Simplified Missional Living

* Eat with non-Christians
* Walk, don't drive ,around your neighborhood when possible.
* Be a "regular" at your local coffee shop, restaurant, market, hair cut, etc
* Hobby with non-Christians - find extra curriculars that you enjoy that you can do with all kinds of people
* Develop relationships with your co-workers and pray for them
* Volunteer with a non-profit once a month, and bring your family, friends and small group too!
* Instead of watching TV or playing XBOX, participate in city events, get in the mix
* Serve your neighbors - like weeding and fixing their cars.

Above all, strike-up conversations, be friendly, say "hi, my name's BLANK. What's your name?"

-- this was posted on the Catalyst blog...after they took it from the Resurgence blog

A blog I read, Straight Up, posted something I liked the other day... thought I'd share.

I Want the Whole Gospel

Every single ounce of truth; give it to me straight just like it is in the Bible.

I want the whole gospel:
Don’t dilute the living water—it might not quench my thirsty soul.

I want the whole gospel:
Turn on the light of Jesus Christ and don’t shield my view—I need every beam of His radiant glory to dispel the darkness in me.

I want the whole gospel:
Don’t block the door, or I might not get through.

I want the whole gospel:
I need an accurate map to the narrow road, because only a few are finding it.

I want the whole gospel:
Because I am wholly lost, God’s verdict is wholly just, and my damnation is wholly certain.
My heart is wholly depraved and my sin is wholly mine.
My efforts are wholly futile and my escapes are wholly hopeless.
I need a whole Savior, whose whole suffering, wholly satisfies a holy God.

Please, please don’t cut the corners. It’s appointed unto man once to die and I have to be sure I get it right.

I have to have the whole gospel—give it to me straight. Nothing else will do!

Yes…God help us, let’s give the whole gospel.

mothers day survey

I really love it when my mom scratches my back or plays with my hair.

My mom likes to make others feel loved.

My mom always tells me, "I'm proud of you and I love you very much!"

The best thing she does is listens to me when I am having a bad day.

It makes her happy when she and I get to hang out... like shop, or get Starbucks...whatever

My mom loves to relax by watching weird TV shows :)

I like it when I am home and she wakes me up by coming and sitting on my bed and rubbing my back

The best thing she cooks is green chile enchiladas, chicken tortilla soup,

When my mom shops she likes to buy shoes!!!!

My mom’s favorite household chore is cleaning the bathroom (it's not really her fave...but it's the one she is most anal about!)

My mom’s favorite TV show is Ghost Whisperer....

If she could go on a trip, she would go to the beach!

I love my mom because she is always there for me... shes the best mom ever!

Thankful Thursday

I skipped Thankful Thursday last week... I doubt you missed it that much too much

But no worries...I'm back now.

This Thursday, I would like to highlight to awesome guys that I am eternally thankful for. Jeremy McMahan and Joel Halpin. I am constantly reminded by people at my home church (SGBC) how lucky I am to have had these two men invest so much in me (and others) during the critical times of my teenage years.


Jeremy was there as I wrestled with the idea of handing my life over to Christ and letting Him be the Lord of my life. He helped me realize my need for the grace of Christ as I decided to accept the amazing gift He offered. He and his wife, Catherine, truly poured all of their lives into me and my friends. He encouraged me through some pretty dark times in my life. I am so very thankful for Jeremy.






Joel came to SGBC during my senior year in high school. I was actually on the search committee that brought him in! I am VERY thankful for the role that Joel has played in my life. Though I was only a part of his youth group for a year, it was a very critical year in my life. I had some big decisions to make, and he gave me wisdom and guidance during those periods. Even after I graduated and went off to school, he continued to play a large role in my spiritual life. I would call or email him with random questions, knowing that he wouldn't think I was stupid or silly, no matter how far out the question was. (This idea turned out to be false...as he laughed at my question about the Garden of Eden last summer!! ) I came back to SGBC as Joel's youth intern. He gave me my first opportunity to work in ministry. It was a tough summer, to say the least, but he guided and encouraged me. He was even a good sport when I decorated his office in pink! With Joel, there was Erica, which was an added bonus! By having them in my life, I have seen what a Godly marriage looks like, how to raise children in a Christ-centered (and super fun) way, and how to let your life be a ministry.

Bottom line, I am so very lucky to have been discipled by these two guys and I am extremely thankful for all the ways they have poured into me.

A weekend in Nac

It was my first time to go back to Nac after the not-so-fun weekend I had right after graduation. I was pretty apprehensive about it. I knew I would have a good time. It was Maribeth's birthday and there was a surprise party going on, which I was sure would be fun. I would get the chance to see some friends that I hadn't seen in a pretty long time, and I was pretty stoked about that. But there were also a few things I was extremely apprehensive about...

...So much so that I would start thinking about it...over-analyzing it... and my chest would get extremely tight, so much so that it was difficult to breathe. I would sweat profusely. It was an all-around unpleasant experience.

There was one specific person that I was particularly anxious about crossing paths with. I had prepared myself for the fated reunion...well, I thought I did. When they didn't show up, I was oddly let down.

As I left Nacogdoches on Sunday, I did a lot of thinking. Nac wasn't the same as when I graduated. So much as changed, and not just the landmarks. The people are different. I'm definitely different (which I am extremely thankful for). But for some weird reason, I had a short breakdown. I knew that Nac would never be the same. Even just going back is kind of bittersweet. It reminds me of so many good memories, but also of many not-so-good ones. (Maybe because the last year seemed to be filled with more not-so-good ones).

Either way, I'm glad I went to Nac, but glad that I waited so long to return.

I wonder

One of the blogs I follow, Ragamuffin Soul posted something amazing the other day...and I thought I'd share

I wonder.
I wonder how many people, if we actually asked them, keep coming back to our churches because of our stellar Sunday productions.
I wonder if we ask the right people.
I wonder if we stopped, for a while, if people would keep coming.
I wonder if we turned off the lights and pulled the band if more people would come or go.
I wonder if we flipped the teaching time and music time, if it would matter.
I wonder if first time visitors are more concerned with what happens outside the auditorium than what happens inside it.
I wonder if the things we’ve rebelled against are the exact things we’ve become.
I wonder if church buildings will ever be used more than 2% a week.
I wonder if there has been more energy put into our Easter weekend services than our neighbors on the left and right.

I wonder with all the talk of social justice, why those friends keep walking by homeless people without even a smile.
I wonder when we will stop arguing about how to run the church and begin to start running our families.
I wonder how disrespected my dad feels by my generation of preachers saying his way is the wrong way.
I wonder how disrespected my generation of preachers will feel when our kids say our way is the wrong way.
I wonder when chenis envy will be replaced with prayer for others to succeed.
I wonder if churches without buildings will ever realize how good they have it.
I wonder when church planting became an industry.
I wonder if we know that our opinions are just that, opinions.
I wonder if those who say my church is an inch deep and a mile wide know that they would actually drown in the inch we provide.

Thankful Thursday (a day late)

I know I am over a day late from posting my Thankful Thursday post of the week...but better late than never, right??

I am so thankful for my church, FBC Sulphur Springs. It is definitely the biggest church I have been a part of. And the first two weeks were not ideal (noone spoke to me...not in SS or in worship). But I tried one more week, and have loved it ever since. I have gotten connected with some amazing families, which I will be eternally thankful for. FBC SS is a big family-oriented church. And when you don't have a family to sit with in worship, it can get kinda awkward, but there are some families that always look out for me and invite me to just jump on in with their family.

And then today, I was so encouraged. I heard that some people from church were roofing a house, so I jumped on board with it. We got out there this afternoon, and there were men and women who had TAKEN OFF WORK to VOLUNTEER to take down and put up a roof for a guy that really needs it. It was incredible.

