But Margaret and Jeremey saw that I was an emotional wreck and volunteered to stick around and help me and my parents pack up my things so I could move back home. Margaret was always one of the most selfless and giving people I knew.

Margaret was always doing selfless things, simply to show someone that she loved them. My sophmore year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had to have major surgery and was in the hospital for quite sometime in the fall. It just so happened that she was going to be in the hospital over my high school's homecoming. Knowing that there were other things to worry about, I didn't mention anything. But Margaret did not want me to miss out. She and Stephanee, her best friend, came to our house on the night of the event. They helped me get ready, did my make up, re-styled my hair after I hated what the stylist did, and took lots of pictures. Margaret not only didn't want me to miss out, but she didn't want my mom to miss the event.

Margaret also influenced me in the smallest ways too. I realized that I always try to keep clear or a natural color paint on my fingernails, because that's what she did. Somehow, it's like I thought that if I kept my nails painted, I could be beautiful, like her.

I always wanted to be like her. She seemed to have everything that I could have ever wanted.

In her room in Carlsbad, Margaret had a trundle bed that I loved. As a kid, I always wanted a trundle bed so I could be as cool as her. She also had a vanity in her room. When we used to visit Carlsbad, I would sneak off in her room and sit at her vanity. I would pretend I was putting on make-up, getting ready for a big date or a night out with my friends. I wanted to be just my beauitful Aunt Margaret.

When I was in seventh grade at a brand new junior high, I somehow got the guts to run for student council. Why? Because Margaret was student body president at her university. And I wanted to be like her. In fact, when I won the student council election, Margaret bought me a charm bracelet with my first charm, a gavel. I still treasure that charm bracelet.

Margaret collected crosses, so I started to collect them too. I seemed to think that only "cool" people collected crosses, and I wanted to be cool, like Margaret.

Margaret's wedding to Jeremey will forever be the ideal wedding to me. Even now, many years later, I always compare every wedding to hers. In my opinion, she had the most beautiful and most incredible wedding I have ever been to. I can only wish that my wedding will be as magical and perfect as hers was.

She used to have a standard car. I used to love to ride around with her, with Green Day playing in the background while she let me change gears whenever she would say, "shift!" I thought I was so cool. I wanted a manual car for a long time for that reason.


I remember a lot about her.

When we were young, my brother and I used to go up to Carlsbad for a week every summer. I remember one time when she was driving me and my brother back to Carlsbad. We spent the whole eight hours making up silly rules for the car ride. Some of our silly rules included if you needed to pass gas, you would have to stick your rear out the window while one of us held your hand. She also made it clear that there would be no asking "how much further" or an excessive amount of pit stops.That's one big thing Margaret taught me, to live your life in each moment. Don't simply let it pass you by, but enjoy every minute of it.

Apparently when Margaret was really young, she had quite the imagination. She made up an original song to sing while taking a shower. I made it my mission one summer to have her teach me that song. Even to this day, everytime I go to some sort of camp or retreat, I always teach the people I am with Margaret's shower song. Most of the girls from my home church can sing this song by heart too, because they have heard it so much.


But Margaret did not just make an impact on me when I was younger. In the recent years, I have found myself idolizing her in numerous ways. She showed me how to be a woman of character and integrity. She was a working woman and a devoted mom. She sought hard after the Lord and encouraged me in pursuing work in the ministry.

In this whole situation, I think what breaks my heart the most is the kids. Gretchen and Barton may not remember their mom as I do. In a way, I feel guilty that I knew Margaret so well. But I have decided that I do not simply want to be a cousin to Gretchen and Barton. I want to be like Margaret and go the extra mile so they know that I love them. And hopefully, they will catch a glimpse of their beautiful mom in me.

This is my aunt Margaret. She looks too young to be an aunt, huh? Well, she was more like an older sister. She was just 34, married to an amazing man with two beautiful kids, 2 and 4, who I would do anything for. I adored Margaret.

I don't understand it, and frankly, I'm a little angry about it. Margaret passed away this week. She was helping a friend with a rent house in Albequrque. (she was always one of the most loving, giving people I knew) They got there late Thursday night. She called Jeremey at home to tell him that she made it okay. Then, she and her friend turned on the heat before going to bed. Unfortunately, the furnace was broken and had a leak. Margaret never woke up. She and her friend passed away from carbon monoxide poisoning.

