accountability

I have been thinking alot lately...about alot of things...

I sat down with two very close friends last night and broke some barriers with them. As the three of us sat together last night, doing our usual "studying," the subject of accountability came up. One of them asked how come, even though we are amazingly close friends, we still can not seem to be 100 percent honest with one another about our struggles and our weaknesses.

The way my response easily rolled off my tongue scared me a little in afterthought. I quickly replied, "Because we are girls and we are evil. We think no matter who the other girl is, we are in competition with them."

Scary...but true.

Even if I trust someone immensely, I still feel incredibly threatened when accountability comes up. Because accountability requires honesty. And honesty requires trust.

But do I have any?

I said that some barriers were broken...and they were. After we agreed on the fact that this, though a true statement, was a stupid and petty one, I posed the question, "So what IS your biggest struggle or weakness right now?"

Silence overcame all of us. We avoided eye contact for what seemed like hours.

After some awkard giggles, one of us started...and each one of us followed.

It was incredible to be able to boast in my weaknesses, just as Christ says to do. Before we left, we decided that we would pray for each other. We each expressed one way that the others could pray for us throughout the week.

It truly was an incredible night. I left feeling humbled, uplifted, and encouraged. I had two other people that knew my struggles and I knew theirs. I knew I could be honest with them just like they could be honest with me.

Why did it take me so long to get to this point?

International affair

God is good.. as if thats not apparent..

A few weeks ago, I came to a Thursday night at the BSM with a "holy expectation." Chris and Katie and I had been talking earlier that day about what having a "holy expectation" means... and how we when we come to worship expecting to meet with God, not only will we meet with Him, but He will surpass any expectation we have.

That night, as I stood in the back during the first worship set, I saw five Chinese guys walk in. Seeing as the BSM is 99.99% percent white, I won't lie, they stood out. I went over and introduced myself and invited them to have a seat with me.

Luo, the leader of the pack, sat beside me, and while Chris was on stage giving his spill about something that I am sure pertained to Jesus, Luo leaned over and asked if we had a small group for non-believers. He went on to explain that he was a believer, but the other four guys aren't...this started an amazing relationship...

These five guys, Luo, Raymond, Jayson, Henry, and Bill, have come to the BSM pretty much everytime its open. They have brought some other friends with them, like Lily, Lemon, Lee, Cee Cee, and on occasion, Suoy.

I have developed and incredible friendship with everyone of these people. They are all international students, having only been here since a couple of days before classes started. Through their broken English and some hardcore patience, I have had some of the most amazing conversations with these new friends.

I dont know if I have ever met anyone that was seeking as much as a couple of them are.

Every time I see them, everything else that I am stressed about goes away. We have our inside jokes. They are a sassy and hilarious group of people. God has given me such a heart for these people. I love sitting with them, discussing Chinese culture and hearing how they were brought up. Lily even gave me a Chinese name, Ya Ya...

These new friends of mine warm my heart. Not a day goes by that I dont think about them and stop to pray for them. I pray that God would reveal Himself to them in a way that they cannot deny. I also pray that they would see Christ through me, as well as all the other amazing people that have befriended them.

So next time you see a big group of Chinese international students, stop and say "hey!" And ask Jayson when the last time he had a hamburger was!

Missions

God is up to something... I am just not sure what.. and this not knowing is killing me!

So many people know that I am praying about where God would have me spend the next year of my life... and I hate saying "I dont know" when people ask about it...

Could I spend next semester in Niger teaching 2 MK?

Could I spend the summer in East Asia doing a cultural exchange with other college students?

Could I spend the fall semester in Asia teaching 3 MK?

Who knows what God has in store?!?!

So we are into the fourth week of school, yet I feel like I have been here a whole semester already...

This semester is like none other...thats for dang sure! When people ask how I am doing, I give my normal answer of, "Busy...!"

I was talking to a friend the other day. I had not talked to her in a few days, and she was just asking how things were going and such. I told her that, naturally, I have been insanely busy. I also shared with her with God has impressed upon me over the past few weeks....

When I wake up each morning, I open my beloved planner and look at what the day holds for me. And almost every morning, I let out a loud moan, mumble some corny phrases that are minor substitutes for some other "choice words," and have a minor anxiety attack about all that needs to be accomplished that day. Every night, as I am preparing for bed, I open my planner back up, crossing out what was accomplished, highlighting what wasn't, and look at what the next day has in store. This, too, leads to a minor anxiety attack.

But what's interesting is what occurs during the gap between those two points of my day. Now before, I would be consistent in the freaking out about what needs to be done. Stress was ever present all throughout the day...but that was before. I told my friend the other day that I am stuck somewhere between being completely overwhelmed and completely content. What an odd place to be stuck, right? But it's true. I look at my planner at those two crucial parts of my day, thinking, "How the heck am I going to do all of this?" But what is different, and slightly odd even, is that during the day, while I am actually carrying out all that needs to be done, I am not stressed or freaking out.

But why? I believe I have finally learned how to give it (my schedule) over to God. And all it took was a random comment made by an old friend. See, after not talking to him for months, he had asked how I was doing. Like usual, I said "busy!" to which he replied, "Ever since I have known you, (for 8 years now) you have always been busy!" How true is that?! Going back to the friend mentioned earlier, she asked me the other day "You like being busy, don't you?" I had to think about it. Maybe it is just that I do not know any other way...

But God is showing me how to let my schedule be about him, and not me...

I definitly don't get enough sleep, but I awake each morning feeling refreshed and ready to go. I don't spend enough time with my friends as I would like, but God has granted me friends that are understanding to all that I am doing. I don't get to spend enough alone time with Him as I would like, so He meets with me between classes, while walking on campus. I don't get to go home as often as I hoped to, but my family understands (for the most part).

If that's not God, I don't know what is