So all in all..I am thankful for my church.

While I'm Waiting....

So the last month has brought some uncertainty as far as my future goes. I found out a couple of weeks ago that the state convention has cut it's budget and though my original plan was to stay in Commerce for another year, I am basically out of a job at the end of May.

Dang it.

And I felt like I was finally getting in the groove of things. I was finally comfortable. And God just yanks the rug right out from under me.

There are a couple of options...

1. We have sent out support letters, with the hope of raising financial support so I can stick around another year.

2. I have my teaching certificate and have started applying for teaching jobs. I am applying in the Dallas area, but also around the Commerce/Sulphur Springs area. In a perfect world (that involves teaching), I would love to stay around here. I LOVE the people I have met here. I would really miss one-on-one discipleship with some of the students. And I REALLY LOVE my church.

so thats whats up... i'd appreciate any prayers you could spare...

Thankful Thursday

So a few other blogs I follow post something they are thankful for on Thursdays. I thought I'd follow their lead.

Today, I am reminded that I should be thankful that I live in America in 2009. In case you were unaware, I am a pretty independent, self-sufficient person. I don't really like people telling me what to do and I DEFINITELY am not a fan of someone telling me what/how to think. Over the past few weeks, I have read so much on different topics. I try to always look into all sides of any topic, hoping to form my opinion on my own. I am very thankful that I live in a place and time where that's the norm. I don't have to believe something simply because someone tells me to. In fact, I am EXPECTED to take what they say and form my own opinion after looking further into it.

Hooray for that.

Beach Reach was last week...more on that later.

I'm talking to a friend now, a friend from SFA. Dear ol' Lauren Radtke, oh how I love thee haven't actually seen the girl since..... MAY?!?!?!? But she is still one of my dearest friends. Even when she was studying in Costa Rica for the summer, then Argentina in the fall, we still made a point to keep in touch. Now THAT'S a friend.

I remember when I first met Rad....at Burger Bash my junior year at SFA. It was her first week at SFA as a freshmen. She came to the BSM Burger Bash and we connected pretty well. We ended up becoming pretty good friends over the next year. Her sophomore year, my senior year, we led a small group Bible study together.

Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without Radtke during those last months at SFA. It seemed that all of my other friendships that I had built up over the past four years had already fizzled out. But she didn't. I was a wreck most of the time during that last semester. But she still loved me and was my friend, a true friend. I don't know how many times I called her, crying about the hurt or pain caused by relationships, and she would calm me down then make me laugh with an inappropriate joke! :)

It's funny how some friendships fade. You can continue to put effort into them, but if it's not meant to be, it will simply fade out. But not with Radtke. I know some friends are meant to be in your life for a short season, but after talking to Radtke tonight, I am sure that she is one that will stick around. Heck, she has stuck around this long.... may as well stick around a little more.

It's so weird

Today marked the end of 17 years. Today, A&B Tire closed it's doors for the last time.

It's crazy to think that the place my dad has worked so hard to build and keep up for the last seventeen years is no more. But with the downfall of the economy, this is a decision that is long overdue.

So today, my mom and I took off and spent the day in Greenville with my dad. We took down and packed up all personal momentos. We loaded up the plaques and pictures. But really, we reminisced.

I feel like that place was so much of my childhood. I remember when he first opened the business and Bubba and I would go down the Greenville so we could shoot commercials. We used to ride the car lifts up and down, up and down, up and down. We never grew tired of it. We used to LOVE to open up the vending machine and coke machine to get a snack out. I would go to work with dad and my job was putting orders into the computer. I also LOVED to wash the blue off the white wall tires. Bubba would go out and do service calls on the road. The highlight of our day with dad would be when the "roach coach" came and dad would buy us something terrible, yet delicious.

I hated driving away from A&B Tire for the last time. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what my family needs to do. I am looking forward to getting my dad back...not the stressed out, grumpy, overwhelmed guy that's been at home for the past few years.

And just for the record....I thought about riding the car lift one more time...but didnt.

This was posted on another blog I read...and I thought it was definitely worth sharing.



I saw something very touching last night.
Or maybe heartbreaking is a better word.

As I was going down into the chilly subway station to wait for the train, a man was standing on the platform close to the wall.

From my quick peripheral observation (which I sadly have mastered since living here) I could tell he was, or looked, homeless or very poor.

The assumption seemed to be confirmed when I heard him mumbling something to people as they passed by him.

To each person he mumbled the same phrase.

I couldn't tell what he was saying, which probably meant (I thought) he was drunk or a little crazy and wasn't saying anything intelligible at all.

This assessment happened in about 2 seconds time as I approached him, seeing the person in front of me pass on by, not even glancing his way.

I passed by, not even glancing his way.

I felt a pang of guilt. (Guilt or the Holy Spirit convicting me?)

I heard a man's voice behind me say kindly,
"What is it you need, Sir?"

I turned around and saw the whole scene.

The man who didn't pass by was a business-looking man... clean cut, long nice dress coat.

Again, the man mumbled his line.
The man who didn't pass by asked him to repeat himself because he couldn't understand.

Finally he heard, and I heard, what the man what saying...
"Would you mind doing me a small favor?"

"Sure, what can I do for you?"
(He was just as uncomfortable as the rest of us would have been in the same situation. You could tell he was painfully aware of all the others on the platform staring at the scene, and aware of the potential hazards in stopping... but he stayed)

"Sir, would you mind zipping up my jacket? I'm crippled and can't do it on my own."

Immediately his handicap became obvious... a shriveled hand and forearm stuck up against his chest.

The man who didn't pass by proceeded to move in close... as close as you would have to be to zip someone's jacket zipper.
That's a pretty intimate process... way beyond the boundaries of personal space... it's something parents do for their small children who are not yet able.
He fumbled for a few seconds with the zipper on the man's dirty maroon jacket, and proceeded to zip it up. There they stood, face to face.

The crippled man was obviously touched, saying, "Thank you so much, Sir, thank you so much."

The train pulled up.
I stepped in the same car as the man who didn't pass by, and I could hear the crippled man yell again, "Thank you so much, Sir!"

As we pulled away from the station, we saw through the window the crippled man still standing where he had been.

I looked over and saw (what looked like) tears in the eyes of the man who didn't pass by.
I said to him, "That was really amazing what you just did."

He looked down sadly, shook his head, and sincerely said,"No, it really wasn't. I could have done so much more."

Yes, I guess he could have.
But he did so much more than any of the rest of us were willing to do.

And in his small gesture he gave something invaluable back to this man... his humanity.

He said to him, "Yes, I hear you speaking, and I care enough to stop... and to be patient and listen to what you have to say, even when it is so uncomfortable, and to put my fears aside in order to meet a need you have... in order to LOVE you. And I do this because it is what Jesus has done for me, and what He has done for you."

This beautiful, heartbreaking picture reminded me of what Jesus said about loving.

I praise the Lord today for people like this man- my husband- and pray that I would love Jesus so much that I would not pass by.

Happy Birthday Bubba...from some international students!

Last semester, Praveen, Aravind, and Yoshi met Bubba, when Bubba was in town to visit me one weekend. We all hung out one night...

... as the three of them walked into the BSM today for free lunch, they "reminded me" that today is Bubba's birthday. (I guess they saw it on Facebook) I got a brilliant idea to make a video for Bubba featuring my international friends. I thought I'd share with you too.

Time to get honest...

So I was home for a couple of days to celebrate Bubba's birthday (more on that later). I told my mom yesterday that we needed to call Jeremey today (Valentines) to see how he and the kids are doing. We got kinda busy and never did.

