Being home for the holidays has forced me to do a lot of thinking...most about my family. (And no, this isn't going to be a rant on the fam)
It's a normal thing for the four of us to sit around during this time and talk about memories. The "remember whens" bring back many laughs and smiles, and occasionally, a few tears. So thinking back to these cherished memories, I start thinking of my childhood as a whole.
Now I wasn't raised in a "Christian household." I don't know what it's like to have your parents wake you up for church, much less make you go. I have no idea how to pray with my family outside of our typical blessing over the Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Hard times were just that...hard times..that sucked. And when it was good, it was because we were "lucky"..nothing else...
And tonight, some friends were over and we were watching Nick-at-Nite (thats the cool thing to do on a Saturday night, if you were unaware). Rosanne came on and one of my friends who WAS brought up in a Christian home said "We weren't allowed to watch this when I was young," to which I replied, "We watched this together as a family..." So I start thinking- what all DID we watch as a family? I remember being young and watching rated R movies with the fam. Sex, drugs, violence...all normal television for me. TV shows like Sightings and Married, with Children were regulars for us. But somehow, I turned out okay (at least I think so)
So I wonder, am I just lucky? Or is it really okay to expose kids to so much?
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
On the Homefront
Day 4 of being in Garland...and I can already feel the insanity overcoming me.
I went to Journey Sunday night. And I liked it...alot. We sang Christmas Carols, but we sang them as worship songs...if that is at all possible. The quaint-ness of the entire setting was nice. I snuck in a few minutes late, after getting quite lost. I did the typical visitor thing and sat in the very back on the end of the row. But afterwards, a couple of people made a point of coming over to chit-chat with me before I did the sly visitor routine and disappeared. I even stayed after a bit to listen in on a budget meeting. Sure, there was some arguing, but it was nice to know that this is a REAL church, one that deals with REAL issues like budget. It was comforting to see that it wasn't some fantasy church that secretly existed in a room within another church.
But the good stuff (insert sarcasm) came when I got home. See, I decided to go to Journey (on my own, mind you) instead of going to our (more so my family's) church for the candlelit Lord's Supper. When I came home, my dad made some rude remark about how I shoud have gone, which I responded with how I wanted to just try out this church.... A few shouts later and amongst the ignorant remarks made, my dad told me that he fears I "may join a cult..."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
Since day one, I have known that my dad is not a fan of me being independent... "I will always be his little girl..." So apparently, I am supposed to believe what he believes, pray like he prays, and worhip like he worships, where he worships.
But I have NEVER accused him of doing the wrong thing by singing hymns, wearing a suit and tie to church, or any of that. I simply tell him that thats fine that it works for him, but it doesn't for me. Funny thing is, I was the one that constantly hounded him about coming to church...for a couple of years, before he finally came to visit, and later accepted Christ as his Savior...
There's some irony in this whole situation..and I don't like it. I guess I will turn to my "cult" for answers...
I went to Journey Sunday night. And I liked it...alot. We sang Christmas Carols, but we sang them as worship songs...if that is at all possible. The quaint-ness of the entire setting was nice. I snuck in a few minutes late, after getting quite lost. I did the typical visitor thing and sat in the very back on the end of the row. But afterwards, a couple of people made a point of coming over to chit-chat with me before I did the sly visitor routine and disappeared. I even stayed after a bit to listen in on a budget meeting. Sure, there was some arguing, but it was nice to know that this is a REAL church, one that deals with REAL issues like budget. It was comforting to see that it wasn't some fantasy church that secretly existed in a room within another church.
But the good stuff (insert sarcasm) came when I got home. See, I decided to go to Journey (on my own, mind you) instead of going to our (more so my family's) church for the candlelit Lord's Supper. When I came home, my dad made some rude remark about how I shoud have gone, which I responded with how I wanted to just try out this church.... A few shouts later and amongst the ignorant remarks made, my dad told me that he fears I "may join a cult..."
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
Since day one, I have known that my dad is not a fan of me being independent... "I will always be his little girl..." So apparently, I am supposed to believe what he believes, pray like he prays, and worhip like he worships, where he worships.
But I have NEVER accused him of doing the wrong thing by singing hymns, wearing a suit and tie to church, or any of that. I simply tell him that thats fine that it works for him, but it doesn't for me. Funny thing is, I was the one that constantly hounded him about coming to church...for a couple of years, before he finally came to visit, and later accepted Christ as his Savior...
There's some irony in this whole situation..and I don't like it. I guess I will turn to my "cult" for answers...
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Jesus says that the "Harvest is plentiful..."
Why do we take this as a bad thing? We hear this and automatically have the mindset, "There are so many people out there dying and going to hell..."
But tell a farmer that his "harvest is plentiful"... HES STOKED!
No I am not saying we should be rejoicing because there are so many people suffering in the world...but why not look at it as if there are so many people that are ready to come to Christ.
Dictionary.com defines harvest as:
1. Also, har·vest·ing. the gathering of crops.
2. the season when ripened crops are gathered.
3. a crop or yield of one growing season.
4. a supply of anything gathered at maturity and stored:
so if you "harvest" a crop once it's good and ready...doesn't it only make sense to say that there are so many people out there that are ready and willing to be "harvested?"
Why do we take this as a bad thing? We hear this and automatically have the mindset, "There are so many people out there dying and going to hell..."
But tell a farmer that his "harvest is plentiful"... HES STOKED!
No I am not saying we should be rejoicing because there are so many people suffering in the world...but why not look at it as if there are so many people that are ready to come to Christ.
Dictionary.com defines harvest as:
1. Also, har·vest·ing. the gathering of crops.
2. the season when ripened crops are gathered.
3. a crop or yield of one growing season.
4. a supply of anything gathered at maturity and stored:
so if you "harvest" a crop once it's good and ready...doesn't it only make sense to say that there are so many people out there that are ready and willing to be "harvested?"
Monday, December 11, 2006
Long ....but worth reading (in my opinion)
Still reading Organic Church...Still loving it
Here's a little for you to nibble on...
"If any ONE Christian alive today were to lead just one person to Christ every year and disciple that person so that he or she would, in turn, do the same the next year, it would take only about thirty-five years to reach the entire world for Christ! But it could be even closer than that. If every Christian alive today were to reproduce in the same way, the world would be won to Christ in the next two to four years....Christianity is always just one generation away from extinction. If we fail to reproduce ourselves and pass the torch of life into the hands of the next generation, Christianity will be over within just one generation. Yet because of the power of multiplication, we are also one generation away from worldwide fulfillment of the Great Commission. The choice is ours."
I mean...come on...REALLY?!?! What are we sitting around for?
I also got another bit of insight on the Lord's Supper... never heard this before. Still not sure what I think...tell me your opinion...
So in the book, it says how the Church has "taken and 'sanctified' them (symbolic exercises) to the extent that only the ordained can conduct them and they are performed only in the sanctity of church halls behind stained-glass windows. We even instruct unbelievers not to participate in the communion (which is a restriction not actually found in the Bible).
Hm...that's interesting... So I looked at the notes in the back of the book ... which say...
"The actual warning not to take the elements of communion 'in an unworthy manner' (1 Cor. 11:27-32) is for church members who are abusing the Lord's Supper for personal gain at the expense of others. It is clear that the discipline accompanying taking the supper in an unworthy manner is directed toward Christians, as Paul explains that this very punishment is one thing that seperates us from the condemnation of the world (v. 32). There is no mention that this applies in any way to unbelievers who are already under a strict judgement for sin, or as Paul says, 'condemnation.' When we do take the communion as Jesus intended, we 'proclaim His death until He comes' (1 Cor 11:26). Even in the very first communion, when Jesus gave us the example to follow in rememberance of Him, he clearly did not exclude the unbeliever who was at the table (Luke 22:14-23; John 13:10-11)."
Just something to think about
Here's a little for you to nibble on...
"If any ONE Christian alive today were to lead just one person to Christ every year and disciple that person so that he or she would, in turn, do the same the next year, it would take only about thirty-five years to reach the entire world for Christ! But it could be even closer than that. If every Christian alive today were to reproduce in the same way, the world would be won to Christ in the next two to four years....Christianity is always just one generation away from extinction. If we fail to reproduce ourselves and pass the torch of life into the hands of the next generation, Christianity will be over within just one generation. Yet because of the power of multiplication, we are also one generation away from worldwide fulfillment of the Great Commission. The choice is ours."
