Plans

For as long as I can remember, I have had my life planned out.

Go to college, graduate in four years, get married to prince charming shortly after, teach somewhere in dallas, have kids, live happily ever after

It seems that within the past month, all of that has been turned upside down...and oddly enough, I like it.

Though it still looks like I will graduate in four years, I am trying to figure out a way to prolong that.

And what after that?...Who knows??

I sat at the A-frame tonight talking about it with Sam...about maybe spending a couple of years teaching English in China...spending some time in Uganda....doing some type of internship for a couple of years at a BSM... go to seminary...be a Journeyman.

Basically, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do after I graduate...I don't even KNOW what I want to do...

And the scary part about all of this...I like it this way

Unnecessary Umbrella

Anyone that lives in Nacogdoches knows of the horrible downpour we had for a couple of days this week.

After a class one day, I walked out of the building and without eve thinking, opened up my umbrella with the assumption that it was still raining. After about ten minutes of walking, I realized that nope, it wasn't raining. How embarrassing! I shamefully put up my umbrella, hoping noone had seen me and thought I was the "special kid..."

Then I started thinking... How often do I "put up my umbrella" too quickly? How much do I protect myself from? What am I missing out on while hiding under my "umbrella?"

Considering this past weeks events and the most-horrible-day-ever that fell somewhere in there, I couldn't help but feel like I am over-protected. I had always known that my parents are pretty over-protective, but the thought had never crossed my mind that I am actually over-protective of myself. Is this how God intended it? I feel like I am missing out on somethings.

So I am making a vow...to step out... unprotected...live it up. But I won't lie, I will probably ALWAYS have my "umbrella" not far behind.

Psalm 13

Man... Alot going on...so much is on my heart..and running through my mind

I am sitting here in the library, actually getting work done (shocker...I know). I sit here all alone (another shocker) for the first time in a while. I like the stillness, the quiet, the rest. But I only enjoy these moments for a bit, because after the initial "oohh...ahhh.." feeling wears off, the mind starts going. This is where I currently stand.

The ramblings of my mind turn into prayer, asking God to take away a struggle I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. I admit, I was beginning to think God was not going to handle it. Just when this thought entered my mind, I got an immediate response.

With my Itunes on shuffle, Shane and Shane came on singing Psalm 13, which says:

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.


Really? Do I really think God will hide from me forever? Is He hiding his face from me right now?

Then I keep hearing " I will wait for you..." over and over in my ears

And my prayer of questioning and selfishness turns to obedience and patience.

So I will wait on God. I have faith that He will deliver me... So I'm just waiting

Muslim dinner

The newly founded Muslim Student Association hosted their traditional Ramadan breaking of the fast dinner, or Iftar, last night. It was an open meeting for "anyone interested in Islam."

Me and a couple of friends decided to go. No, we had no intentions of getting in an arguing match or converting them. We simply wanted to learn more.

I was highly disappointed and broken-hearted, to say the least.

We walked in (late, which is how we roll), and I was quickly astounded by the turnout. It was about half Muslims, half Christians. I was nervous from the start.

After a traditional meal from Pakinstan (which I only had two small nibbles), the Muslims gathered in a nearby room for prayer. They allowed those of us that do not practice to observe their prayer. I stood in the doorway in shock. I had seen Muslim prayers on TV and such, but never in person. One man was in front, leading. He would say something (in Arabic of course) and everyone else would repeat. I couldn't help but question if some of the people even knew what they were saying.

Once the prayer was concluded, we went back in the original room for a question and answer time. They explained their prayers, five pillars, and many other things. Then the floor was opened for us to ask whatever was on our minds. Of course, it was all of us "Christians" that were asking questions.

I started pretty good... with simple, informative questions.Then, it seemed like it turned into an "us vs. them" rhetoric. I was so disappointed.

But then, my heart broke. The Muslims response to this attack? "We worship the same God. It is just that we call him Allah..." They even mentioned that they believe in Jesus...that He was a prophet..."

But its NOT the same God...NOT the same Jesus

One guy, a recent Muslim convert, stood up and proceded to give his testimony. He had apparently "tried the Christian thing..but it didnt work." He later went on to explain that once he converted "Islam began to fill a hole that Christianity never could.." Why? because "the fear of judgement for bad things I do keeps him from doing those bad things."

I can't imagine living in that fear... fear of where I stand with God...whether or not I have done enough good deeds to get into one of the higher levels of heaven, or get in at all.

And what do we do as Christians about all of this? We attack them.

I couldn't help but leave with my head hanging...

a little of this..

So I took a "spiritual types test" and this is what I got..

A Lover..

You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.



************

This is quite true, which scares me a little.