After birthday celebrations wrapped up tonight, I packed up the good ol' Explorer and headed back to Commerce. As I was driving, I started thinking about Jeremey and the kids. I ended up texting Jeremey to let him know that I was thinking about him and the kids. I had to text him on Margaret's phone though, since that's the phone he is using now. It was weird to see that I was sending a text to her phone, knowing that it's not actually going to her.

And the waterworks turned on. As I drove down 30, I started wondering if he would get the text..and what he would be doing as he got the text....and would he text back? I figured Gretchen and Barton were probably already in bed, so he was just sitting up enjoying the peace and quiet. But was it peaceful for him...spending his first Valentines WITHOUT the love of his life? I can't imagine what that must be like.

Then I started thinking...will I EVER BE OKAY WITH THIS? I mean...really.... I probably break down at least once or twice a week since Margaret has passed away. Every time I think about the kids growing up without their mom, I get a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just don't see how God could do that. I feel like He was on vacation that day...as if that was the ONE DAY that He stepped off the throne. Of course I know this is not true....but it sure feels like it. When I get honest with myself, my heart is asking "How could a loving God STEAL an amazing, loving mother from two YOUNG kids who may never remember their mom?" I hate to admit it, but there are times that I think, "Aren't there plenty of other people who could have died that day instead of her?" It's just not fair.... And yes I know life is not fair...

....but how do I explain that to Gretchen, the four year old darling of a little girl who still thinks mommy is coming home? How do I tell her that Mommy went to go live with Jesus without her thinking that Jesus isn't a good guy? Because that's what happened.... Gretchen was told that Mommy went to live with Jesus and she replied with, "Well then I don't like Jesus..."

It's not fair... and I don't like it..... and I'm pretty angry with God about the whole thing...

Ever since coming to Commerce, the sororities have been on my heart. The sorority houses are just right across the street from the BSM. However, we do not intentionally reach out to them in any way. It has been something I have praying about since early August.
At the end of last semester, I met Heather, a Kappa Delta who occasionally comes to the BSM. She had been praying about doing a small group for the girls in her sorority house. Well doesn't God work things out?
After a lot of running around trying to figure out the details and such, the small group for the sorority girls will be starting this Wednesday. I'm pretty excited about it. We will be going through Bad Girls of the Bible. I know that this is something that God has orchestrated, but I don't want to be too haughty about it. I'm still leaning completely on him for him to come through on this. There's no way I can lead a small group effectively without Him. I am praying that He will be so present this Wednesday that the girls that come will have to go home and tell the other girls in their sorority about the small group.
So if you think about it, pray for the our small group on Wednesday at 8:30.

A new obsession

In case I haven't told you yet, my newest obsession is craft blogs. I am subscribed to WAY TOO MANY blogs kept by stay-at-home mom's that make all this cute stuff for their house. Well, I tried to make some stuff myself...and I thought I'd share my mere attempts.









I bought this plate AND the stand at the dollar store. I simply wrote a verse on it and now it's on the bar!








This candle stand was at Goodwill for two bucks. It was really dirty, with wax caked on all over. But with some cleaning and a couple coats of spray paint, it looks brand new!



I got these four glasses at a thrift store too. I cleaned them up and added some blue and brown marbles, and now I LOVE THEM!










I still can't decide if I like this or not. I bought a round styrofoam thing (no, I don't know the technical terms) at the dollar store. Then I went to Wal-Mart for fabric. LUCKY FOR ME, the Wal-Mart here in Commerce is getting rid of their fabric center, so it was all 70% OFF!! Now, this is hanging on my front door.

Being Sick is NO FUN!

Thursday night, I my throat started hurting...didn't think much about it. Kept getting worse and worse throughout the weekend. Monday morning, I waved my white flag and made a doctor's appointment. His verdict...a bad case of strep and a sinus infection. I am now in quarantine. I woke up this morning feeling worse than yesterday. I switch between my bed and the couch. I have watched at least four movies...

I lead such an exciting life.

It's been just two months since Margaret passed away. It has been a really tough two months too. There have been a quite a few times that I have gone to hang out with the kids. Each time, I break down as I leave, knowing that they may never remember their mommy.

Today was worse than the other days though. My mom and I both took the day off. We went out to Flower Mound to take my grandmother (Margaret's mom) out to lunch. While we were at lunch, I asked her how the kids were doing. She said Gretchen, who is four, thinks Margaret is going to come home at some point. My Grandmother had to tell her that no, Mommy is living with Jesus now. Gretchen replied, "Well then I don't like Jesus."

Now, Grandmother says that Mommy lives in Heaven now.

It killed me.

When we got back to the house, we were playing with Gretchen. She went over to a table that had a lot of pictures on it. She was looking at a picture of Margaret and Jeremey. She said, "Let's go to the airport to get Mommy." I lost it. How do you explain to a four year old that her mommy is not coming home....that we won't be going to the airport to pick mommy up....???

When I go home to my parents, this is what I come home to....





















I have my bed from college in my room at my parents house. Its a twin day bed. When I go to bed at nihgt, I often go alone, which is quite lovely. But I wake up with both Luke and Belle in bed with me. I am smashed up against the wall while the two dogs are stretched out.

Something is wrong with that...

Now I don't necessarily believe everything Brian McLaren does, but I saw this today on his blog...and thought I'd share.

If you have driven around Dallas at all, it is very possible that you have seen a billboard like this. While I was home over the break, I saw a couple of these signs. A couple of weeks ago, I finally checked out the site. If you haven't been to www.iamsecond.com yet, then go...NOW. There are different people, well-known and common folk, that are simply telling their stories about when they realized that they are second and Christ is first. Check it out.

When you see a church that’s empty,
Though its doors are open wide,
It’s not the church that’s dying,
It’s the laymen who have died.

For it’s not by song or sermon
That the church’s work is done,
It is the laymen of our country
Who for God must carry on.

--W.A. Criswell

Happy New Year!

New Year's is always a time to reflect on the past year and look forward in expectancy for the upcoming year.

I went to a NYE party last night where I was asked to write down my new year's resolution. I think the last time I actually wrote down a resolution was in middle school. After returning to school from Christmas break, it seemed teachers always had us write a paper about our resolutions....lame.

Needless to say, I'm not sure I have given serious thought to a New Years resolution in a few years. I would throw random statement out when someone would ask about it, but knew all along I probably wouldn't keep whatever resolution I made up.

So I thought about it, and here's my resolution. It's one I would like to keep.

I want to be happy, genuinely happy. This past year, 2008, has probably been the hardest year of my life. My heart was shattered, which may arguably have been my own fault. I graduated and left a place that had been my home for four years. I spent four years developing friendships with people that within the matter of weeks faded away. I moved to a new, strange place and started over. I lost someone that was very dear to me. 2008 wasn't the greatest of years.

But I know that God has big things in store for 2009... I'm banking on it.

I can't believe the semester is already over. I have been in Commerce for a mere five months, but there are some days that I feel like I have been here forever. Of course, there are other days that I feel like I have been here two days.

This semester has been a tough one. It's hard to move off to a place where you don't know a soul and start all over. Mix in the fact that your WHOLE LIFE is supposed to be about ministering to people. I think I fell on my face. A lot.

But I learned a lot too. I learned that ministry is hard....really hard. And I have to love people not out of obligation, but because Jesus loves them. I learned that true friends will be there for you, no matter how many miles away they live. I learned that being an adult is hard, but I can do it. I also learned that a pre-written budget makes things go a lot easier.

I am looking forward to God doing some major things next semester. I will be leading a small group in the sorority houses, which I am continuing to pray about. I know that this is something God laid on my heart and He has allowed it all to work out so far. I pray that girls will be drawn closer to Him through studying His word. I am also praying for a spiritual awakening amongst the believers on the campus of A&M Commerce, both in the BSM and outside. I pray that these students would be so excited about what Jesus is doing in their lives, that they couldn't help but to talk about it.

finals memory

With finals week upon us, I am reminded of my first round of finals during my first semester of my freshmen year at SFA.