So if you have time, I beg you to please pray for Jeremey and their kids, Gretchen and Barton.

so....its been a while

I have been up to a lot in the past couple of months... rather..God has been up to a lot. But Iw ant to share one story in particular.

Last Monday was the WMU World Day of Prayer. Our local association, the Hunt Baptist Association was hosting this event in Lone Oak, a small town about an hour outside of Commerce. I had been asked to lead out in the time of prayer for North America, so I knew I had to be on time. I was not completely sure where I was going. I had gotten turned around a couple of times, so I was definitly running a little behind.

I finally made it Lone Oak, but still not totally sure where the retreat center was. However, as I was pulling into the town, I saw this lady that was at least fifty years old walking down the two-lane highway. As I was beginning to pass her, I thought "I should pick her up." But knowing I was running late, I went ahead and passed her. I didnt get far before I felt bad and turned around, but then I remembered I was running late and turned back to find the retreat center. I got about a mile down the highway and I just KNEW I had to pick her up.

After stopping to pick up my new friend, Ms. Mary, she explained that her gas had been stolen from her truck for the THIRD DAY. I took her to the police station. Sometime during our conversation, I told her that I was in Lone Oak for a World Day of Prayer and invited her to join me. She was SO EXCITED TO!

We showed up a little late, but the ladies at the retreat center didn't mind at all. The World Day of Prayer went great, and I can say with confidence that I wasn't the only one who enjoyed Ms. Mary's presence.

As I was taking Ms. Mary back home, she went on and on praising the Lord for how things had worked out for her. She said that she was about to get laid off for the Rubbermaid factory, she was in a financial bind, and she was in the "eye of the storm," but she was going to keep praising the Lord.

I want faith like Ms. Mary's.

Happy 150th Post!!!

So I have decided that one of my favorite parts of doing collegiate ministry is that I can live vicariously through other students. For instance, while at SFA, I always wished I could have taken more art classes. Not only did I not have the space in my schedule, but I probably don't have the patience to work on ONE art piece for weeks at a time. However, it turns out that A&M Commerce has a pretty big art program. I have been able to help a couple of students with their art pieces, at my convenience. The best part is, when I want to quit and go home, I can!

Another example, I have always wanted to take a photography class. Just so happens we have a few photo majors at the BSM. I had one student take me up to the photo room and show me all the fun machines and gadgets that process the film. I am hoping to go with her next time she has to process film, and see the whole thing in action.

As a leadership team, we are working our way through UnChristian. I started reading this book earlier this summer, but it brings a whole new perspective on it when you discuss it with other people. I almost feel like the UnChristian book was written about me. I have a lot of the same ideas that are expressed in the book. I totally understand why non-believers aren't big fans of the church. Heck! There are plenty of times that I'm not a big fan of the church. ("church" as in body of believers, not building with a steeple).
This book deals with a lot of the conceptions not-yet-believers have of Christians today. Our leadership team so far has discussed the issues of hypocrisy and being too concerned with numbers. I was shocked with how many people (not just our leadership team) were taken aback by what the research showed.
Needless to say, next week, we are taking about the people thinking that Christians are anti-homosexual. Should be an interesting conversation..and yours truly is leading it....

LOVE it!

Ministry is hard

I have been in Commerce for 5 weeks now. Classes have been in session for two weeks. Some days I feel like I have been here for only a couple days. Other days, I feel like I have been here forever.

I have found the toughest thing about doing ministry, at least collegiate ministry, is you can't force someone to have a heart for the campus. I want so badly to get into the students' minds and make them understand that there is a whole campus out there that does not know the Lord. I want them to have compassion for these people.

I can tell them over and over again about Jesus' heart for all, but until it "clicks" with them, I can only sit back, encourage them, and above all, pray for the campus...which is exactly what I intend to do.

I MADE IT!

I made it thru my first "real" week as an intern. There were times that I thought the week would never end. It seemed like we had event after event after event.

I am still working on getting to know everybody. At times, I found myself getting jealous of people who are interning at the campus they graduated from. They already know everybody. There were many times this week when someone would wonder into the BSM or up to me at an event. I would introduce myself and start telling them a bit about whats going on at the BSM, and they would look back at me like I was an idiot and say, "I know. I come here all the time." SHOOT!

