Things are looking up...

....for once

I found out today that I will be spending this summer in Minneapolis... WHICH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT! When I got the email with the assignment, I screamed like a lil school girl and did a happy dance before running to tell Lindsay. Told the parentals...mom is stoked for me.. so thats good. Dad...not so much. But he did make a comment tonight that made me a little excited. I told him that once I graduate and have a real job, it wont be like I can come home in the summer anyways, to which he replied, "Who says thats gonna happen?" Naturally, I got defensive and said, "WHAT?! You dont think I will graduate?" "No, I know you will graduate.." "You are worried about me getting a 'real' job, right?" I asked. He confirmed...and by 'real job' he means teaching in the Dallas area. Looks like he might be starting to finally realize that I am NOT just going through a phase..that i REALLY DO want to go to the nations...

my minds-a-going

This week has been insane. One might say it has been a week from Hell. I have had my fair share of breakdowns over the past few days. But one thing that came from it, my mind is going full speed..

Like..do you think God can be absent from only one area of your life? I know there are numerous accounts in scripture where God is completely absent from a person's life. But I have yet to find an instance where God is alive and active in someone's life in all areas but one... So I find myself in this exact predicament and am beginning to lose hope. God is doing so many amazing things in most areas of my life. And I am so thankful for that. But in one, JUST ONE, I don't even feel like He hears me. Can that be true?

I wish I didn't care. Someone, please tell me that at times, you have this exact phrase run through your head, "Man, if I wasn't a Christian, I would definitly....." I have been thinking this alot lately..does that make me a bad person? This surpressed bitterness and anger has recently surfaced, only to make me more bitter and angry.

I am failing to see Christ in this. Scriptures have been pointed out that say things like "God only does this to those He loves," and "Discipline isnt pleasurable, but its worth it in the end."


Well I am tired of hearing that. I want someone to sit with me and say "You are right... this sucks.." I want someone to cry with me.. to hurt with me... to feel as awkward as I do at times. I guess its true that misery loves company. And it is only understandable that noone feels the need to join me in this not-so-pleasant endeavor. Oh well. I guess I will just have to wait "til it gets better."

discipleship... THATS what is lacking

Sitting (or standing, rather) outside of a house tonight in the freezing cold with Zach tonight, we discussed the "GIG" (or small home group) that we had just left. This led to talking about the church. Zach said it best with, "You know what it's missing...DISCIPLESHIP!" He could not have been more right.

As a "church," we say, "Come to us... walk in our 'church' (building) and we will love you. But outside of these walls, we dont know you." We expect people to come to us before we will love them and accept them, and even then, it usually doesnt turn out that way.

We arent called to fill up church pews and make church-goers out of everyone- but to make disciples. Don't get me wrong- Church definitly has its place- but that is not what life is about.

So if we are called to make disciples out of others, why arent we? We have I been spending the last 3 years searching for JUST ONE of the hundreds of churches in Nac that will get me connected with an older woman. I NEED an older woman of Christ. I need her wisdom, her love, her compassion. I need to be able to talk to an older woman in Christ about spiritual matters. I don't have the luxury of talking to my mom about this sort of thing. So I am left talking to my peers all the time. And no, thats not a bad thing..in moderation. But if all I ever go to are ignorant (dont deny it) college kids, that will only do so good....

two days in a row?? NO WAY!

Can a guy and a girl be BFF and all turn out okay?

That seems to be the question of the year. I mean really, I have had good guy friends in the past...but they are still that, the past. None (yet at least) have carried over to the present. But is this just coincidence....or is there a reason?

Obviously there are some things that cannot be shared past the gender lines. Still, so much can be shared and experienced together...but should it? Can it actually be done in a purely platonic way?

I am beginning to think that no, it can not. At some point or another, someone develops feelings for the other. Then, it just gets all awkward and weird...and noone likes that. And let's say that somehow you ARE able to maintain a platonic relationship (of BFF quality) for quite some time. What happens when one of you is in a relationship? Are you able to maintain your friendship with this person and keep a healthy relationship with your significant other? I don't know...

It's all confusing. The whole idea of any kind of relationship with the opposite sex is confusing to me. Maybe that is why I have not been in one (of "significant" value) ever... or had a boy BFF that has lasted...maybe I am going about this all wrong...

Don't be alarmed..

Being back in Nac for almost two weeks now has not turned into what I thought it was going to be.

To say the least, the break was a bit of a spiritual slump for me. Not only was I taking a break from school while at home, I was taking a break from my faith.

And I guess I mistakenly thought that by pulling into my driveway here in Nac, things would automatically get better....Boy was I wrong.

I am having to muster of the discipline to do what I need to do. There have been conversations over the past few nights that can only be described as "God breathed." Things were brought ot my attention, stumbling blocks that I failed to acknowledge.

I thought I was coming back to a church that I just might start going to on a regular basis. Now, I am not so sure. I am back to square one on my outlook on church...Why and where?