That semester, I took the cursed Chem 125 class. Not only was this class a total bore, but it has a Friday final....at 8 in the morning. I don't know what I did the night before the final, but I know that I woke up at about 9 30 on Friday morning. I rolled over in bed, looked at my clock, and yelled out a "not-so-Christian" word. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I took off. I SPRINTED all the way from my dorm room to the science building. As I made it to the lecture hall, I saw the last of the other students trickling out after finishing their final. I didn't know what to do, so I did something I am very ashamed of.... I lied

I'm pretty sure I told the professors (two professors team-taught the course) that I was sick, which was why I was late for the final. One of them showed small signs of sympathy while the other was pretty much apathetic. I begged them to let me take the final. By then it was 9:45, and the final was supposed to be from 8-10. I swore that I could take it in just 15 minutes, if they would just give me a chance.

Needless to say, I took the final and passed the class....

Margaret

Margaret wasn't just an aunt, but more like the older sister that I always wanted. See, she lived with us for a while after she graduated from college. My brother and I would come home from school and she would give us a snack and help us with our homework. This was often the time that Bubba and I would fight and argue in the worst way. Margaret would get so mad at us and tell us that we were the "best birth control."

Over the last couple of days, I have been reminded of so many different ways that Margaret has influenced my life.

She has done big things in my life, like influencing me to go to college.
Margaret was a lot of the reason I wanted to go to college. I remember one Christmas when she got us all ENMU shirts. I loved that T-shirt. I can vividly picture her college graduation. We went to Portales for the weekend and it was then that I decided that I wanted to go to college. After seeing where Margaret lived, meeting her friends, and visiting the campus with Margaret, I knew that if my college experience was anything like Margaret's, I would be happy.

My senior year in high school, Margaret was probably more excited than me about starting to look for the right university. She took off and went with me, a friend, and my mom to visit Texas A&M. She made ME excited about going to school!

I don't know if I ever told her how much it truly meant for me to come to my college graduation. It was so special that she made such a big effort to gather up the kids and Jeremey to drive over three hours to Nacogdoches after a full day at work. They then got up early the next morning to sit in a muggy colisseum for my few seconds of fame as my name was called and I walked across the stage. Once we got back to my house, I was expecting them to say goodbye and head out. But Margaret and Jeremey saw that I was an emotional wreck and volunteered to stick around and help me and my parents pack up my things so I could move back home. Margaret was always one of the most selfless and giving people I knew.

Margaret was always doing selfless things, simply to show someone that she loved them. My sophmore year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had to have major surgery and was in the hospital for quite sometime in the fall. It just so happened that she was going to be in the hospital over my high school's homecoming. Knowing that there were other things to worry about, I didn't mention anything. But Margaret did not want me to miss out. She and Stephanee, her best friend, came to our house on the night of the event. They helped me get ready, did my make up, re-styled my hair after I hated what the stylist did, and took lots of pictures. Margaret not only didn't want me to miss out, but she didn't want my mom to miss the event.

Margaret also influenced me in the smallest ways too. I realized that I always try to keep clear or a natural color paint on my fingernails, because that's what she did. Somehow, it's like I thought that if I kept my nails painted, I could be beautiful, like her.

I always wanted to be like her. She seemed to have everything that I could have ever wanted.

In her room in Carlsbad, Margaret had a trundle bed that I loved. As a kid, I always wanted a trundle bed so I could be as cool as her. She also had a vanity in her room. When we used to visit Carlsbad, I would sneak off in her room and sit at her vanity. I would pretend I was putting on make-up, getting ready for a big date or a night out with my friends. I wanted to be just my beauitful Aunt Margaret.

When I was in seventh grade at a brand new junior high, I somehow got the guts to run for student council. Why? Because Margaret was student body president at her university. And I wanted to be like her. In fact, when I won the student council election, Margaret bought me a charm bracelet with my first charm, a gavel. I still treasure that charm bracelet.

Margaret collected crosses, so I started to collect them too. I seemed to think that only "cool" people collected crosses, and I wanted to be cool, like Margaret.

Margaret's wedding to Jeremey will forever be the ideal wedding to me. Even now, many years later, I always compare every wedding to hers. In my opinion, she had the most beautiful and most incredible wedding I have ever been to. I can only wish that my wedding will be as magical and perfect as hers was.

She used to have a standard car. I used to love to ride around with her, with Green Day playing in the background while she let me change gears whenever she would say, "shift!" I thought I was so cool. I wanted a manual car for a long time for that reason.


I remember a lot about her.

When we were young, my brother and I used to go up to Carlsbad for a week every summer. I remember one time when she was driving me and my brother back to Carlsbad. We spent the whole eight hours making up silly rules for the car ride. Some of our silly rules included if you needed to pass gas, you would have to stick your rear out the window while one of us held your hand. She also made it clear that there would be no asking "how much further" or an excessive amount of pit stops.That's one big thing Margaret taught me, to live your life in each moment. Don't simply let it pass you by, but enjoy every minute of it.

Apparently when Margaret was really young, she had quite the imagination. She made up an original song to sing while taking a shower. I made it my mission one summer to have her teach me that song. Even to this day, everytime I go to some sort of camp or retreat, I always teach the people I am with Margaret's shower song. Most of the girls from my home church can sing this song by heart too, because they have heard it so much.


But Margaret did not just make an impact on me when I was younger. In the recent years, I have found myself idolizing her in numerous ways. She showed me how to be a woman of character and integrity. She was a working woman and a devoted mom. She sought hard after the Lord and encouraged me in pursuing work in the ministry.

In this whole situation, I think what breaks my heart the most is the kids. Gretchen and Barton may not remember their mom as I do. In a way, I feel guilty that I knew Margaret so well. But I have decided that I do not simply want to be a cousin to Gretchen and Barton. I want to be like Margaret and go the extra mile so they know that I love them. And hopefully, they will catch a glimpse of their beautiful mom in me.

This is my aunt Margaret. She looks too young to be an aunt, huh? Well, she was more like an older sister. She was just 34, married to an amazing man with two beautiful kids, 2 and 4, who I would do anything for. I adored Margaret.

I don't understand it, and frankly, I'm a little angry about it. Margaret passed away this week. She was helping a friend with a rent house in Albequrque. (she was always one of the most loving, giving people I knew) They got there late Thursday night. She called Jeremey at home to tell him that she made it okay. Then, she and her friend turned on the heat before going to bed. Unfortunately, the furnace was broken and had a leak. Margaret never woke up. She and her friend passed away from carbon monoxide poisoning.

So if you have time, I beg you to please pray for Jeremey and their kids, Gretchen and Barton.

so....its been a while

I have been up to a lot in the past couple of months... rather..God has been up to a lot. But Iw ant to share one story in particular.

Last Monday was the WMU World Day of Prayer. Our local association, the Hunt Baptist Association was hosting this event in Lone Oak, a small town about an hour outside of Commerce. I had been asked to lead out in the time of prayer for North America, so I knew I had to be on time. I was not completely sure where I was going. I had gotten turned around a couple of times, so I was definitly running a little behind.

I finally made it Lone Oak, but still not totally sure where the retreat center was. However, as I was pulling into the town, I saw this lady that was at least fifty years old walking down the two-lane highway. As I was beginning to pass her, I thought "I should pick her up." But knowing I was running late, I went ahead and passed her. I didnt get far before I felt bad and turned around, but then I remembered I was running late and turned back to find the retreat center. I got about a mile down the highway and I just KNEW I had to pick her up.

After stopping to pick up my new friend, Ms. Mary, she explained that her gas had been stolen from her truck for the THIRD DAY. I took her to the police station. Sometime during our conversation, I told her that I was in Lone Oak for a World Day of Prayer and invited her to join me. She was SO EXCITED TO!