Wow.. God has done so much, just within the last 48 hours. He tore down walls within a friendship that have been in place for two years. He mended a broken relationship. He encouraged me in being joyful...

Have you ever heard of Churchrater.com? Its a website simply for rating church services....interesting.. or the EbayAtheist??

I feel like I am learning so much, and I love it

Thank goodness He knows what He's up to

Roller Coaster

I can not even begin to describe what this last week has been like. God has something up His sleeve...I know it.

It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.

God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.

I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?

God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.

And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?

At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...

I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.

And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...

I knew God was up to something...and He still is

Weekend Excursion

Whelp...went home this weekend...for my birthday was well as my mom's..

But really, I wanted to ask my parents, face-to-face, about bringing home a couple of my Chinese friends for Thanksgiving so they could experience it (for the first time), and not have to stay here in Nac. I also wanted to ask them if they had been praying about the whole missions thing, like I pleaded them to do when I met them at Focus.

Friday night comes...Though I have plans for a birthday party at 6 with some friends, I stick around to have dinner with the family, like the good ol' days. This was also going to be, what I thought, my best opportunity to lay it all out there.

First I asked about the Thanksgiving thing. I got laughed at. But I was like..ehh..okay... no big deal.. let's see what they think about the missions..

When I asked, they asked for more info, which I kindly explained was in the packet I had given them a month ago. Where was this packet? They had no idea. I started to get frustrated, but I asked, hoping for the best, "Well have you thought about it or prayed at all about it?" All I got were blank stares. I was so hurt. I thought that since this was such a big deal to me, it would be a big deal to them.

Now I know my parents don't understand missions, and much less want me going to China. But I REALLY tried to convey to them what a big deal this was to me when I met with them a month ago. I left the dinner table to go to the party in tears.

I think what I don't understand for the most part is that I really am ALOT different than my parents. And all growing up, I looked at them, wanting to be them...and now, I'm not...and I am perfectly happy with that...

I just wish they were too...

emergent...emerging?

I think I may be starting a "Landon-like" blog...and no, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Check out this video I found. Over the past month or so, I have been doing A WHOLE LOT of research and had a lot of interest in the Emergent Church. I have had many conversations with many people about this.. This is just something I found...Let me know what you think...

What does the future hold?

I knew the day would come when I realized that taking 20 hours along with doing an overload of everything else would be too much.

It's just too bad that that "day" has turned into several.

I had a slight breakdown today while in one of my horrendous early childhood classes (and no, these AREN'T easy classes...). I had forgotten one of the THREE assignments that were due today. That's when I opened up my planner, looked at everything I had going on, and was forced to remind myself to breathe.

And I think it really hit me...I don't want to do this. I don't want to teach for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? Now I know that those words are "of the devil," if said in the education building. And I think that even for a while, I couldn't even believe that something that I had dreamed of being my entire life, a teacher, was no longer what my heart wanted.

I first felt God's tugging on my heart a few years ago. He really pressed ministry upon my heart. But I pushed it deep down and hoped that the few people I had told, that they would forget about it.

Until last spring. God shook me around and said HELLO! And I heard Him loud and clear. But I could not imagine giving up my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.

But God knew that I wouldn't be able to give up my dream on my own...so He changed my heart. Though I still love kids, I don't really have a heart for teaching them anymore. I know that God has called me to something different..something in the church...something with young people, and I am so stoked to continue to seek out what He has planned.

So what now? It looks like I will keep persuing a degree in education...there's pretty much no turning back now. And besides...I'll need that lovely piece of paper with "Bachelors of Science" on it in order to go to seminary...

The thought for the day... as found on google..

Perhaps nature is our best assurance of immortality.--Eleanor Roosevelt

Everything in nature contributes to something else--like the hundred-year-old tree that stood tall until a wind storm. The protection it gave to thousands of birds and squirrels it now gives to insects and fungi. As it slowly decays, it nourishes the ground, and from the enriched soil grow several other trees. We human beings are part of this eternal cycle, our ideas and actions enriching those around us and influencing generations yet to come. Being part of this vast plan gives us comfort, and faith that everything that happens is meant to be. Our hearts fill with joy with the knowledge that we are needed; just as every tree is needed.

How do I fit into nature's plan today?

Well that's quite a heavy question if I don't say so myself.

I rode around the streets of Nac tonight with two of my very best friends, reminiscing about good times. The "remember whens" flooded the conversations.

And I realized.. HOLY COW..I really have changed alot! But I think its a good thing..no..I KNOW its a good thing.

It's a good thing that two years ago, I had relationships that I don't have no. Same goes with now..its a good thing that I have some relationships now that I didn't have two years ago.

I've screwed up, I'll admit. And I can garuantee that I will screw up again..and again. But I know that its "all in natures plan.." which in my mind, means God's up to something, which I am all for