Time to get honest...

So I was home for a couple of days to celebrate Bubba's birthday (more on that later). I told my mom yesterday that we needed to call Jeremey today (Valentines) to see how he and the kids are doing. We got kinda busy and never did.

After birthday celebrations wrapped up tonight, I packed up the good ol' Explorer and headed back to Commerce. As I was driving, I started thinking about Jeremey and the kids. I ended up texting Jeremey to let him know that I was thinking about him and the kids. I had to text him on Margaret's phone though, since that's the phone he is using now. It was weird to see that I was sending a text to her phone, knowing that it's not actually going to her.

And the waterworks turned on. As I drove down 30, I started wondering if he would get the text..and what he would be doing as he got the text....and would he text back? I figured Gretchen and Barton were probably already in bed, so he was just sitting up enjoying the peace and quiet. But was it peaceful for him...spending his first Valentines WITHOUT the love of his life? I can't imagine what that must be like.

Then I started thinking...will I EVER BE OKAY WITH THIS? I mean...really.... I probably break down at least once or twice a week since Margaret has passed away. Every time I think about the kids growing up without their mom, I get a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just don't see how God could do that. I feel like He was on vacation that day...as if that was the ONE DAY that He stepped off the throne. Of course I know this is not true....but it sure feels like it. When I get honest with myself, my heart is asking "How could a loving God STEAL an amazing, loving mother from two YOUNG kids who may never remember their mom?" I hate to admit it, but there are times that I think, "Aren't there plenty of other people who could have died that day instead of her?" It's just not fair.... And yes I know life is not fair...

....but how do I explain that to Gretchen, the four year old darling of a little girl who still thinks mommy is coming home? How do I tell her that Mommy went to go live with Jesus without her thinking that Jesus isn't a good guy? Because that's what happened.... Gretchen was told that Mommy went to live with Jesus and she replied with, "Well then I don't like Jesus..."

It's not fair... and I don't like it..... and I'm pretty angry with God about the whole thing...