We showed up a little late, but the ladies at the retreat center didn't mind at all. The World Day of Prayer went great, and I can say with confidence that I wasn't the only one who enjoyed Ms. Mary's presence.

As I was taking Ms. Mary back home, she went on and on praising the Lord for how things had worked out for her. She said that she was about to get laid off for the Rubbermaid factory, she was in a financial bind, and she was in the "eye of the storm," but she was going to keep praising the Lord.

I want faith like Ms. Mary's.

Happy 150th Post!!!

So I have decided that one of my favorite parts of doing collegiate ministry is that I can live vicariously through other students. For instance, while at SFA, I always wished I could have taken more art classes. Not only did I not have the space in my schedule, but I probably don't have the patience to work on ONE art piece for weeks at a time. However, it turns out that A&M Commerce has a pretty big art program. I have been able to help a couple of students with their art pieces, at my convenience. The best part is, when I want to quit and go home, I can!

Another example, I have always wanted to take a photography class. Just so happens we have a few photo majors at the BSM. I had one student take me up to the photo room and show me all the fun machines and gadgets that process the film. I am hoping to go with her next time she has to process film, and see the whole thing in action.

As a leadership team, we are working our way through UnChristian. I started reading this book earlier this summer, but it brings a whole new perspective on it when you discuss it with other people. I almost feel like the UnChristian book was written about me. I have a lot of the same ideas that are expressed in the book. I totally understand why non-believers aren't big fans of the church. Heck! There are plenty of times that I'm not a big fan of the church. ("church" as in body of believers, not building with a steeple).
This book deals with a lot of the conceptions not-yet-believers have of Christians today. Our leadership team so far has discussed the issues of hypocrisy and being too concerned with numbers. I was shocked with how many people (not just our leadership team) were taken aback by what the research showed.
Needless to say, next week, we are taking about the people thinking that Christians are anti-homosexual. Should be an interesting conversation..and yours truly is leading it....

LOVE it!

Ministry is hard

I have been in Commerce for 5 weeks now. Classes have been in session for two weeks. Some days I feel like I have been here for only a couple days. Other days, I feel like I have been here forever.

I have found the toughest thing about doing ministry, at least collegiate ministry, is you can't force someone to have a heart for the campus. I want so badly to get into the students' minds and make them understand that there is a whole campus out there that does not know the Lord. I want them to have compassion for these people.

I can tell them over and over again about Jesus' heart for all, but until it "clicks" with them, I can only sit back, encourage them, and above all, pray for the campus...which is exactly what I intend to do.

I MADE IT!

I made it thru my first "real" week as an intern. There were times that I thought the week would never end. It seemed like we had event after event after event.

I am still working on getting to know everybody. At times, I found myself getting jealous of people who are interning at the campus they graduated from. They already know everybody. There were many times this week when someone would wonder into the BSM or up to me at an event. I would introduce myself and start telling them a bit about whats going on at the BSM, and they would look back at me like I was an idiot and say, "I know. I come here all the time." SHOOT!

I was feeling a little discouraged by the end of the week. I was really struggling with my purpose here...but I met someone at Overflow on Thursday night that really lifted my spirits. Afterwards, we were cleaning everything up and there was still some students just hanging out. Koji was standing off by himself, so I went up and introduced myself to him. He told me that he had graduated from A&M Commerce last May and was simply back for a visit. We began talking about him being an international student from Japan. His story is amazing....

Koji first came to Texas from Japan four years ago. He was at Trinity Valley Community College in Athens....a happening place. There, he had a few friends that would occassionally invite him to the free lunch at the BSM. He went, only to leave frustrated with all the "Christian stuff." One day, he was in the library, when another student from the BSM just walked by and said hello to him. He claims to have not known the girl, but felt like there was simply something different about her. Later that week, he wondered into the BSM for another lunch. A few weeks later, the BSM director told him about a group of Asian students from DBU that were getting together for a fellowship. He decided to join them, in hopes of asking some hard questions. And he did just that. After leaving that night, he wrestled for a while about what God had planted in his heart. He later went to meet with the director of the BSM at TVCC, where he prayed to invite Christ in his life.


And now....just THREE YEARS LATER.... he is in seminary. I was dumbfounded. Here was this guy, who was SO PUMPED UP about his Savior. He has been on many short-term mission trips, and is now studying to be a church planter or missionary. I want to be like Koji.

Its been a crazy week... more to come later.

But until then...check this out. I saw it on BBC News and thought it was worth sharing.

Joel owes me some money

It all started on August 6th, when Joel uploaded a certain video to his blog. (So before you watch my video, I BEG for you to watch the video on his. Otherwise, I fear what you will think about my video as a stand-alone)

So I watched the video on his blog, and my first thought was " OH MY GOSH!! That girl is a ME when I was little...we are ONE IN THE SAME!" I was not the only one to have that reaction once watching the video. I have talked to others who also think that this little girl is me reincarnated.

I couldn't let this 10 year old show me up. So here you go....

I just got back from a Campus Missionary/Intern retreat. I was a little nervous going into it. But I really did have a great time. I met some awesome people that are serving on campuses all over Texas. It was so (not to sound corny) inspiring to hear their hearts for college students. It also helped with the whole "lonely" factor. Meeting people who are kinda in the same boat as me was refreshing. It's good to know I am not alone.

We also got so many different resources. I am so stoked for this semester now.

Cribs: Commerce Style

Well, kids... I have survived my first week in Commerce. Can't say it was the most exciting weeks of my life. I still only know maybe...two people. Therefore, my weekend was pretty bland. I watched a total of five rented movies... and I'm pretty much okay with that.

Man..but visiting a church all by yourself is a new kind of lonesome. I visited one this morning... and I'm pretty sure they could have cared less that I was there. Not one person talked to me...even in Sunday school! But, I am going to try to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they were having an "off" day...so I will give it another try. I did visit another church tonight that I enjoyed. It is a brand new church plant here in Commerce. A lot of young people, but some families as well. They seem to be a tight knit community...which I'm down for.

Brittany came to visit me last Thursday...which was SO EXCITING!!! I dont know if I have ever been so excited to see her. I was getting a little lonesome, so she was JUST what I needed. We even filmed our own version of "Cribs." I am hoping to post it tomorrow, once I get internet at the apt.

Well... I think I hear another movie calling my name...

..until next time..

Howdy...from Commerce!

Well.... its day two on the job. I moved down here on Sunday. I love my apartment...though its weird to live by myself. I keep waiting for Lindsay to walk in the door so we can make plans about the next Gilmore Girls we will watch. Maybe once I get the boxes cleared away, I will post some pics.
I got the pleasure of going to an associational meeting last night. Not too bad.
I am looking forward to meeting more students. I have spent the last day and a half working on my office...you know...putting stuff on the walls, filling the bookshelves...that kind of stuff. Classes dont start til the 25th. I hope I get more to do before then.

I wish I was a black woman...

If you know me at all, you would know that I am slightly in love with Tyler Perry. Madea is my hero. I recently read Tyler Perry's book "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings." I loved it. All of it. Because put bluntly, I love black people. I love their culture, their humor, all of it.

As I was reading, "Madea" (Tyler Perry) makes an AMAZING point about friendships. Seeing as how this is an issue I have been worried about/struggling with... I thought I'd share:

"Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away. There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go. Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come and take.

"Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the thigns you want to share with it.

"Finally, there are people who are like the roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO. When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everbody around you. Again, I repeat for emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might."


....ahh.... I love Madea

So I am officially obsessed with blogs. Google Reader is the most handy thing ever invented. With it, I subscribe to numerous blogs, but can read them all in one place.