I mean...come on...REALLY?!?! What are we sitting around for?
I also got another bit of insight on the Lord's Supper... never heard this before. Still not sure what I think...tell me your opinion...
So in the book, it says how the Church has "taken and 'sanctified' them (symbolic exercises) to the extent that only the ordained can conduct them and they are performed only in the sanctity of church halls behind stained-glass windows. We even instruct unbelievers not to participate in the communion (which is a restriction not actually found in the Bible).
Hm...that's interesting... So I looked at the notes in the back of the book ... which say...
"The actual warning not to take the elements of communion 'in an unworthy manner' (1 Cor. 11:27-32) is for church members who are abusing the Lord's Supper for personal gain at the expense of others. It is clear that the discipline accompanying taking the supper in an unworthy manner is directed toward Christians, as Paul explains that this very punishment is one thing that seperates us from the condemnation of the world (v. 32). There is no mention that this applies in any way to unbelievers who are already under a strict judgement for sin, or as Paul says, 'condemnation.' When we do take the communion as Jesus intended, we 'proclaim His death until He comes' (1 Cor 11:26). Even in the very first communion, when Jesus gave us the example to follow in rememberance of Him, he clearly did not exclude the unbeliever who was at the table (Luke 22:14-23; John 13:10-11)."
Just something to think about
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Tried a lil something new
So it's my last Sunday in Nac this semester...sounds like a perfect day to go to a brand new church...right?
Well maybe today wasn't the the most logical day to try a new church, but I did it anyways. I went to the Vineyard here in the good ol Nac-o-plex...
...And I loved it! Let me give you a brief run down of "church."
10 - continental breakfast
10:30 - worship
11 - coffee break for more fellowship
11:15 sermon
I loved it. Even if I already said it, I will say it again... I REALLY liked this church. It seemed like what a church should be than any other place I have been to. When we walked in, we were cheerfully greeted, but not overbearingly so. We got some breakfast and headed to the worship room/big room/whatever it is called. We sat at a table (who would have thought....tables in a "sanctuary"?!?!) More and more people came up to talk to us.
As I sat back to just watch and take it all in, I noticed a few things that made this church stand out. First, there were people there that would NOT fit in, much less feel comfortable in any other church. They weren't wearing matching clothes, their hair wasn't a "done" as it could have been, and there were a few that I wondered when the last time they washed their hair was.... But I loved that part of it!!
Also, the people greeted each other like family they hadn't seen in years. Big hugs, even between the men! An honest, "How are you doing? How is (whatever) going in your life?" They REALLY care about each other.
Then, my favorite part of the whole thing.... during the "coffee break," there were about 10 people who went outside for a smoke break.... REALLY?? I have never seen this done before? People smoking two feet away from the church? I admit, I at first had the (now shameful) thought of " WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!? YOU CANT DO THAT!!" but then I realized... yes they can.. they love Jesus just like I do.
Maybe that's where I will start going on a regular basis. I am not sure that being a junior in college and STILL church hopping in the best thing to do....
Well maybe today wasn't the the most logical day to try a new church, but I did it anyways. I went to the Vineyard here in the good ol Nac-o-plex...
...And I loved it! Let me give you a brief run down of "church."
10 - continental breakfast
10:30 - worship
11 - coffee break for more fellowship
11:15 sermon
I loved it. Even if I already said it, I will say it again... I REALLY liked this church. It seemed like what a church should be than any other place I have been to. When we walked in, we were cheerfully greeted, but not overbearingly so. We got some breakfast and headed to the worship room/big room/whatever it is called. We sat at a table (who would have thought....tables in a "sanctuary"?!?!) More and more people came up to talk to us.
As I sat back to just watch and take it all in, I noticed a few things that made this church stand out. First, there were people there that would NOT fit in, much less feel comfortable in any other church. They weren't wearing matching clothes, their hair wasn't a "done" as it could have been, and there were a few that I wondered when the last time they washed their hair was.... But I loved that part of it!!
Also, the people greeted each other like family they hadn't seen in years. Big hugs, even between the men! An honest, "How are you doing? How is (whatever) going in your life?" They REALLY care about each other.
Then, my favorite part of the whole thing.... during the "coffee break," there were about 10 people who went outside for a smoke break.... REALLY?? I have never seen this done before? People smoking two feet away from the church? I admit, I at first had the (now shameful) thought of " WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!? YOU CANT DO THAT!!" but then I realized... yes they can.. they love Jesus just like I do.
Maybe that's where I will start going on a regular basis. I am not sure that being a junior in college and STILL church hopping in the best thing to do....
Friday, December 08, 2006
ramblings
I just wrote out a whole blog and realized it made no sense at all... so I deleted it.
There is so much running through my mind right now, that it all runs together....coming out completely jumbled and making no sense to anyone, even me.
Here's one thing whirling around in my head lately...
All through jr high and high school, I got along with my parents pretty well. Sure, we had arguments now and again, but I definitly never really rebelled. I think it's hitting me now... I am a late bloomer in a sense.
They drive me crazy. I won't lie, I am not totally pumped about going home for Christmas. The idea of chilling with my family for a WHOLE MONTH makes me quiver.
I came to this conclusion after our mini-vacation to the deer lease over Thanksgiving, which wasn't deemed successful in my eyes. And on my way back to Nac, I thought about all of my friends who were so excited to go home and hang out with their family. And here I am, stoked about driving back to Nac, to get away from them. This is what crossed my mind, "I am a horrible person...I don't love my family like everyone else..What is wrong with me?" I have been dwelling on this conclusion for the past couple of weeks
Until a couple of days ago... I realized, I am going through this stage now, where most people went through it earlier in life. I LOVE to argue with my parents. I INTENTIONALLY run late to things with them, because I know they are so anal about time. I LOVE to drive them crazy. Sure, I may not admit that at the time, but sitting down and thinking about it, I realize that I do. I know that I will come out of this stage at some point...not that I know when. And really, I hope it is sooner rather than later, for my own sake.
In fact, it would be nice if I could come out of this stage within the next week, before I head back for Christmas
There is so much running through my mind right now, that it all runs together....coming out completely jumbled and making no sense to anyone, even me.
Here's one thing whirling around in my head lately...
All through jr high and high school, I got along with my parents pretty well. Sure, we had arguments now and again, but I definitly never really rebelled. I think it's hitting me now... I am a late bloomer in a sense.
They drive me crazy. I won't lie, I am not totally pumped about going home for Christmas. The idea of chilling with my family for a WHOLE MONTH makes me quiver.
I came to this conclusion after our mini-vacation to the deer lease over Thanksgiving, which wasn't deemed successful in my eyes. And on my way back to Nac, I thought about all of my friends who were so excited to go home and hang out with their family. And here I am, stoked about driving back to Nac, to get away from them. This is what crossed my mind, "I am a horrible person...I don't love my family like everyone else..What is wrong with me?" I have been dwelling on this conclusion for the past couple of weeks
Until a couple of days ago... I realized, I am going through this stage now, where most people went through it earlier in life. I LOVE to argue with my parents. I INTENTIONALLY run late to things with them, because I know they are so anal about time. I LOVE to drive them crazy. Sure, I may not admit that at the time, but sitting down and thinking about it, I realize that I do. I know that I will come out of this stage at some point...not that I know when. And really, I hope it is sooner rather than later, for my own sake.
In fact, it would be nice if I could come out of this stage within the next week, before I head back for Christmas
Monday, December 04, 2006
Organic Church
So I began a new book this weekend and I like it...ALOT. Its called Organic Church. I just kinda gazed by it while at the Nac Public Library. I would suggest you read it..
But early on, it makes some amazing statements.
For instance....why do we call non-believers the "unchurched?" Since when does going to church make you a beleiver anyways? He says it so well when he says, "We expect people to come to church in order to come to Christ, and the people of the world want nothing to do with church. We are so obsessed with our religious club that we actually identify those who do not have a relationship with Jesus as the unchurched."
This book is about taking church where the people are...not expecting them to come to you..which makes sense.
He also says in the book, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in the smoking section. That is where lost people are found, and if you make them put their cigarette out to hear the message they will be thinking about only one thing: 'When can I get another cigarette?'"
Is this not completely true? Maybe I am just going off on this whole "hoarding the light" business...
But early on, it makes some amazing statements.
For instance....why do we call non-believers the "unchurched?" Since when does going to church make you a beleiver anyways? He says it so well when he says, "We expect people to come to church in order to come to Christ, and the people of the world want nothing to do with church. We are so obsessed with our religious club that we actually identify those who do not have a relationship with Jesus as the unchurched."