I was feeling a little discouraged by the end of the week. I was really struggling with my purpose here...but I met someone at Overflow on Thursday night that really lifted my spirits. Afterwards, we were cleaning everything up and there was still some students just hanging out. Koji was standing off by himself, so I went up and introduced myself to him. He told me that he had graduated from A&M Commerce last May and was simply back for a visit. We began talking about him being an international student from Japan. His story is amazing....

Koji first came to Texas from Japan four years ago. He was at Trinity Valley Community College in Athens....a happening place. There, he had a few friends that would occassionally invite him to the free lunch at the BSM. He went, only to leave frustrated with all the "Christian stuff." One day, he was in the library, when another student from the BSM just walked by and said hello to him. He claims to have not known the girl, but felt like there was simply something different about her. Later that week, he wondered into the BSM for another lunch. A few weeks later, the BSM director told him about a group of Asian students from DBU that were getting together for a fellowship. He decided to join them, in hopes of asking some hard questions. And he did just that. After leaving that night, he wrestled for a while about what God had planted in his heart. He later went to meet with the director of the BSM at TVCC, where he prayed to invite Christ in his life.


And now....just THREE YEARS LATER.... he is in seminary. I was dumbfounded. Here was this guy, who was SO PUMPED UP about his Savior. He has been on many short-term mission trips, and is now studying to be a church planter or missionary. I want to be like Koji.

Its been a crazy week... more to come later.

But until then...check this out. I saw it on BBC News and thought it was worth sharing.

Joel owes me some money

It all started on August 6th, when Joel uploaded a certain video to his blog. (So before you watch my video, I BEG for you to watch the video on his. Otherwise, I fear what you will think about my video as a stand-alone)

So I watched the video on his blog, and my first thought was " OH MY GOSH!! That girl is a ME when I was little...we are ONE IN THE SAME!" I was not the only one to have that reaction once watching the video. I have talked to others who also think that this little girl is me reincarnated.

I couldn't let this 10 year old show me up. So here you go....

I just got back from a Campus Missionary/Intern retreat. I was a little nervous going into it. But I really did have a great time. I met some awesome people that are serving on campuses all over Texas. It was so (not to sound corny) inspiring to hear their hearts for college students. It also helped with the whole "lonely" factor. Meeting people who are kinda in the same boat as me was refreshing. It's good to know I am not alone.

We also got so many different resources. I am so stoked for this semester now.

Cribs: Commerce Style

Well, kids... I have survived my first week in Commerce. Can't say it was the most exciting weeks of my life. I still only know maybe...two people. Therefore, my weekend was pretty bland. I watched a total of five rented movies... and I'm pretty much okay with that.

Man..but visiting a church all by yourself is a new kind of lonesome. I visited one this morning... and I'm pretty sure they could have cared less that I was there. Not one person talked to me...even in Sunday school! But, I am going to try to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were having an "off" day...so I will give it another try. I did visit another church tonight that I enjoyed. It is a brand new church plant here in Commerce. A lot of young people, but some families as well. They seem to be a tight knit community...which I'm down for.

Brittany came to visit me last Thursday...which was SO EXCITING!!! I dont know if I have ever been so excited to see her. I was getting a little lonesome, so she was JUST what I needed. We even filmed our own version of "Cribs." I am hoping to post it tomorrow, once I get internet at the apt.

Well... I think I hear another movie calling my name...

..until next time..

Howdy...from Commerce!

Well.... its day two on the job. I moved down here on Sunday. I love my apartment...though its weird to live by myself. I keep waiting for Lindsay to walk in the door so we can make plans about the next Gilmore Girls we will watch. Maybe once I get the boxes cleared away, I will post some pics.
I got the pleasure of going to an associational meeting last night. Not too bad.
I am looking forward to meeting more students. I have spent the last day and a half working on my office...you know...putting stuff on the walls, filling the bookshelves...that kind of stuff. Classes dont start til the 25th. I hope I get more to do before then.

I wish I was a black woman...

If you know me at all, you would know that I am slightly in love with Tyler Perry. Madea is my hero. I recently read Tyler Perry's book "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings." I loved it. All of it. Because put bluntly, I love black people. I love their culture, their humor, all of it.

As I was reading, "Madea" (Tyler Perry) makes an AMAZING point about friendships. Seeing as how this is an issue I have been worried about/struggling with... I thought I'd share:

"Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away. There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go. Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come and take.

"Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the thigns you want to share with it.

"Finally, there are people who are like the roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO. When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everbody around you. Again, I repeat for emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might."