One that I love to look at is boston.com/bigpicture. Check it out. This is my fave so far....




And I thought police on segways were kinda silly....

i love sports

i know its another video....but just watch it

steve harvey introduces jesus

the elephant in the room...

Graduation was merely two months ago. On the dot. And already, I have lost contact with 99% of my friends from SFA.

This has probably been because of a lack of effort on both sides. I gotta say though, there are somedays where I'm fine with how things have turned out. There are other days where it flat out STINKS.

It's days like I have had lately that can be rough when it comes to this whole "recently friend-less" season of my life. I've really been struggling during the past week, in a couple of ways. Simply put, I've been down. There have been a couple of things that I thought were pretty much dealt with that keep creeping back up. Can't say I'm a fan.

It's in those moments where I wish I could pick up the phone and call someone who was familar with the situation. The only thing worse that dealing with a problem is to have to explain how the problem started to someone before whining about the actual thing.

Of course I knew a time like this would come. I heard someone make a really good point once....Growing up, we always had "school friends." These were the people in grade school up to high school that were your friends at school, but not so much outside of school. Well when we go off to college, we may think that our days of having "school friends" are over. But maybe they aren't. Maybe instead of "school friends" clocking out at the end of each school day, they clock out at graduation. After all, when you are away at school, the "school friends" are all you have. You often don't have "real friends" to come home to at the end of the day.

It's just a thought.

And I dont say this to put down the amazing people I was close with over the past four years. I would not trade anything for everything each of them has done for me. And as much as my prideful self hates to admit it, there are times that I miss these people... a lot.

I am going to Commerce.

That being said...why does everyone constantly ask me "why?" Many people have asked why would I EVER want to go to Commerce when I had Minneapolis at my fingertips. Countless people ask WHY WOULD I EVEN THINK ABOUT starting a young adult ministry/small group at my home church when I am only here for the summer?

Get off my back.

Don't you think I have prayed and sought God out on this? Because I have. And I am confident on what He has be doing right now.

I would have LOVED to have gone to Minneapolis. It kills me that I am still turning down job offers up there. But a lot has come to head over the past month or so. I realized that in going to Minneapolis, I would be looking for an easy escape, simply running away. And I can't do that. Because I am tired of running.

a little update..


turned down the job in Minneapolis.

Went to Commerce on Friday to talk about a job there.

Freaked out.

Got another job offer in Minneapolis.

I'm not ready to make a big-girl decision.

Moving home has proven to be a lot harder than I thought. And I even knew coming into it that it wouldn't be easy.

To say the least, relationships have changed... all of them. A lot of them have fizzled out. It's only been a month since my days in Nac came to an end, and already, I think my phone bill wont be nearly as high.

Went to Nac this weekend... by far the worst mistake of my life. My heart was shattered, in more ways than one.

Turned down a job to Minneapolis... Never thought I'd say that.

My life is in a serious rut. I feel like everything has gone to pot...and has been for awhile. I have just been masking it all...I realized that going to Minneapolis would be running away from my problems, my aching heart. It sucks, no doubt..but it is what it is.

Did I mention that I also contribute to a community blog? It's usually quality stuff, written by quality people. You should check it out.

www.porchdiscourse.blogspot.com

my plan...or lack thereof

I a lot of possibilities right now...

There's the whole BSM intern thing... that would put me on a campus here in Texas...

There's Americorps in Boston... I have had some phone interviews with a few different agencies...

There's also Americorps in Minneapolis.... this was a recent add to the opportunity list. Something I have been praying about and finally got a "go" from God to pursue this..

so there it is... my opportunities.... still dont know whats next

The heart is a funny thing. It's a fragile thing. It's not a tough thing....at least not mine.

I drove around the other night. I find driving around late at night with the windows down and music blaring...to be a bit relaxing...therapeutic almost.

Anyways, I stopped at one point. Pulled over. Had a moment of closure. (maybe it was kinda creepy..) But I said what I needed to say, as if "they" were standing right there. After I said my peace, I turned the ignition, rolled down the windows, and blared some Miley Cyrus. I hadn't felt that good in a long time...





....until tonight. I felt like I took three GIANT steps back. And no, it wasn't that I made the conscious decision to go back. It was moreso thrust upon me. I won't lie. I broke me. There I was, getting upset over something that I SWORE would not get the best of me EVER AGAIN. I thought I had this handled. But then I was reminded of the state of the human heart...fragile. Then, I just got angry with myself for being upset, which only made me more upset. It's this evil cycle that comes with being a girl.

So where does that leave me now?

Ready to get the heck out of Nacogdoches!

A week of lasts

Well...I am now in my final week here in Nac. It's bittersweet, to say the least.

Last Thursday was my last Crave...ever. I haven't worshipped like that in a long time. At one point, I completely broke down. I went to a back room and fell to my knees. This is such an awkward time. My four years here is wrapping up. Friendships are fading out. It's all so weird. And it would be one thing if I knew what was coming next. But I don't. I have no idea. All I know is that a few hours after graduation, I will be back in Dallas. Who knows for how long? Or how short?

Looking back on this year, I think it is fair to say that is has been a little rough in terms of ministry. This has been my third year to be on "leadership" at the BSM. I think it has also been the toughest.

I am probably not alone in this overall reflection of the past year. In fact, I know I am not. There are a few people that have chosen to not return to a leadership role within the ministry simply because "this year did not go as they wanted." Dually noted.

But this is the time when the REAL leaders step up. Now is when people with true leadership abilities continue to fight for the ministry. If you don't like it, do something about it. Don't just jump ship.

It is a beautiful day. I could not ask for a more gloriously gorgeous afternoon to spend out here on the hammock.

So here I am, spending my Sunday afternoon chilling in the hammock.

I was writing a letter, one that I have been putting for a while, one that is incredibly hard to write out. However, I am praying it will bring healing. I feel that in the last year or so, that is all I have been yearning for...healing.

I had just started writing the most difficult part of this particular letter. In doing so, I am making myself so incredibly vulnerable. Just seeing it all on paper makes the pain increase. I feel as if I am ripping open a terrible wound, but one that is simply trying to heal under my self-imposed band-aid. I have attempted to put band-aid after band-aid on a gaping wound. I pray that in ripping off what I hope is the last band-aid, I can begin an actual healing process.

Needless to say, I am beginning to put delicate words on paper, feeling extremely vulnerable and possibly lonely. With iTunes on shuffle, the classic song "You Are So Beautiful to Me" starts playing. I couldn't help but put a pause on my letter and look around at the beautiful day. And in that moment, I felt as if God was singing this out to me. He is comforting me, reassuring me of His love and passion for me.

I found great comfort in Him at that moment. Though I am ripping at a deep and painful wound, He is there, helping to bring me healing and peace.

Been thinking about relationships recently, and the necessity and roles of them.

I screwed up this weekend. Won't go into details...but in doing so, I thought about my relationships. Shouldn't quality relationships provide a net for when you screw up?

I found myself worrying about what people were going to think about me when they find out that I screwed up...Won't they be disappointed, mad, or any other negative response?

Should I worry about this? No...

The people you love are supposed to love you...in your bad times too.

So next time I screw up, and I am sure that I will, I don't plan on worrying about what everyones gonna think....I'll just look for someone to help me back up.

Discouraged.

I feel very discouraged lately.

This whole student teaching thing is no fun. I don't like it at all. Have I possibly picked the wrong profession? Do I even WANT a profession?

And that leads me to my next issue... I graduate in a little over a hundred days and then what??? I SURE AS HECK do NOT want to teach..at least not 4th grade math! I really don't wanna get stuck in a duldrum, which I definitly fear.