This book is about taking church where the people are...not expecting them to come to you..which makes sense.
He also says in the book, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in the smoking section. That is where lost people are found, and if you make them put their cigarette out to hear the message they will be thinking about only one thing: 'When can I get another cigarette?'"
Is this not completely true? Maybe I am just going off on this whole "hoarding the light" business...
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
hoarding the light
this kind of goes along with the previous post....
you may remember this...either way, watch it again...
alot
This week has been quite eventful. Alot has been on my mind.
I have been reading through the Gospels...and you know how Jesus talks to the "sinners" sometimes, telling them what they are doing. I mean, I am sure Jesus had a "tone," if you know what I mean. We were talking in my small group tonight, do you think we can talk to people like that? I guess...kinda like call them out? I don't know...
I have also been thinking about Heaven. After talking to Allie a little about it, I started wondering about relationships in Heaven. In Matthew 23ish, Jesus basically says that you aren't married in Heaven. So if that relationship doesn't carry over, which ones do, if any? I heard someone say today, when we were discussing this, that she knows of a lady that gets sad sometimes, because she knows that when she sees her dad in Heaven (who is already there), their relationship won't be the same. It will be a brother-sister relationship...I am not sure what exactly I think about all of this....
Tonight, a group of us were at Whataburger. Anyone here in Nac knows that after midnight, the only 2 fast food restaurants open are Taco Bell and Whataburger and it is during this time that more drunk people step through the doors than sober people. Well tonight was a typical night. And in walked in a girl, who was slightly scantily clad. Basically, she was coming out of the top of her shirt...if you know what I mean. And what did most of us 8 believers do? Giggle. Joke. Mock. Laugh. Point. Snicker.
Notice that we didn't love. We didn't care. We didn't hurt. Is this not hoarding the light? Is this what Christ would have us to do? I am not saying that we should run up and give her a great big hug while shouting, "HALLELUJAH!! JESUS LOVES YOU!" But why not simple make eye contact? Or simply smile? How about this...remember her...pray for her... let that be a realization that there IS life outside of the BSM or your group of Christian friends. Let your heart be broken for God's people that He loves, they just don't realize it.
I was also thinking about the church... which seems to be the hot topic lately. Now here in good ol' Nacogdoches, I may not have found a church that I feel completely cozy at. But I need to be serving somewhere. God has given me this time in my life to use for Him. I have read many of books that say that with this "season of singleness," I need to run with it. Now I am living the life with no big responsibilities, noone else to take care of, or anything else of the "real world," so why am I not serving more? I love to sit back and talk. Talk about Heaven...talk about the church...talk about what Jesus was like...whatever...But what am I DOING?! not enough...
I have been reading through the Gospels...and you know how Jesus talks to the "sinners" sometimes, telling them what they are doing. I mean, I am sure Jesus had a "tone," if you know what I mean. We were talking in my small group tonight, do you think we can talk to people like that? I guess...kinda like call them out? I don't know...
I have also been thinking about Heaven. After talking to Allie a little about it, I started wondering about relationships in Heaven. In Matthew 23ish, Jesus basically says that you aren't married in Heaven. So if that relationship doesn't carry over, which ones do, if any? I heard someone say today, when we were discussing this, that she knows of a lady that gets sad sometimes, because she knows that when she sees her dad in Heaven (who is already there), their relationship won't be the same. It will be a brother-sister relationship...I am not sure what exactly I think about all of this....
Tonight, a group of us were at Whataburger. Anyone here in Nac knows that after midnight, the only 2 fast food restaurants open are Taco Bell and Whataburger and it is during this time that more drunk people step through the doors than sober people. Well tonight was a typical night. And in walked in a girl, who was slightly scantily clad. Basically, she was coming out of the top of her shirt...if you know what I mean. And what did most of us 8 believers do? Giggle. Joke. Mock. Laugh. Point. Snicker.
Notice that we didn't love. We didn't care. We didn't hurt. Is this not hoarding the light? Is this what Christ would have us to do? I am not saying that we should run up and give her a great big hug while shouting, "HALLELUJAH!! JESUS LOVES YOU!" But why not simple make eye contact? Or simply smile? How about this...remember her...pray for her... let that be a realization that there IS life outside of the BSM or your group of Christian friends. Let your heart be broken for God's people that He loves, they just don't realize it.
I was also thinking about the church... which seems to be the hot topic lately. Now here in good ol' Nacogdoches, I may not have found a church that I feel completely cozy at. But I need to be serving somewhere. God has given me this time in my life to use for Him. I have read many of books that say that with this "season of singleness," I need to run with it. Now I am living the life with no big responsibilities, noone else to take care of, or anything else of the "real world," so why am I not serving more? I love to sit back and talk. Talk about Heaven...talk about the church...talk about what Jesus was like...whatever...But what am I DOING?! not enough...
Monday, November 27, 2006
What I learned while deer hunting
Thursday, Thanksgiving, my family and I rushed through our Thanksgiving Lunch, as normal. We then headed back to the house before heading out to the deer lease. This is the traditional Thanksgiving for my family, rushing through a meal so they can get on the road. The only difference this year is that I joined them on this journey to the deer lease, where in years past, I stay home.
The deer lease was four hours away, in West Texas somewhere. We were there for four days...shoot me now.
My family thought I couldn't deal with the whole no shower, potty in the woods, sleeping in a nasty camp. That didn't bother me. What did was that THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.. I was bored out of my mind.
But with all this extra time I had while sitting and staring at the campsite, I came to many realizations.
1. I REALLY am ADD. I can't sit still. I can't be quiet for three hours. I can't sit for hours with nothing to do.
2. I am not as big of a fan of my family as everyone else is with theirs..if that makes sense. It seems that all of my friends absolutely LOVE their family. Don't get me wrong, my family is great and all. But stick me with them for four days non-stop, and I am pretty annoyed. It got to the point that EVERYTHING they did got on my nerves.
3. Another realization, which definitly wasn't and amazing feeling, was that I don't have much in common with my family. I want to talk about things that they don't care to listen to. That's a bummer...
4. When you the only place you can pee is in the woods, it makes you second guess yourself everytime you get an urge to go potty.
5. Five shots of tequila are a little much before going out with a gun. No this isn't from personal experience. My dad's best friend had a bit to drink before going out for the afternoon hunt.
Though there were many other realizations from the week. I think it will just be awhile before I head out to the deer lease again....
The deer lease was four hours away, in West Texas somewhere. We were there for four days...shoot me now.
My family thought I couldn't deal with the whole no shower, potty in the woods, sleeping in a nasty camp. That didn't bother me. What did was that THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.. I was bored out of my mind.
But with all this extra time I had while sitting and staring at the campsite, I came to many realizations.
1. I REALLY am ADD. I can't sit still. I can't be quiet for three hours. I can't sit for hours with nothing to do.
2. I am not as big of a fan of my family as everyone else is with theirs..if that makes sense. It seems that all of my friends absolutely LOVE their family. Don't get me wrong, my family is great and all. But stick me with them for four days non-stop, and I am pretty annoyed. It got to the point that EVERYTHING they did got on my nerves.
3. Another realization, which definitly wasn't and amazing feeling, was that I don't have much in common with my family. I want to talk about things that they don't care to listen to. That's a bummer...
4. When you the only place you can pee is in the woods, it makes you second guess yourself everytime you get an urge to go potty.
5. Five shots of tequila are a little much before going out with a gun. No this isn't from personal experience. My dad's best friend had a bit to drink before going out for the afternoon hunt.
Though there were many other realizations from the week. I think it will just be awhile before I head out to the deer lease again....
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
to and from nac..in 24 hours?
I don't know why, but for one reason or another, I came home Saturday night, only to return to Nac for ONE MEASY CLASS today. Once the class was done, I packed up and headed back home.
Driving 3 hours both ways...in less that 24 hours? On any other occasion, this would have been the worst mistake of my life, but it worked out. My best friend, Liz, came along for the ride.
I don't know if the drive has ever seemed any shorter or meaningful. We talked to whole time, to and from.