....ahh.... I love Madea

So I am officially obsessed with blogs. Google Reader is the most handy thing ever invented. With it, I subscribe to numerous blogs, but can read them all in one place.

One that I love to look at is boston.com/bigpicture. Check it out. This is my fave so far....




And I thought police on segways were kinda silly....

i love sports

i know its another video....but just watch it

steve harvey introduces jesus

the elephant in the room...

Graduation was merely two months ago. On the dot. And already, I have lost contact with 99% of my friends from SFA.

This has probably been because of a lack of effort on both sides. I gotta say though, there are somedays where I'm fine with how things have turned out. There are other days where it flat out STINKS.

It's days like I have had lately that can be rough when it comes to this whole "recently friend-less" season of my life. I've really been struggling during the past week, in a couple of ways. Simply put, I've been down. There have been a couple of things that I thought were pretty much dealt with that keep creeping back up. Can't say I'm a fan.

It's in those moments where I wish I could pick up the phone and call someone who was familar with the situation. The only thing worse that dealing with a problem is to have to explain how the problem started to someone before whining about the actual thing.

Of course I knew a time like this would come. I heard someone make a really good point once....Growing up, we always had "school friends." These were the people in grade school up to high school that were your friends at school, but not so much outside of school. Well when we go off to college, we may think that our days of having "school friends" are over. But maybe they aren't. Maybe instead of "school friends" clocking out at the end of each school day, they clock out at graduation. After all, when you are away at school, the "school friends" are all you have. You often don't have "real friends" to come home to at the end of the day.

It's just a thought.

And I dont say this to put down the amazing people I was close with over the past four years. I would not trade anything for everything each of them has done for me. And as much as my prideful self hates to admit it, there are times that I miss these people... a lot.

I am going to Commerce.

That being said...why does everyone constantly ask me "why?" Many people have asked why would I EVER want to go to Commerce when I had Minneapolis at my fingertips. Countless people ask WHY WOULD I EVEN THINK ABOUT starting a young adult ministry/small group at my home church when I am only here for the summer?

Get off my back.

Don't you think I have prayed and sought God out on this? Because I have. And I am confident on what He has be doing right now.

I would have LOVED to have gone to Minneapolis. It kills me that I am still turning down job offers up there. But a lot has come to head over the past month or so. I realized that in going to Minneapolis, I would be looking for an easy escape, simply running away. And I can't do that. Because I am tired of running.

a little update..


turned down the job in Minneapolis.

Went to Commerce on Friday to talk about a job there.

Freaked out.

Got another job offer in Minneapolis.

I'm not ready to make a big-girl decision.

Moving home has proven to be a lot harder than I thought. And I even knew coming into it that it wouldn't be easy.

To say the least, relationships have changed... all of them. A lot of them have fizzled out. It's only been a month since my days in Nac came to an end, and already, I think my phone bill wont be nearly as high.

Went to Nac this weekend... by far the worst mistake of my life. My heart was shattered, in more ways than one.

Turned down a job to Minneapolis... Never thought I'd say that.

My life is in a serious rut. I feel like everything has gone to pot...and has been for awhile. I have just been masking it all...I realized that going to Minneapolis would be running away from my problems, my aching heart. It sucks, no doubt..but it is what it is.

Did I mention that I also contribute to a community blog? It's usually quality stuff, written by quality people. You should check it out.

www.porchdiscourse.blogspot.com

my plan...or lack thereof

I a lot of possibilities right now...

There's the whole BSM intern thing... that would put me on a campus here in Texas...

There's Americorps in Boston... I have had some phone interviews with a few different agencies...

There's also Americorps in Minneapolis.... this was a recent add to the opportunity list. Something I have been praying about and finally got a "go" from God to pursue this..

so there it is... my opportunities.... still dont know whats next

The heart is a funny thing. It's a fragile thing. It's not a tough thing....at least not mine.

I drove around the other night. I find driving around late at night with the windows down and music blaring...to be a bit relaxing...therapeutic almost.

Anyways, I stopped at one point. Pulled over. Had a moment of closure. (maybe it was kinda creepy..) But I said what I needed to say, as if "they" were standing right there. After I said my peace, I turned the ignition, rolled down the windows, and blared some Miley Cyrus. I hadn't felt that good in a long time...