And this whole ministry thing....Katy brought up a good point.. what IS ministry? This question matched the one that has been plaguing my mind...what is MY ministry?!?! I think it is fair to say that the bible study Radtke and I had going last semester didnt turn out as planned. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to not continue our Bible study. So I feel discouraged, thinking "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" But what a lame thing to have running through my head. Ministry isn't about a set time and place..it's a lifestyle, right?

But my lifestyle right now mirrors that of a 40 year old. I get up at 6:30, grab a lunch for the day, then head to school, where I teach all day (and don't get paid.) I then come home, get stuff ready for the next day, watch TV with my roommate for a bit, then head to bed around 9:30. How cool is that?

In other news...interracial speed dating on campus next Monday... haha

Life is crazy...ain't it?

I spent a good portion of tonight looking back and reading some previous blogs...what a super cool way to spend a Friday night, right? But I am glad I did. I was able to re-live some of the ups and downs that I seemed to have forgotten over the past couple of years.



Sean and I met tonight for our weekly Catalyst talk. We didn't talk about the material for long before we started talking about whatever was on our hearts. Next thing I knew, we had been there for almost two hours and we were joking about what the other person was like 3 or 4 years ago.



It's CRAZY to actually look back at who you were back then...to see your high points, and once again, grimmace at your low points. I was able to see where God has taken me, which was amazing. It is truly reaffirming to realize, "Oh yeah. God really DOES have a hand in this."



It's like what Sammons was saying last night at Crave (which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me...) He said that if you look in a concordance for "God's will," you pretty much find three things. One is God's providential will, another is God's moral will, and the last is his personal will.

Basically, if you are looking for God's personal will in your life, you should focus on the other two, and the personal part will fall into place. I heard that and it was like BAM! IN THE FACE! Here I am, freaking out about what's gonna happen when May comes. It seems that every prayer has something to do with what the heck God wants me to do with my life. But now I realize that if I will focus on the providential and moral will of God, His personal will for my life will be made known.....nice....

How can you not fall in love with this little girl? I think about her numerous times a day.

I spoke last Thursday to the BSM about my time in Transnistria. I showed them pictures, gave a run-down of our trip, and told the story of this little girl. Unexpectedly, I broke down and start to cry, as I relived that precious hour.

We went to an orphange for children from birth up to about six years old. This was, by far, our favorite orphange. I know that sounds bad, but this was the only orphange that we were able to really sit down and play with the kids, one on one. We basically went from room to room, spending a fair amount of time in each classroom, interacting with the kids.

We made it to the room for 1-2 year olds, where I saw this little girl. She looked up at me with those big eyes, and I pretty much melted. I knelt down to get at her level and she immediately opened her arms and clung to me. I picked her up and played with her for a bit. Her laugh was indescribable and still rings in my ears. After we "danced" for awhile, I noticed the director talking to Vladimir, our translator, about the little girl I was holding. Vladimir turned to me and explained that this adorable little girl had been abandoned as an infant at a local construction site. Her mother, an AIDS victim, left all of her papers with her, and is now on the run from the police.

I lost it. What did this little girl do to deserve this? Chances are, her entire childhood will be spent shuffling from one orphange to another. I was there, had a good time with this little girl, but the time came that I had to put her down and leave, knowing that there is not much I can do to change her life...and thats a hard thing to realize.

This is the part I hate about "mission trips" ... the coming back to reality. I am still kind of processing my time in Transnistria. But as the days have gone on, I am more ready and willing to share pictures, tell stories. But I have found that that's hard. I should have known that, after coming to this realization after Minneapolis. I understand, people have other things to do...this is the time that I REALLY miss my team. They would understand every bit of every story. I have sent them a few texts and facebook messages, telling them that I miss them and I wish we were back in Tiraspol.

That's another hard part. Iwould love to look back and give a report or pinpoint something and say, "This is what we did...those kids have a better life now." But they are still orphans, living an institutionalized, orphan life. Sure, we provided a good time for them for an hour or so, but are their lives any different? I guess I will never know. And I am sure that is how is supposed to be. And don't harp on me about how "it's not about what YOU do..its about what God did..." I am well aware of that. But I don't know that either!

I have been talking to Anna, one of our translators, a lot since we got back. Her regular job, besides being a translator, is to be an advocate, or social worker, for children in the orphanages. I am absolutely FASCINATED by her job. In fact, I told her that I would love to come back and simply shadow her on a daily basis. She was telling me just two days ago about a family that wishes to adopt. That gives me some form of hope for those kids. I know the family coming forward to adopt has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us being there, but it's good to know that starting soon, one of those kids will have a better life.

A lot of people are asking, "How was your trip?" I understand this, but it's hard. I think I have subconsciously been avoiding actually processing my time in Transnistria. I had an amazing time while in Tiraspol, but it was so very hard.

I would have loved to say that Transnistria is changed because of us. But that would be a bit of a fairy-tale. We came, we left, and Transnistria is still the same. It is still a sad, corrupt country. Many people are still lacking hope. It is hard to put a child down after you have cradled her, and you know that there is nothing you can do to change her situation.

When I have actually thought about this more, I will post again.

It is weird to think that this time tomorrow, I will be flying over Europe, preparing to land in Moldova, before driving to Tranistria.

I am growing more and more anxious with each day.

A family friend writes for the Garland Newspaper, and she decided to write an article about my trip to Moldova. She called today to "interview me." One question she asked continues to ring in my head. "What is your purpose for going, like, what ONE thing do you want to accomplish?" Maybe it was a bad sign...like that I am a "bad Christian" or something, but I was taken aback by this question. It wasn't that I couldnt believe she was asking that, it was I was clueless as to what my answer was. Why AM I going? I thought for a second and responded with a heartfelt answer. "I want to show the people of Tranistria/Moldova that there is hope. That they are not forgotten." I didn't mention Christ, and maybe that's why this question and my response continues to loom over me. Does that make me a bad person? In some people's eyes, probably. Let's be honest. There will probably be someone I know who picks up the newspaper and reads that article. They will be probably be sadly disappointed at my lack of "Christian-ese" in my response(s). But you know what? I am okay with that.

"Where is Transnistria?" I hear that a lot. Well..maybe this little map will help. It is currently 21 degrees there. I don't even know what 21 degrees feels like...but I will

As the day to leave draws nearer, I get more and more nervous. I mean, what if I leave every orphanage in tears, heartbroken about the conditions these kids live in. And my mom brought up a good point today... How am I going to adjust to coming back here? It's all going to be rushed when I get back, which makes me nervous. Pretty much, I fly in late Wednesday night, head back to Nac Thursday, to start student teaching on Friday. We'll see how that goes....

It's really weird to think that this time next week, I will be in route to Transnistria. I am so very nervous and extremely excited.

I really don't feel prepared at all. I know I am working with orphans... and I know I have done that kind of work before, but this is going to be so much different. The main thing that concerns me is the emotional burden that will be present everywhere. From what I understand, Transnistria is not the best place ever. I have been told by some that it is a "black hole," forgotten by most. And this is the place that made me willingly stand up and say "PICK ME! I'LL GO!"???

Lately I have been listening to a lot of music. I find it very therapeutic. It seems like so many times, there is an artist out there who has felt similar to what I have felt this semester. I often get fixated on a song or two...until it has no effect any longer. But lately, I have been listening to some Tara-Leigh Cobble, and one of her songs might as well have my name on it. It is actually a cover of a Rich Mullins songs...here it goes

"You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get"

Can I just be honest? At least with myself?

Life has sucked REALLY badly for the past few months. I have been pretty unhappy most of the time. I dont say this looking for a pity party in return. If anything, I feel like I have been hiding it A LOT! I had a breakdown to rival all breakdowns the other day. I dont know if I have ever hurt so much. And this hurt...sucks. I find myself questioning my faith a lot. It is hard for me to think that a God that loves me would continue to let me hurt like this. I feel like I pray all the time, begging God to take it away...and its only gotten worse.