But it was the conversation that we had tonight that really got my brain-a-going. We were talking about random relationships...people we knew that we dating...people we knew that were married...you get my drift. We started talking about how we "could never see ourselves in a relationship right now..." Then, I asked "Is that true...or are we bitter?" After talking, we decided against the whole bitter thing (but this comes up later) and admitted to each other, and more importantly, to ourselves, that yes, we get lonely sometimes. This was us "boasting in our weaknesses," as Paul urges us to do. After a brief awkward silence, I said, "But maybe that's it...God wants us to go to Him when we are lonely, not seek for someone else..." Why had this thought JUST NOW come to my mind?
Bitterness was another topic of the night. We discussed past situations that, to our surprise, we are still a little bitter about. I admit, talking about this things was like opening an old wound that had not quite healed. After talking about it and REALLY listening to myself, I realized that I had hurt and bitterness built up from FOUR YEARS AGO towards some people. And that has hindered me, in ways I can't even imagine. But I have decided that I am tired of holding onto something I didnt even know I was still clutching. I am going to write a letter to these people.
Well this only led me to think...well who else do I need to make amends with? Who doesn't even know we are at odds?
I am glad that I am home for the next few days. I am even more stoked about going to the deer lease Thursday thru Saturday. I plan on using this time as a mini-retreat... Time for me to think...pray..listen to what God has to say...
and maybe write a few letters...
Driving 3 hours both ways...in less that 24 hours? On any other occasion, this would have been the worst mistake of my life, but it worked out. My best friend, Liz, came along for the ride.
I don't know if the drive has ever seemed any shorter or meaningful. We talked to whole time, to and from.
But it was the conversation that we had tonight that really got my brain-a-going. We were talking about random relationships...people we knew that we dating...people we knew that were married...you get my drift. We started talking about how we "could never see ourselves in a relationship right now..." Then, I asked "Is that true...or are we bitter?" After talking, we decided against the whole bitter thing (but this comes up later) and admitted to each other, and more importantly, to ourselves, that yes, we get lonely sometimes. This was us "boasting in our weaknesses," as Paul urges us to do. After a brief awkward silence, I said, "But maybe that's it...God wants us to go to Him when we are lonely, not seek for someone else..." Why had this thought JUST NOW come to my mind?
Bitterness was another topic of the night. We discussed past situations that, to our surprise, we are still a little bitter about. I admit, talking about this things was like opening an old wound that had not quite healed. After talking about it and REALLY listening to myself, I realized that I had hurt and bitterness built up from FOUR YEARS AGO towards some people. And that has hindered me, in ways I can't even imagine. But I have decided that I am tired of holding onto something I didnt even know I was still clutching. I am going to write a letter to these people.
Well this only led me to think...well who else do I need to make amends with? Who doesn't even know we are at odds?
I am glad that I am home for the next few days. I am even more stoked about going to the deer lease Thursday thru Saturday. I plan on using this time as a mini-retreat... Time for me to think...pray..listen to what God has to say...
and maybe write a few letters...
Friday, November 17, 2006
Job 11
I am pretty much camped out in Job 11 right now. So much of what is on my heart is expressed in this chapter.
verses 5 and 6 say...
Oh, how I wish that God would speak, that he would open his lips against you and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, or true wisdom has two sides.
This whole praying continually thing... I won't lie.. I suck at it. I battle pretty much everyday. Sure, I am used to talking with God on a daily basis...but going to Him about the SAME DANG THING EVERYDAY FOR WELL OVER A MONTH NOW?!?!? come on! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am getting frustrated. No need to beat around the bush, right? I am wondering WHERE THE HECK GOD IS IN ALL OF THIS... but it's good to know that someone else dealt with this too..
verses 7 thru 9 say...
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.
I absolutely LOVE that God is a mystery...I love that I can't figure Him out. Knowing that I won't ever figure God out completely, or heck, even somewhat, makes me fall in love with Him even more. I love to sit and think... question things...And no, it doesn't mean I am less of a believer because of this questioning. Because it is a result of all of this pondering that I am going to God about so many things...learning more about Him...and in turn, falling more and more in love with Him. And THAT'S what I want my life to be about...knowing that God is a mystery, but somehow, I continue to know Him more and more...
verses 5 and 6 say...
Oh, how I wish that God would speak, that he would open his lips against you and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, or true wisdom has two sides.
This whole praying continually thing... I won't lie.. I suck at it. I battle pretty much everyday. Sure, I am used to talking with God on a daily basis...but going to Him about the SAME DANG THING EVERYDAY FOR WELL OVER A MONTH NOW?!?!? come on! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am getting frustrated. No need to beat around the bush, right? I am wondering WHERE THE HECK GOD IS IN ALL OF THIS... but it's good to know that someone else dealt with this too..
verses 7 thru 9 say...
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.
I absolutely LOVE that God is a mystery...I love that I can't figure Him out. Knowing that I won't ever figure God out completely, or heck, even somewhat, makes me fall in love with Him even more. I love to sit and think... question things...And no, it doesn't mean I am less of a believer because of this questioning. Because it is a result of all of this pondering that I am going to God about so many things...learning more about Him...and in turn, falling more and more in love with Him. And THAT'S what I want my life to be about...knowing that God is a mystery, but somehow, I continue to know Him more and more...
Monday, November 13, 2006
Church bashing....err..
Why is church bashing so easy to do?
James 4:12 says "But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"
A few of us met yesterday for a conversation about the "generative community of people struggleing together in their faith journey could look like here in Nacogdoches."
I thought it went relatively well...for a bit
But somewhere along the way, it turned into church bashing...which wasn't the goal set in our minds.
Landon said it so well when he said something to the effect of "not just 'righting the wrongs' because that would be making the assumption that we are right, and everyone else is wrong." I really thought this was a brilliant statement
Because they aren't wrong. My parents attend a traditional southern Baptist church...hymns, organs, definitly no drums, the occasional fire and brimstone sermon, deacons have way too much power, suits and ties for men, dresses for the girls, etc. But my parents aren't wrong, and neither are the other people of that church. It took me a long time to come to this realization, but I am glad that I have. Because yes, people DO worship like this. I may not be able to, but there are plenty of people that do. God is active in their lives just as much as He is in mine. It's not like I am doing it the ONLY RIGHT way...
Basically, everyone has been burnt by a church at some point. But the church is made of people...humans... who screw up. It's what we do.
James 4:12 says "But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"
A few of us met yesterday for a conversation about the "generative community of people struggleing together in their faith journey could look like here in Nacogdoches."
I thought it went relatively well...for a bit
But somewhere along the way, it turned into church bashing...which wasn't the goal set in our minds.
Landon said it so well when he said something to the effect of "not just 'righting the wrongs' because that would be making the assumption that we are right, and everyone else is wrong." I really thought this was a brilliant statement
Because they aren't wrong. My parents attend a traditional southern Baptist church...hymns, organs, definitly no drums, the occasional fire and brimstone sermon, deacons have way too much power, suits and ties for men, dresses for the girls, etc. But my parents aren't wrong, and neither are the other people of that church. It took me a long time to come to this realization, but I am glad that I have. Because yes, people DO worship like this. I may not be able to, but there are plenty of people that do. God is active in their lives just as much as He is in mine. It's not like I am doing it the ONLY RIGHT way...
Basically, everyone has been burnt by a church at some point. But the church is made of people...humans... who screw up. It's what we do.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Life is better..
I did something a couple of nights ago that I have never done before...I told someone else how I feel, in all honesty. I was terrified. I was nauseous. I said a few choice words in preparation. But when it was all over and done with, I felt alot better.
The next day, I finished lcasses and headed to the park. I was supposed to meet a friend, but she ended up not being able to make it. I decided to stay and just swing. Before long, I was swinging as high as I could, looking up to the sky with a little grin on my face. There were a three bagpipe players walking around the park, continually playing Amazing Grace.
I left the park that day thinking, "This is what life is about."
God didn't intend for me to carry around burdens for weeks on end. Life is better with honesty.
God is about enjoying the sun and the clouds and the trees. Life is better when you sit and take in the nature around you.
God is about swinging as high as you can, then laying back at those high points and relaxing. Life is better when you take time to swing, and swing high.
God is glorified when we continue to reflect on His grace. Life is better when you can enjoy bagpipe players playing Amazing Grace.
This week has had its ups and downs, like any other week. But I thank God that I was able to take some time to just be with Him, reflect on what life should be like, and praise Him for all of it.
The next day, I finished lcasses and headed to the park. I was supposed to meet a friend, but she ended up not being able to make it. I decided to stay and just swing. Before long, I was swinging as high as I could, looking up to the sky with a little grin on my face. There were a three bagpipe players walking around the park, continually playing Amazing Grace.