....until tonight. I felt like I took three GIANT steps back. And no, it wasn't that I made the conscious decision to go back. It was moreso thrust upon me. I won't lie. I broke me. There I was, getting upset over something that I SWORE would not get the best of me EVER AGAIN. I thought I had this handled. But then I was reminded of the state of the human heart...fragile. Then, I just got angry with myself for being upset, which only made me more upset. It's this evil cycle that comes with being a girl.

So where does that leave me now?

Ready to get the heck out of Nacogdoches!

A week of lasts

Well...I am now in my final week here in Nac. It's bittersweet, to say the least.

Last Thursday was my last Crave...ever. I haven't worshipped like that in a long time. At one point, I completely broke down. I went to a back room and fell to my knees. This is such an awkward time. My four years here is wrapping up. Friendships are fading out. It's all so weird. And it would be one thing if I knew what was coming next. But I don't. I have no idea. All I know is that a few hours after graduation, I will be back in Dallas. Who knows for how long? Or how short?

Looking back on this year, I think it is fair to say that is has been a little rough in terms of ministry. This has been my third year to be on "leadership" at the BSM. I think it has also been the toughest.

I am probably not alone in this overall reflection of the past year. In fact, I know I am not. There are a few people that have chosen to not return to a leadership role within the ministry simply because "this year did not go as they wanted." Dually noted.

But this is the time when the REAL leaders step up. Now is when people with true leadership abilities continue to fight for the ministry. If you don't like it, do something about it. Don't just jump ship.

It is a beautiful day. I could not ask for a more gloriously gorgeous afternoon to spend out here on the hammock.

So here I am, spending my Sunday afternoon chilling in the hammock.

I was writing a letter, one that I have been putting for a while, one that is incredibly hard to write out. However, I am praying it will bring healing. I feel that in the last year or so, that is all I have been yearning for...healing.

I had just started writing the most difficult part of this particular letter. In doing so, I am making myself so incredibly vulnerable. Just seeing it all on paper makes the pain increase. I feel as if I am ripping open a terrible wound, but one that is simply trying to heal under my self-imposed band-aid. I have attempted to put band-aid after band-aid on a gaping wound. I pray that in ripping off what I hope is the last band-aid, I can begin an actual healing process.

Needless to say, I am beginning to put delicate words on paper, feeling extremely vulnerable and possibly lonely. With iTunes on shuffle, the classic song "You Are So Beautiful to Me" starts playing. I couldn't help but put a pause on my letter and look around at the beautiful day. And in that moment, I felt as if God was singing this out to me. He is comforting me, reassuring me of His love and passion for me.

I found great comfort in Him at that moment. Though I am ripping at a deep and painful wound, He is there, helping to bring me healing and peace.

Been thinking about relationships recently, and the necessity and roles of them.

I screwed up this weekend. Won't go into details...but in doing so, I thought about my relationships. Shouldn't quality relationships provide a net for when you screw up?

I found myself worrying about what people were going to think about me when they find out that I screwed up...Won't they be disappointed, mad, or any other negative response?

Should I worry about this? No...

The people you love are supposed to love you...in your bad times too.

So next time I screw up, and I am sure that I will, I don't plan on worrying about what everyones gonna think....I'll just look for someone to help me back up.

Discouraged.

I feel very discouraged lately.

This whole student teaching thing is no fun. I don't like it at all. Have I possibly picked the wrong profession? Do I even WANT a profession?

And that leads me to my next issue... I graduate in a little over a hundred days and then what??? I SURE AS HECK do NOT want to teach..at least not 4th grade math! I really don't wanna get stuck in a duldrum, which I definitly fear.

And this whole ministry thing....Katy brought up a good point.. what IS ministry? This question matched the one that has been plaguing my mind...what is MY ministry?!?! I think it is fair to say that the bible study Radtke and I had going last semester didnt turn out as planned. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to not continue our Bible study. So I feel discouraged, thinking "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" But what a lame thing to have running through my head. Ministry isn't about a set time and place..it's a lifestyle, right?

But my lifestyle right now mirrors that of a 40 year old. I get up at 6:30, grab a lunch for the day, then head to school, where I teach all day (and don't get paid.) I then come home, get stuff ready for the next day, watch TV with my roommate for a bit, then head to bed around 9:30. How cool is that?

In other news...interracial speed dating on campus next Monday... haha

Life is crazy...ain't it?

