Discouraged.

I feel very discouraged lately.

This whole student teaching thing is no fun. I don't like it at all. Have I possibly picked the wrong profession? Do I even WANT a profession?

And that leads me to my next issue... I graduate in a little over a hundred days and then what??? I SURE AS HECK do NOT want to teach..at least not 4th grade math! I really don't wanna get stuck in a duldrum, which I definitly fear.

And this whole ministry thing....Katy brought up a good point.. what IS ministry? This question matched the one that has been plaguing my mind...what is MY ministry?!?! I think it is fair to say that the bible study Radtke and I had going last semester didnt turn out as planned. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to not continue our Bible study. So I feel discouraged, thinking "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" But what a lame thing to have running through my head. Ministry isn't about a set time and place..it's a lifestyle, right?

But my lifestyle right now mirrors that of a 40 year old. I get up at 6:30, grab a lunch for the day, then head to school, where I teach all day (and don't get paid.) I then come home, get stuff ready for the next day, watch TV with my roommate for a bit, then head to bed around 9:30. How cool is that?

In other news...interracial speed dating on campus next Monday... haha

Life is crazy...ain't it?

I spent a good portion of tonight looking back and reading some previous blogs...what a super cool way to spend a Friday night, right? But I am glad I did. I was able to re-live some of the ups and downs that I seemed to have forgotten over the past couple of years.



Sean and I met tonight for our weekly Catalyst talk. We didn't talk about the material for long before we started talking about whatever was on our hearts. Next thing I knew, we had been there for almost two hours and we were joking about what the other person was like 3 or 4 years ago.



It's CRAZY to actually look back at who you were back then...to see your high points, and once again, grimmace at your low points. I was able to see where God has taken me, which was amazing. It is truly reaffirming to realize, "Oh yeah. God really DOES have a hand in this."



It's like what Sammons was saying last night at Crave (which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me...) He said that if you look in a concordance for "God's will," you pretty much find three things. One is God's providential will, another is God's moral will, and the last is his personal will.

Basically, if you are looking for God's personal will in your life, you should focus on the other two, and the personal part will fall into place. I heard that and it was like BAM! IN THE FACE! Here I am, freaking out about what's gonna happen when May comes. It seems that every prayer has something to do with what the heck God wants me to do with my life. But now I realize that if I will focus on the providential and moral will of God, His personal will for my life will be made known.....nice....

How can you not fall in love with this little girl? I think about her numerous times a day.

I spoke last Thursday to the BSM about my time in Transnistria. I showed them pictures, gave a run-down of our trip, and told the story of this little girl. Unexpectedly, I broke down and start to cry, as I relived that precious hour.

We went to an orphange for children from birth up to about six years old. This was, by far, our favorite orphange. I know that sounds bad, but this was the only orphange that we were able to really sit down and play with the kids, one on one. We basically went from room to room, spending a fair amount of time in each classroom, interacting with the kids.

We made it to the room for 1-2 year olds, where I saw this little girl. She looked up at me with those big eyes, and I pretty much melted. I knelt down to get at her level and she immediately opened her arms and clung to me. I picked her up and played with her for a bit. Her laugh was indescribable and still rings in my ears. After we "danced" for awhile, I noticed the director talking to Vladimir, our translator, about the little girl I was holding. Vladimir turned to me and explained that this adorable little girl had been abandoned as an infant at a local construction site. Her mother, an AIDS victim, left all of her papers with her, and is now on the run from the police.

I lost it. What did this little girl do to deserve this? Chances are, her entire childhood will be spent shuffling from one orphange to another. I was there, had a good time with this little girl, but the time came that I had to put her down and leave, knowing that there is not much I can do to change her life...and thats a hard thing to realize.

This is the part I hate about "mission trips" ... the coming back to reality. I am still kind of processing my time in Transnistria. But as the days have gone on, I am more ready and willing to share pictures, tell stories. But I have found that that's hard. I should have known that, after coming to this realization after Minneapolis. I understand, people have other things to do...this is the time that I REALLY miss my team. They would understand every bit of every story. I have sent them a few texts and facebook messages, telling them that I miss them and I wish we were back in Tiraspol.

That's another hard part. Iwould love to look back and give a report or pinpoint something and say, "This is what we did...those kids have a better life now." But they are still orphans, living an institutionalized, orphan life. Sure, we provided a good time for them for an hour or so, but are their lives any different? I guess I will never know. And I am sure that is how is supposed to be. And don't harp on me about how "it's not about what YOU do..its about what God did..." I am well aware of that. But I don't know that either!

I have been talking to Anna, one of our translators, a lot since we got back. Her regular job, besides being a translator, is to be an advocate, or social worker, for children in the orphanages. I am absolutely FASCINATED by her job. In fact, I told her that I would love to come back and simply shadow her on a daily basis. She was telling me just two days ago about a family that wishes to adopt. That gives me some form of hope for those kids. I know the family coming forward to adopt has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us being there, but it's good to know that starting soon, one of those kids will have a better life.

A lot of people are asking, "How was your trip?" I understand this, but it's hard. I think I have subconsciously been avoiding actually processing my time in Transnistria. I had an amazing time while in Tiraspol, but it was so very hard.

I would have loved to say that Transnistria is changed because of us. But that would be a bit of a fairy-tale. We came, we left, and Transnistria is still the same. It is still a sad, corrupt country. Many people are still lacking hope. It is hard to put a child down after you have cradled her, and you know that there is nothing you can do to change her situation.

When I have actually thought about this more, I will post again.