I left the park that day thinking, "This is what life is about."
God didn't intend for me to carry around burdens for weeks on end. Life is better with honesty.
God is about enjoying the sun and the clouds and the trees. Life is better when you sit and take in the nature around you.
God is about swinging as high as you can, then laying back at those high points and relaxing. Life is better when you take time to swing, and swing high.
God is glorified when we continue to reflect on His grace. Life is better when you can enjoy bagpipe players playing Amazing Grace.
This week has had its ups and downs, like any other week. But I thank God that I was able to take some time to just be with Him, reflect on what life should be like, and praise Him for all of it.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Welcome to the Springs!
This past weekend I was fortunate enough to be a part of something new and exciting...
Joel, my former youth pastor and the man I have interned under, has felt God's call to start a new church in the Murphy/Plano area. I have been lucky enough to see it from the very super early stages. Seeing his core group meet and plan things all throughout the summer was encouraging. As block parties took place and flyers were being handed out door to door in the neighborhood, excitement built.
Meeting weekly in a home was where it all started. I admire this. I like the idea of small house churches.
This Sunday was their first "Preview Service." It met, like most church plants, in a local school. We all went up there Saturday night to set up. What I thought was going to be an "informational meeting" was actually manual labor. Chairs, screens, sound equipment, tents for the childrens area...all of it had to be set up.
As Sunday morning came, anticipation was all over. Greeters were strategically placed. The aroma of Starbucks coffee filled the air. Heck, I even got to wear a cool bright orange vest (it went with the theme...promise) for heading up the childrens worship. As families began to file in, contacts were made, smiles were given, excitement was everywhere...
And I loved every second of it... Just the idea of being part of something new...something exciting. I feel like I have learned alot just being an onlooker of Joel's amazing progress with The Springs. And I think I realized that I want to do this at some point. I want to be a part of a church plant. When? I don't know...maybe sooner rather than later???
Joel, my former youth pastor and the man I have interned under, has felt God's call to start a new church in the Murphy/Plano area. I have been lucky enough to see it from the very super early stages. Seeing his core group meet and plan things all throughout the summer was encouraging. As block parties took place and flyers were being handed out door to door in the neighborhood, excitement built.
Meeting weekly in a home was where it all started. I admire this. I like the idea of small house churches.
This Sunday was their first "Preview Service." It met, like most church plants, in a local school. We all went up there Saturday night to set up. What I thought was going to be an "informational meeting" was actually manual labor. Chairs, screens, sound equipment, tents for the childrens area...all of it had to be set up.
As Sunday morning came, anticipation was all over. Greeters were strategically placed. The aroma of Starbucks coffee filled the air. Heck, I even got to wear a cool bright orange vest (it went with the theme...promise) for heading up the childrens worship. As families began to file in, contacts were made, smiles were given, excitement was everywhere...
And I loved every second of it... Just the idea of being part of something new...something exciting. I feel like I have learned alot just being an onlooker of Joel's amazing progress with The Springs. And I think I realized that I want to do this at some point. I want to be a part of a church plant. When? I don't know...maybe sooner rather than later???
Sunday, November 05, 2006
some things never change
So I am at home, Garland, for the weekend...
And I must say, it gets weirder and weirder everytime I come home, and I am not sure why...
There's a really lame country song that says something about "you're always seventeen in your hometown..."
Could this be anymore true?
Liz and I talked about this for a long time last night. As for me and all of my friends in good ol G-town, we have all grown up, grown apart...and not that thats a bad thing, its just natural. But where it gets weird is when we all come home for a weekend and hang out. No matter how much we have changed, how our lives are different..we always revert back to the person we were a couple of years ago, during our "glory days." Those were the days when we, as a group of friends, were together at all times. We were corny, stupid, and immature.
It seems like it takes me alot longer to transition back to that. The rest of my friends can snap back so quickly, it almost creeps me out. Why can't I do that? I look back to where I was a few years ago and see someone completely different than who I am now. But because these people were such an important part of my life during that awkward time and not so much now, I feel I must revert back to that... and its really weird.
Is this what life is going to be like for the rest of my life? Getting together with a group of friends after a few years and transforming myself into who I once was. I don't know if I like that....and even worse, I don't know how to change that...
And I must say, it gets weirder and weirder everytime I come home, and I am not sure why...
There's a really lame country song that says something about "you're always seventeen in your hometown..."
Could this be anymore true?
Liz and I talked about this for a long time last night. As for me and all of my friends in good ol G-town, we have all grown up, grown apart...and not that thats a bad thing, its just natural. But where it gets weird is when we all come home for a weekend and hang out. No matter how much we have changed, how our lives are different..we always revert back to the person we were a couple of years ago, during our "glory days." Those were the days when we, as a group of friends, were together at all times. We were corny, stupid, and immature.
It seems like it takes me alot longer to transition back to that. The rest of my friends can snap back so quickly, it almost creeps me out. Why can't I do that? I look back to where I was a few years ago and see someone completely different than who I am now. But because these people were such an important part of my life during that awkward time and not so much now, I feel I must revert back to that... and its really weird.
Is this what life is going to be like for the rest of my life? Getting together with a group of friends after a few years and transforming myself into who I once was. I don't know if I like that....and even worse, I don't know how to change that...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Plans
For as long as I can remember, I have had my life planned out.
Go to college, graduate in four years, get married to prince charming shortly after, teach somewhere in dallas, have kids, live happily ever after
It seems that within the past month, all of that has been turned upside down...and oddly enough, I like it.
Though it still looks like I will graduate in four years, I am trying to figure out a way to prolong that.
And what after that?...Who knows??
I sat at the A-frame tonight talking about it with Sam...about maybe spending a couple of years teaching English in China...spending some time in Uganda....doing some type of internship for a couple of years at a BSM... go to seminary...be a Journeyman.
Basically, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do after I graduate...I don't even KNOW what I want to do...
And the scary part about all of this...I like it this way
Go to college, graduate in four years, get married to prince charming shortly after, teach somewhere in dallas, have kids, live happily ever after
It seems that within the past month, all of that has been turned upside down...and oddly enough, I like it.
Though it still looks like I will graduate in four years, I am trying to figure out a way to prolong that.
And what after that?...Who knows??
I sat at the A-frame tonight talking about it with Sam...about maybe spending a couple of years teaching English in China...spending some time in Uganda....doing some type of internship for a couple of years at a BSM... go to seminary...be a Journeyman.
Basically, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do after I graduate...I don't even KNOW what I want to do...
And the scary part about all of this...I like it this way
Saturday, October 28, 2006
Unnecessary Umbrella
Anyone that lives in Nacogdoches knows of the horrible downpour we had for a couple of days this week.
After a class one day, I walked out of the building and without eve thinking, opened up my umbrella with the assumption that it was still raining. After about ten minutes of walking, I realized that nope, it wasn't raining. How embarrassing! I shamefully put up my umbrella, hoping noone had seen me and thought I was the "special kid..."
Then I started thinking... How often do I "put up my umbrella" too quickly? How much do I protect myself from? What am I missing out on while hiding under my "umbrella?"
Considering this past weeks events and the most-horrible-day-ever that fell somewhere in there, I couldn't help but feel like I am over-protected. I had always known that my parents are pretty over-protective, but the thought had never crossed my mind that I am actually over-protective of myself. Is this how God intended it? I feel like I am missing out on somethings.
So I am making a vow...to step out... unprotected...live it up. But I won't lie, I will probably ALWAYS have my "umbrella" not far behind.
After a class one day, I walked out of the building and without eve thinking, opened up my umbrella with the assumption that it was still raining. After about ten minutes of walking, I realized that nope, it wasn't raining. How embarrassing! I shamefully put up my umbrella, hoping noone had seen me and thought I was the "special kid..."
Then I started thinking... How often do I "put up my umbrella" too quickly? How much do I protect myself from? What am I missing out on while hiding under my "umbrella?"
Considering this past weeks events and the most-horrible-day-ever that fell somewhere in there, I couldn't help but feel like I am over-protected. I had always known that my parents are pretty over-protective, but the thought had never crossed my mind that I am actually over-protective of myself. Is this how God intended it? I feel like I am missing out on somethings.