I spent a good portion of tonight looking back and reading some previous blogs...what a super cool way to spend a Friday night, right? But I am glad I did. I was able to re-live some of the ups and downs that I seemed to have forgotten over the past couple of years.



Sean and I met tonight for our weekly Catalyst talk. We didn't talk about the material for long before we started talking about whatever was on our hearts. Next thing I knew, we had been there for almost two hours and we were joking about what the other person was like 3 or 4 years ago.



It's CRAZY to actually look back at who you were back then...to see your high points, and once again, grimmace at your low points. I was able to see where God has taken me, which was amazing. It is truly reaffirming to realize, "Oh yeah. God really DOES have a hand in this."



It's like what Sammons was saying last night at Crave (which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me...) He said that if you look in a concordance for "God's will," you pretty much find three things. One is God's providential will, another is God's moral will, and the last is his personal will.

Basically, if you are looking for God's personal will in your life, you should focus on the other two, and the personal part will fall into place. I heard that and it was like BAM! IN THE FACE! Here I am, freaking out about what's gonna happen when May comes. It seems that every prayer has something to do with what the heck God wants me to do with my life. But now I realize that if I will focus on the providential and moral will of God, His personal will for my life will be made known.....nice....

How can you not fall in love with this little girl? I think about her numerous times a day.

I spoke last Thursday to the BSM about my time in Transnistria. I showed them pictures, gave a run-down of our trip, and told the story of this little girl. Unexpectedly, I broke down and start to cry, as I relived that precious hour.

We went to an orphange for children from birth up to about six years old. This was, by far, our favorite orphange. I know that sounds bad, but this was the only orphange that we were able to really sit down and play with the kids, one on one. We basically went from room to room, spending a fair amount of time in each classroom, interacting with the kids.

We made it to the room for 1-2 year olds, where I saw this little girl. She looked up at me with those big eyes, and I pretty much melted. I knelt down to get at her level and she immediately opened her arms and clung to me. I picked her up and played with her for a bit. Her laugh was indescribable and still rings in my ears. After we "danced" for awhile, I noticed the director talking to Vladimir, our translator, about the little girl I was holding. Vladimir turned to me and explained that this adorable little girl had been abandoned as an infant at a local construction site. Her mother, an AIDS victim, left all of her papers with her, and is now on the run from the police.

I lost it. What did this little girl do to deserve this? Chances are, her entire childhood will be spent shuffling from one orphange to another. I was there, had a good time with this little girl, but the time came that I had to put her down and leave, knowing that there is not much I can do to change her life...and thats a hard thing to realize.

This is the part I hate about "mission trips" ... the coming back to reality. I am still kind of processing my time in Transnistria. But as the days have gone on, I am more ready and willing to share pictures, tell stories. But I have found that that's hard. I should have known that, after coming to this realization after Minneapolis. I understand, people have other things to do...this is the time that I REALLY miss my team. They would understand every bit of every story. I have sent them a few texts and facebook messages, telling them that I miss them and I wish we were back in Tiraspol.

That's another hard part. Iwould love to look back and give a report or pinpoint something and say, "This is what we did...those kids have a better life now." But they are still orphans, living an institutionalized, orphan life. Sure, we provided a good time for them for an hour or so, but are their lives any different? I guess I will never know. And I am sure that is how is supposed to be. And don't harp on me about how "it's not about what YOU do..its about what God did..." I am well aware of that. But I don't know that either!

I have been talking to Anna, one of our translators, a lot since we got back. Her regular job, besides being a translator, is to be an advocate, or social worker, for children in the orphanages. I am absolutely FASCINATED by her job. In fact, I told her that I would love to come back and simply shadow her on a daily basis. She was telling me just two days ago about a family that wishes to adopt. That gives me some form of hope for those kids. I know the family coming forward to adopt has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us being there, but it's good to know that starting soon, one of those kids will have a better life.

A lot of people are asking, "How was your trip?" I understand this, but it's hard. I think I have subconsciously been avoiding actually processing my time in Transnistria. I had an amazing time while in Tiraspol, but it was so very hard.

I would have loved to say that Transnistria is changed because of us. But that would be a bit of a fairy-tale. We came, we left, and Transnistria is still the same. It is still a sad, corrupt country. Many people are still lacking hope. It is hard to put a child down after you have cradled her, and you know that there is nothing you can do to change her situation.

When I have actually thought about this more, I will post again.