It sucks. There are so many days that I feel at a loss....hopeless almost.

To say I have been in a "funk" would be correct. This semester has been the toughest yet, and I am not just speaking in academic terms. Though school has been particularly intense this semester, this "funk" would come from emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical distress. There are so many days that I do not even want to get out of bed.
Sometimes, it seems like it would be much easier to lie in bed all day everyday, under my covers, holding Louie tightly in my safe haven of my little twin bed. I know most people are tired of hearing my "pity party"... which is why I have perfected my masks.

200 and some odd days til I graduate, which means 200 and some odd days til I leave Nac...for good. Weird


Been praying a lot about what the heck is gonna happen come May when I have a degree and no ideas of the future. I did find out that Teach for America (which is a big possibility) is looking into expanding to the Twin Cities beginning next fall. Can you say "perfect?"


I can't help but to continue to evaluate and possibly modify current relationships. After talking to Sammons, I came to the conclusion that you can't necessarily outgrow a "place," though you can outgrow people..which sucks. I have always heard how some people are in your lives for a lifetime, while others are here only for seasons. It is very tempting to look around at the people I surround myself with and wonder..."how long are YOU around for?"

does anyone even still read this?

Been out of comission for a bit.. I apologize.

Did the Focus thing this past weekend..my last one ever actually. I learned a lot. Not so much from the speaker or the breakout sessions, but just through my own time with God.


Had more than my fair share of emotional breakdowns this weekend. God just really opened my eyes to a lot. I am discontent here. I look around and think, "Is THIS what I really spent four years building up to?" I am still marvelling over all that I learned while being up in Minneapolis. And I come back here, and I just see myself being in an enviroment that is not supportive or conducive of that. And I hate it. I am so very discontent here.

I went to debriefing for missions while at Focus. It was good to sit around with people that have been on a similar journey this past summer. I won't lie, I thought it was going to be a lame time, that debriefing would be terribly pointless and boring. But I cannot describe how AMAZING it felt to be in a room with over a hundred other people that WANT to hear ALL ABOUT my summer..just the way I want to hear of theirs. It's hard to come back home and realize that when someone asks, "So, how was your summer?" they are wanting a "good", "okay", or "fine." Most people could care less to hear your stories of how God changed you. They take no interest in the people that you met while being away. But there in that room at debriefing, there was an excitement in the eyes of everyone as they listened to story after story.

It was also nice to realize that I am not alone in this discontentment that I have been feeling. Many people in that room are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. In all reality, it's a part of culture shock..in coming back home with all that you learned and trying to transfer it, while coming to the realization that it's a lot harder than you think. At one point during debriefing, Brenda got up in front of everyone and asked, "How many of you sit with your friends or people at your school and think that the conversation y'all are having is pointless?" Countless hands shot up, including my own. I took relief in that. I am not alone.

I have realized that I want something more out of relationships. I want nothing more than to be authentic. Skip the small talk...there's no use for it. It's simply a waste of time. Let's share our struggles, our heartaches, our joys, our praises. THAT'S what life is about.

I am still sorting through everything that was brought to surface this past weekend. Honestly, I think it is going to be a continual process. There will never be a moment that I finally "get it." I will always struggle with it, always learn more about the relationships I am currently in and those I hope to pursue.

After confiding in a very good friend over the weekend, she asked one thing of me...don't turn cold. And it is so incredibly easy to do that. To be so discontent with things..with relationships.. that you turn cold. My prayer is that I don't do that. That I continue to realize that I DON'T have it all figured out. That there is probably someone in my life that is looking at me and is not happy with our relationship...and if that is you... tell me... be real with me...let's have an authentic relationship.

HAPPY 100th POST!!!!

Classes start Monday...weird. I feel like I have not even had a summer. I am usually pretty stoked about a new semester, especially fall. It is always really exciting seeing everyone after the long summer break. A lot of people change and grow over the summer. I love to sit back and watch how people have changed. But I feel a little uneasy about this semester starting up. It seems like it is too soon...or maybe I am just freaking out because it is my last year here.

Now I am not a terribly political person, but I have been thinking lately. I am reading the Irresistible Revolution by Shaine Claiborne right now, which I definitly recommend.


But in one part, he goes on a political rant about the war in Iraq. And it made me think about something I had never thought about before. When all of this war stuff started, "God Bless America" was plastered everywhere. Claiborne explains in his book that on a trip to Iraq, he began to realize that "the reputation of our nation is not just of America but of Christianity..." Now I would not be one to automatically link America with Christianity, but with all the "God" thrown in with the war jargon, I can see how other countries would get that impression.

Shane goes onto say that while in Iraq, he meets am Iraqi mother who "threw her hands in the air and said, 'Your country is declaring war in the name of God and asking God's blessing, and that is the same thing my country is doing. What kind of God is this? What has happened to the God of love, to the Prince of Peace?'"

I am not pushing my political views out there, but you have to admit, this is an interesting thing to think about.

I am very blessed.

And Katie McGowan is one heck of a woman.

Going to Nac this weekend... so all you crazy kids... GET EXCITED!

My lil MB is graduating... makes me so proud!

That is all.

Well.. I made it back to Dallas. But I must admit, I kind of miss the cities. It has been nice being home though.

I miss a lot about the cities...

like the frequent stops at the coffee shops...
the many intellectual people who LOVE deep conversations...
the late nights out on the porch at the house...
watching the Spelling Bee with Becky MULTIPLE times a week...
the long conversations with Tony outside of Espresso Royale...
the MUCH cooler weather...
the beauty of everything!...
the swing outside the house in Dinkytown...
the other regulars on the bus that I talked to...
the ongoing discoveries of different nuances unique to the north...
the cats in the apartment... (I know, its really weird that I miss cats...)



and so much more..

Last night here

Visited the seminary at Bethel today. Thought it would be a good way to spend my last day here in the cities....looking into spending more time here after I graduate. I did the whole recruitment thing...tour, admissions counseling, etc. I really like the program there. Plus I LOVE the cities... who knows what could happen?!?

Did I mention that we spent our last day with Aubrey and Deanna yesterday? We pretty much just hung out... but when we left, I started crying. I am really going to miss them. They have been such a support for me while being up here. I wish everyone could meet them. I promise, these people make everyone's lives just a little better. I'm very sad to say goodbye to them.

Spent my last night here in the cities with the guys. We went out to eat, then hung out at the house. I got to walk around Dinkytown one last time, which was nice. Then, we chilled out on the front porch of the house with the housemates, enjoying one last Minnesota night. I don't know if I left much of an impression of those guys, but the people in the house have really taught me a lot from our many nights sitting out of the front porch. I'm gonna miss that.

But there are things I WON'T miss...

like walking to the bus stop everyday...

and no A/C in most buildings...

and the awkward looks I get from saying "ma'am" and "sir"...

and the way people are hard to approach up here...

and having to rely on other people for rides all the time...

and not really having a schedule from day to day...

and people teasing us about our southern accents...

or assuming that since I am from Texas, President Bush MUST be my God...

but all in all...I am gonna miss the cities.

Bridge Collapse

Don't know if you have heard yet, but the 35W bridge here in the cities has collapsed. Luckily, we were at Aubrey and Deanna's all day today, which is nowhere near downtown. But things here in the cities are a little crazy. The bridge was just a couple of blocks from Dinkytown. I have crossed that bridge. It's weird, to say the least. And it truly is a terribly sad situation. I would ask that you would pray for the people that were a part of this collapse. There are numerous that have already been confirmed as dead, but still many in the hospitals. And pray for the people effected by this. It really is a terrible trajedy. It was a HUGE bridge that simply buckled and fell, not only in the Mississippi River, but on top of another highway.