So I am making a vow...to step out... unprotected...live it up. But I won't lie, I will probably ALWAYS have my "umbrella" not far behind.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Psalm 13
Man... Alot going on...so much is on my heart..and running through my mind
I am sitting here in the library, actually getting work done (shocker...I know). I sit here all alone (another shocker) for the first time in a while. I like the stillness, the quiet, the rest. But I only enjoy these moments for a bit, because after the initial "oohh...ahhh.." feeling wears off, the mind starts going. This is where I currently stand.
The ramblings of my mind turn into prayer, asking God to take away a struggle I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. I admit, I was beginning to think God was not going to handle it. Just when this thought entered my mind, I got an immediate response.
With my Itunes on shuffle, Shane and Shane came on singing Psalm 13, which says:
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
Really? Do I really think God will hide from me forever? Is He hiding his face from me right now?
Then I keep hearing " I will wait for you..." over and over in my ears
And my prayer of questioning and selfishness turns to obedience and patience.
So I will wait on God. I have faith that He will deliver me... So I'm just waiting
I am sitting here in the library, actually getting work done (shocker...I know). I sit here all alone (another shocker) for the first time in a while. I like the stillness, the quiet, the rest. But I only enjoy these moments for a bit, because after the initial "oohh...ahhh.." feeling wears off, the mind starts going. This is where I currently stand.
The ramblings of my mind turn into prayer, asking God to take away a struggle I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. I admit, I was beginning to think God was not going to handle it. Just when this thought entered my mind, I got an immediate response.
With my Itunes on shuffle, Shane and Shane came on singing Psalm 13, which says:
1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
Really? Do I really think God will hide from me forever? Is He hiding his face from me right now?
Then I keep hearing " I will wait for you..." over and over in my ears
And my prayer of questioning and selfishness turns to obedience and patience.
So I will wait on God. I have faith that He will deliver me... So I'm just waiting
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Muslim dinner
The newly founded Muslim Student Association hosted their traditional Ramadan breaking of the fast dinner, or Iftar, last night. It was an open meeting for "anyone interested in Islam."
Me and a couple of friends decided to go. No, we had no intentions of getting in an arguing match or converting them. We simply wanted to learn more.
I was highly disappointed and broken-hearted, to say the least.
We walked in (late, which is how we roll), and I was quickly astounded by the turnout. It was about half Muslims, half Christians. I was nervous from the start.
After a traditional meal from Pakinstan (which I only had two small nibbles), the Muslims gathered in a nearby room for prayer. They allowed those of us that do not practice to observe their prayer. I stood in the doorway in shock. I had seen Muslim prayers on TV and such, but never in person. One man was in front, leading. He would say something (in Arabic of course) and everyone else would repeat. I couldn't help but question if some of the people even knew what they were saying.
Once the prayer was concluded, we went back in the original room for a question and answer time. They explained their prayers, five pillars, and many other things. Then the floor was opened for us to ask whatever was on our minds. Of course, it was all of us "Christians" that were asking questions.
I started pretty good... with simple, informative questions.Then, it seemed like it turned into an "us vs. them" rhetoric. I was so disappointed.
But then, my heart broke. The Muslims response to this attack? "We worship the same God. It is just that we call him Allah..." They even mentioned that they believe in Jesus...that He was a prophet..."
But its NOT the same God...NOT the same Jesus
One guy, a recent Muslim convert, stood up and proceded to give his testimony. He had apparently "tried the Christian thing..but it didnt work." He later went on to explain that once he converted "Islam began to fill a hole that Christianity never could.." Why? because "the fear of judgement for bad things I do keeps him from doing those bad things."
I can't imagine living in that fear... fear of where I stand with God...whether or not I have done enough good deeds to get into one of the higher levels of heaven, or get in at all.
And what do we do as Christians about all of this? We attack them.
I couldn't help but leave with my head hanging...
Me and a couple of friends decided to go. No, we had no intentions of getting in an arguing match or converting them. We simply wanted to learn more.
I was highly disappointed and broken-hearted, to say the least.
We walked in (late, which is how we roll), and I was quickly astounded by the turnout. It was about half Muslims, half Christians. I was nervous from the start.
After a traditional meal from Pakinstan (which I only had two small nibbles), the Muslims gathered in a nearby room for prayer. They allowed those of us that do not practice to observe their prayer. I stood in the doorway in shock. I had seen Muslim prayers on TV and such, but never in person. One man was in front, leading. He would say something (in Arabic of course) and everyone else would repeat. I couldn't help but question if some of the people even knew what they were saying.
Once the prayer was concluded, we went back in the original room for a question and answer time. They explained their prayers, five pillars, and many other things. Then the floor was opened for us to ask whatever was on our minds. Of course, it was all of us "Christians" that were asking questions.
I started pretty good... with simple, informative questions.Then, it seemed like it turned into an "us vs. them" rhetoric. I was so disappointed.
But then, my heart broke. The Muslims response to this attack? "We worship the same God. It is just that we call him Allah..." They even mentioned that they believe in Jesus...that He was a prophet..."
But its NOT the same God...NOT the same Jesus
One guy, a recent Muslim convert, stood up and proceded to give his testimony. He had apparently "tried the Christian thing..but it didnt work." He later went on to explain that once he converted "Islam began to fill a hole that Christianity never could.." Why? because "the fear of judgement for bad things I do keeps him from doing those bad things."
I can't imagine living in that fear... fear of where I stand with God...whether or not I have done enough good deeds to get into one of the higher levels of heaven, or get in at all.
And what do we do as Christians about all of this? We attack them.
I couldn't help but leave with my head hanging...
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
a little of this..
So I took a "spiritual types test" and this is what I got..
A Lover..
You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.
************
This is quite true, which scares me a little.
Wow.. God has done so much, just within the last 48 hours. He tore down walls within a friendship that have been in place for two years. He mended a broken relationship. He encouraged me in being joyful...
Have you ever heard of Churchrater.com? Its a website simply for rating church services....interesting.. or the EbayAtheist??
I feel like I am learning so much, and I love it
Thank goodness He knows what He's up to
A Lover..
You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.
************
This is quite true, which scares me a little.
Wow.. God has done so much, just within the last 48 hours. He tore down walls within a friendship that have been in place for two years. He mended a broken relationship. He encouraged me in being joyful...
Have you ever heard of Churchrater.com? Its a website simply for rating church services....interesting.. or the EbayAtheist??
I feel like I am learning so much, and I love it
Thank goodness He knows what He's up to
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Roller Coaster
I can not even begin to describe what this last week has been like. God has something up His sleeve...I know it.
It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.
God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.
I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?
God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.
And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?
At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...
I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.
And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...
I knew God was up to something...and He still is
It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.
God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.
I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?
God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.
And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?
At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...
I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.
And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...
I knew God was up to something...and He still is
Monday, October 09, 2006
Weekend Excursion
Whelp...went home this weekend...for my birthday was well as my mom's..
But really, I wanted to ask my parents, face-to-face, about bringing home a couple of my Chinese friends for Thanksgiving so they could experience it (for the first time), and not have to stay here in Nac. I also wanted to ask them if they had been praying about the whole missions thing, like I pleaded them to do when I met them at Focus.
Friday night comes...Though I have plans for a birthday party at 6 with some friends, I stick around to have dinner with the family, like the good ol' days. This was also going to be, what I thought, my best opportunity to lay it all out there.
First I asked about the Thanksgiving thing. I got laughed at. But I was like..ehh..okay... no big deal.. let's see what they think about the missions..
When I asked, they asked for more info, which I kindly explained was in the packet I had given them a month ago. Where was this packet? They had no idea. I started to get frustrated, but I asked, hoping for the best, "Well have you thought about it or prayed at all about it?" All I got were blank stares. I was so hurt. I thought that since this was such a big deal to me, it would be a big deal to them.
Now I know my parents don't understand missions, and much less want me going to China. But I REALLY tried to convey to them what a big deal this was to me when I met with them a month ago. I left the dinner table to go to the party in tears.
I think what I don't understand for the most part is that I really am ALOT different than my parents. And all growing up, I looked at them, wanting to be them...and now, I'm not...and I am perfectly happy with that...
I just wish they were too...
But really, I wanted to ask my parents, face-to-face, about bringing home a couple of my Chinese friends for Thanksgiving so they could experience it (for the first time), and not have to stay here in Nac. I also wanted to ask them if they had been praying about the whole missions thing, like I pleaded them to do when I met them at Focus.
Friday night comes...Though I have plans for a birthday party at 6 with some friends, I stick around to have dinner with the family, like the good ol' days. This was also going to be, what I thought, my best opportunity to lay it all out there.
First I asked about the Thanksgiving thing. I got laughed at. But I was like..ehh..okay... no big deal.. let's see what they think about the missions..
When I asked, they asked for more info, which I kindly explained was in the packet I had given them a month ago. Where was this packet? They had no idea. I started to get frustrated, but I asked, hoping for the best, "Well have you thought about it or prayed at all about it?" All I got were blank stares. I was so hurt. I thought that since this was such a big deal to me, it would be a big deal to them.
Now I know my parents don't understand missions, and much less want me going to China. But I REALLY tried to convey to them what a big deal this was to me when I met with them a month ago. I left the dinner table to go to the party in tears.
I think what I don't understand for the most part is that I really am ALOT different than my parents. And all growing up, I looked at them, wanting to be them...and now, I'm not...and I am perfectly happy with that...
I just wish they were too...
Sunday, October 08, 2006
emergent...emerging?
I think I may be starting a "Landon-like" blog...and no, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Check out this video I found. Over the past month or so, I have been doing A WHOLE LOT of research and had a lot of interest in the Emergent Church. I have had many conversations with many people about this.. This is just something I found...Let me know what you think...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
What does the future hold?
I knew the day would come when I realized that taking 20 hours along with doing an overload of everything else would be too much.
It's just too bad that that "day" has turned into several.
I had a slight breakdown today while in one of my horrendous early childhood classes (and no, these AREN'T easy classes...). I had forgotten one of the THREE assignments that were due today. That's when I opened up my planner, looked at everything I had going on, and was forced to remind myself to breathe.
And I think it really hit me...I don't want to do this. I don't want to teach for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? Now I know that those words are "of the devil," if said in the education building. And I think that even for a while, I couldn't even believe that something that I had dreamed of being my entire life, a teacher, was no longer what my heart wanted.
I first felt God's tugging on my heart a few years ago. He really pressed ministry upon my heart. But I pushed it deep down and hoped that the few people I had told, that they would forget about it.
Until last spring. God shook me around and said HELLO! And I heard Him loud and clear. But I could not imagine giving up my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.
But God knew that I wouldn't be able to give up my dream on my own...so He changed my heart. Though I still love kids, I don't really have a heart for teaching them anymore. I know that God has called me to something different..something in the church...something with young people, and I am so stoked to continue to seek out what He has planned.
So what now? It looks like I will keep persuing a degree in education...there's pretty much no turning back now. And besides...I'll need that lovely piece of paper with "Bachelors of Science" on it in order to go to seminary...
It's just too bad that that "day" has turned into several.
I had a slight breakdown today while in one of my horrendous early childhood classes (and no, these AREN'T easy classes...). I had forgotten one of the THREE assignments that were due today. That's when I opened up my planner, looked at everything I had going on, and was forced to remind myself to breathe.
And I think it really hit me...I don't want to do this. I don't want to teach for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? Now I know that those words are "of the devil," if said in the education building. And I think that even for a while, I couldn't even believe that something that I had dreamed of being my entire life, a teacher, was no longer what my heart wanted.
I first felt God's tugging on my heart a few years ago. He really pressed ministry upon my heart. But I pushed it deep down and hoped that the few people I had told, that they would forget about it.
Until last spring. God shook me around and said HELLO! And I heard Him loud and clear. But I could not imagine giving up my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.
But God knew that I wouldn't be able to give up my dream on my own...so He changed my heart. Though I still love kids, I don't really have a heart for teaching them anymore. I know that God has called me to something different..something in the church...something with young people, and I am so stoked to continue to seek out what He has planned.
So what now? It looks like I will keep persuing a degree in education...there's pretty much no turning back now. And besides...I'll need that lovely piece of paper with "Bachelors of Science" on it in order to go to seminary...
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The thought for the day... as found on google..
Perhaps nature is our best assurance of immortality.--Eleanor Roosevelt
Everything in nature contributes to something else--like the hundred-year-old tree that stood tall until a wind storm. The protection it gave to thousands of birds and squirrels it now gives to insects and fungi. As it slowly decays, it nourishes the ground, and from the enriched soil grow several other trees. We human beings are part of this eternal cycle, our ideas and actions enriching those around us and influencing generations yet to come. Being part of this vast plan gives us comfort, and faith that everything that happens is meant to be. Our hearts fill with joy with the knowledge that we are needed; just as every tree is needed.
Perhaps nature is our best assurance of immortality.--Eleanor Roosevelt
Everything in nature contributes to something else--like the hundred-year-old tree that stood tall until a wind storm. The protection it gave to thousands of birds and squirrels it now gives to insects and fungi. As it slowly decays, it nourishes the ground, and from the enriched soil grow several other trees. We human beings are part of this eternal cycle, our ideas and actions enriching those around us and influencing generations yet to come. Being part of this vast plan gives us comfort, and faith that everything that happens is meant to be. Our hearts fill with joy with the knowledge that we are needed; just as every tree is needed.
How do I fit into nature's plan today?
Well that's quite a heavy question if I don't say so myself.
I rode around the streets of Nac tonight with two of my very best friends, reminiscing about good times. The "remember whens" flooded the conversations.
And I realized.. HOLY COW..I really have changed alot! But I think its a good thing..no..I KNOW its a good thing.
It's a good thing that two years ago, I had relationships that I don't have no. Same goes with now..its a good thing that I have some relationships now that I didn't have two years ago.
I've screwed up, I'll admit. And I can garuantee that I will screw up again..and again. But I know that its "all in natures plan.." which in my mind, means God's up to something, which I am all for
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
accountability
I have been thinking alot lately...about alot of things...
I sat down with two very close friends last night and broke some barriers with them. As the three of us sat together last night, doing our usual "studying," the subject of accountability came up. One of them asked how come, even though we are amazingly close friends, we still can not seem to be 100 percent honest with one another about our struggles and our weaknesses.
The way my response easily rolled off my tongue scared me a little in afterthought. I quickly replied, "Because we are girls and we are evil. We think no matter who the other girl is, we are in competition with them."
Scary...but true.
Even if I trust someone immensely, I still feel incredibly threatened when accountability comes up. Because accountability requires honesty. And honesty requires trust.
But do I have any?
I said that some barriers were broken...and they were. After we agreed on the fact that this, though a true statement, was a stupid and petty one, I posed the question, "So what IS your biggest struggle or weakness right now?"
Silence overcame all of us. We avoided eye contact for what seemed like hours.
After some awkard giggles, one of us started...and each one of us followed.
It was incredible to be able to boast in my weaknesses, just as Christ says to do. Before we left, we decided that we would pray for each other. We each expressed one way that the others could pray for us throughout the week.
It truly was an incredible night. I left feeling humbled, uplifted, and encouraged. I had two other people that knew my struggles and I knew theirs. I knew I could be honest with them just like they could be honest with me.
Why did it take me so long to get to this point?
I sat down with two very close friends last night and broke some barriers with them. As the three of us sat together last night, doing our usual "studying," the subject of accountability came up. One of them asked how come, even though we are amazingly close friends, we still can not seem to be 100 percent honest with one another about our struggles and our weaknesses.
The way my response easily rolled off my tongue scared me a little in afterthought. I quickly replied, "Because we are girls and we are evil. We think no matter who the other girl is, we are in competition with them."
Scary...but true.
Even if I trust someone immensely, I still feel incredibly threatened when accountability comes up. Because accountability requires honesty. And honesty requires trust.
But do I have any?
I said that some barriers were broken...and they were. After we agreed on the fact that this, though a true statement, was a stupid and petty one, I posed the question, "So what IS your biggest struggle or weakness right now?"
Silence overcame all of us. We avoided eye contact for what seemed like hours.
After some awkard giggles, one of us started...and each one of us followed.
It was incredible to be able to boast in my weaknesses, just as Christ says to do. Before we left, we decided that we would pray for each other. We each expressed one way that the others could pray for us throughout the week.
It truly was an incredible night. I left feeling humbled, uplifted, and encouraged. I had two other people that knew my struggles and I knew theirs. I knew I could be honest with them just like they could be honest with me.
Why did it take me so long to get to this point?
Saturday, September 23, 2006
International affair
God is good.. as if thats not apparent..
A few weeks ago, I came to a Thursday night at the BSM with a "holy expectation." Chris and Katie and I had been talking earlier that day about what having a "holy expectation" means... and how we when we come to worship expecting to meet with God, not only will we meet with Him, but He will surpass any expectation we have.
That night, as I stood in the back during the first worship set, I saw five Chinese guys walk in. Seeing as the BSM is 99.99% percent white, I won't lie, they stood out. I went over and introduced myself and invited them to have a seat with me.
Luo, the leader of the pack, sat beside me, and while Chris was on stage giving his spill about something that I am sure pertained to Jesus, Luo leaned over and asked if we had a small group for non-believers. He went on to explain that he was a believer, but the other four guys aren't...this started an amazing relationship...
These five guys, Luo, Raymond, Jayson, Henry, and Bill, have come to the BSM pretty much everytime its open. They have brought some other friends with them, like Lily, Lemon, Lee, Cee Cee, and on occasion, Suoy.
I have developed and incredible friendship with everyone of these people. They are all international students, having only been here since a couple of days before classes started. Through their broken English and some hardcore patience, I have had some of the most amazing conversations with these new friends.
I dont know if I have ever met anyone that was seeking as much as a couple of them are.
Every time I see them, everything else that I am stressed about goes away. We have our inside jokes. They are a sassy and hilarious group of people. God has given me such a heart for these people. I love sitting with them, discussing Chinese culture and hearing how they were brought up. Lily even gave me a Chinese name, Ya Ya...
These new friends of mine warm my heart. Not a day goes by that I dont think about them and stop to pray for them. I pray that God would reveal Himself to them in a way that they cannot deny. I also pray that they would see Christ through me, as well as all the other amazing people that have befriended them.
So next time you see a big group of Chinese international students, stop and say "hey!" And ask Jayson when the last time he had a hamburger was!
A few weeks ago, I came to a Thursday night at the BSM with a "holy expectation." Chris and Katie and I had been talking earlier that day about what having a "holy expectation" means... and how we when we come to worship expecting to meet with God, not only will we meet with Him, but He will surpass any expectation we have.
That night, as I stood in the back during the first worship set, I saw five Chinese guys walk in. Seeing as the BSM is 99.99% percent white, I won't lie, they stood out. I went over and introduced myself and invited them to have a seat with me.
Luo, the leader of the pack, sat beside me, and while Chris was on stage giving his spill about something that I am sure pertained to Jesus, Luo leaned over and asked if we had a small group for non-believers. He went on to explain that he was a believer, but the other four guys aren't...this started an amazing relationship...
These five guys, Luo, Raymond, Jayson, Henry, and Bill, have come to the BSM pretty much everytime its open. They have brought some other friends with them, like Lily, Lemon, Lee, Cee Cee, and on occasion, Suoy.
I have developed and incredible friendship with everyone of these people. They are all international students, having only been here since a couple of days before classes started. Through their broken English and some hardcore patience, I have had some of the most amazing conversations with these new friends.
I dont know if I have ever met anyone that was seeking as much as a couple of them are.
Every time I see them, everything else that I am stressed about goes away. We have our inside jokes. They are a sassy and hilarious group of people. God has given me such a heart for these people. I love sitting with them, discussing Chinese culture and hearing how they were brought up. Lily even gave me a Chinese name, Ya Ya...
These new friends of mine warm my heart. Not a day goes by that I dont think about them and stop to pray for them. I pray that God would reveal Himself to them in a way that they cannot deny. I also pray that they would see Christ through me, as well as all the other amazing people that have befriended them.
So next time you see a big group of Chinese international students, stop and say "hey!" And ask Jayson when the last time he had a hamburger was!
Missions
God is up to something... I am just not sure what.. and this not knowing is killing me!
So many people know that I am praying about where God would have me spend the next year of my life... and I hate saying "I dont know" when people ask about it...
Could I spend next semester in Niger teaching 2 MK?
Could I spend the summer in East Asia doing a cultural exchange with other college students?
Could I spend the fall semester in Asia teaching 3 MK?
Who knows what God has in store?!?!
So many people know that I am praying about where God would have me spend the next year of my life... and I hate saying "I dont know" when people ask about it...
Could I spend next semester in Niger teaching 2 MK?
Could I spend the summer in East Asia doing a cultural exchange with other college students?
Could I spend the fall semester in Asia teaching 3 MK?
Who knows what God has in store?!?!
Friday, September 22, 2006
So we are into the fourth week of school, yet I feel like I have been here a whole semester already...
This semester is like none other...thats for dang sure! When people ask how I am doing, I give my normal answer of, "Busy...!"
I was talking to a friend the other day. I had not talked to her in a few days, and she was just asking how things were going and such. I told her that, naturally, I have been insanely busy. I also shared with her with God has impressed upon me over the past few weeks....
When I wake up each morning, I open my beloved planner and look at what the day holds for me. And almost every morning, I let out a loud moan, mumble some corny phrases that are minor substitutes for some other "choice words," and have a minor anxiety attack about all that needs to be accomplished that day. Every night, as I am preparing for bed, I open my planner back up, crossing out what was accomplished, highlighting what wasn't, and look at what the next day has in store. This, too, leads to a minor anxiety attack.
But what's interesting is what occurs during the gap between those two points of my day. Now before, I would be consistent in the freaking out about what needs to be done. Stress was ever present all throughout the day...but that was before. I told my friend the other day that I am stuck somewhere between being completely overwhelmed and completely content. What an odd place to be stuck, right? But it's true. I look at my planner at those two crucial parts of my day, thinking, "How the heck am I going to do all of this?" But what is different, and slightly odd even, is that during the day, while I am actually carrying out all that needs to be done, I am not stressed or freaking out.
But why? I believe I have finally learned how to give it (my schedule) over to God. And all it took was a random comment made by an old friend. See, after not talking to him for months, he had asked how I was doing. Like usual, I said "busy!" to which he replied, "Ever since I have known you, (for 8 years now) you have always been busy!" How true is that?! Going back to the friend mentioned earlier, she asked me the other day "You like being busy, don't you?" I had to think about it. Maybe it is just that I do not know any other way...
But God is showing me how to let my schedule be about him, and not me...
I definitly don't get enough sleep, but I awake each morning feeling refreshed and ready to go. I don't spend enough time with my friends as I would like, but God has granted me friends that are understanding to all that I am doing. I don't get to spend enough alone time with Him as I would like, so He meets with me between classes, while walking on campus. I don't get to go home as often as I hoped to, but my family understands (for the most part).
If that's not God, I don't know what is
This semester is like none other...thats for dang sure! When people ask how I am doing, I give my normal answer of, "Busy...!"
I was talking to a friend the other day. I had not talked to her in a few days, and she was just asking how things were going and such. I told her that, naturally, I have been insanely busy. I also shared with her with God has impressed upon me over the past few weeks....
When I wake up each morning, I open my beloved planner and look at what the day holds for me. And almost every morning, I let out a loud moan, mumble some corny phrases that are minor substitutes for some other "choice words," and have a minor anxiety attack about all that needs to be accomplished that day. Every night, as I am preparing for bed, I open my planner back up, crossing out what was accomplished, highlighting what wasn't, and look at what the next day has in store. This, too, leads to a minor anxiety attack.
But what's interesting is what occurs during the gap between those two points of my day. Now before, I would be consistent in the freaking out about what needs to be done. Stress was ever present all throughout the day...but that was before. I told my friend the other day that I am stuck somewhere between being completely overwhelmed and completely content. What an odd place to be stuck, right? But it's true. I look at my planner at those two crucial parts of my day, thinking, "How the heck am I going to do all of this?" But what is different, and slightly odd even, is that during the day, while I am actually carrying out all that needs to be done, I am not stressed or freaking out.
But why? I believe I have finally learned how to give it (my schedule) over to God. And all it took was a random comment made by an old friend. See, after not talking to him for months, he had asked how I was doing. Like usual, I said "busy!" to which he replied, "Ever since I have known you, (for 8 years now) you have always been busy!" How true is that?! Going back to the friend mentioned earlier, she asked me the other day "You like being busy, don't you?" I had to think about it. Maybe it is just that I do not know any other way...
But God is showing me how to let my schedule be about him, and not me...
I definitly don't get enough sleep, but I awake each morning feeling refreshed and ready to go. I don't spend enough time with my friends as I would like, but God has granted me friends that are understanding to all that I am doing. I don't get to spend enough alone time with Him as I would like, so He meets with me between classes, while walking on campus. I don't get to go home as often as I hoped to, but my family understands (for the most part).
If that's not God, I don't know what is
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