Guess we will see where this semester takes me.

new year...new semester...

Back in Nac..and ready to go.... or am I?

I will be the first to admit that I have wasted my Christmas break, and I got called out on it the other day. Do you know how humbling it is to have SOMEONE ELSE tell you that they can tell that you haven't been in the Word as much as you should, or that your prayer life is not where it needs to be??

So what now? I have a week before classes start. Do I speed read the entire Bible? Never get off my knees? I was telling a friend earlier that I do not necessarily like how I ended last semester and the last thing I want to do is start this one off on the same foot. But what did I do to avoid that? NOTHING...

Guess we will see what happens...

random

Being home for the holidays has forced me to do a lot of thinking...most about my family. (And no, this isn't going to be a rant on the fam)

It's a normal thing for the four of us to sit around during this time and talk about memories. The "remember whens" bring back many laughs and smiles, and occasionally, a few tears. So thinking back to these cherished memories, I start thinking of my childhood as a whole.

Now I wasn't raised in a "Christian household." I don't know what it's like to have your parents wake you up for church, much less make you go. I have no idea how to pray with my family outside of our typical blessing over the Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Hard times were just that...hard times..that sucked. And when it was good, it was because we were "lucky"..nothing else...

And tonight, some friends were over and we were watching Nick-at-Nite (thats the cool thing to do on a Saturday night, if you were unaware). Rosanne came on and one of my friends who WAS brought up in a Christian home said "We weren't allowed to watch this when I was young," to which I replied, "We watched this together as a family..." So I start thinking- what all DID we watch as a family? I remember being young and watching rated R movies with the fam. Sex, drugs, violence...all normal television for me. TV shows like Sightings and Married, with Children were regulars for us. But somehow, I turned out okay (at least I think so)

So I wonder, am I just lucky? Or is it really okay to expose kids to so much?

On the Homefront

Day 4 of being in Garland...and I can already feel the insanity overcoming me.

I went to Journey Sunday night. And I liked it...alot. We sang Christmas Carols, but we sang them as worship songs...if that is at all possible. The quaint-ness of the entire setting was nice. I snuck in a few minutes late, after getting quite lost. I did the typical visitor thing and sat in the very back on the end of the row. But afterwards, a couple of people made a point of coming over to chit-chat with me before I did the sly visitor routine and disappeared. I even stayed after a bit to listen in on a budget meeting. Sure, there was some arguing, but it was nice to know that this is a REAL church, one that deals with REAL issues like budget. It was comforting to see that it wasn't some fantasy church that secretly existed in a room within another church.

But the good stuff (insert sarcasm) came when I got home. See, I decided to go to Journey (on my own, mind you) instead of going to our (more so my family's) church for the candlelit Lord's Supper. When I came home, my dad made some rude remark about how I shoud have gone, which I responded with how I wanted to just try out this church.... A few shouts later and amongst the ignorant remarks made, my dad told me that he fears I "may join a cult..."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Since day one, I have known that my dad is not a fan of me being independent... "I will always be his little girl..." So apparently, I am supposed to believe what he believes, pray like he prays, and worhip like he worships, where he worships.

But I have NEVER accused him of doing the wrong thing by singing hymns, wearing a suit and tie to church, or any of that. I simply tell him that thats fine that it works for him, but it doesn't for me. Funny thing is, I was the one that constantly hounded him about coming to church...for a couple of years, before he finally came to visit, and later accepted Christ as his Savior...

There's some irony in this whole situation..and I don't like it. I guess I will turn to my "cult" for answers...

Jesus says that the "Harvest is plentiful..."

Why do we take this as a bad thing? We hear this and automatically have the mindset, "There are so many people out there dying and going to hell..."

But tell a farmer that his "harvest is plentiful"... HES STOKED!

No I am not saying we should be rejoicing because there are so many people suffering in the world...but why not look at it as if there are so many people that are ready to come to Christ.


Dictionary.com defines harvest as:

1. Also, har·vest·ing. the gathering of crops.
2. the season when ripened crops are gathered.
3. a crop or yield of one growing season.
4. a supply of anything gathered at maturity and stored:


so if you "harvest" a crop once it's good and ready...doesn't it only make sense to say that there are so many people out there that are ready and willing to be "harvested?"

Long ....but worth reading (in my opinion)

Still reading Organic Church...Still loving it

Here's a little for you to nibble on...

"If any ONE Christian alive today were to lead just one person to Christ every year and disciple that person so that he or she would, in turn, do the same the next year, it would take only about thirty-five years to reach the entire world for Christ! But it could be even closer than that. If every Christian alive today were to reproduce in the same way, the world would be won to Christ in the next two to four years....Christianity is always just one generation away from extinction. If we fail to reproduce ourselves and pass the torch of life into the hands of the next generation, Christianity will be over within just one generation. Yet because of the power of multiplication, we are also one generation away from worldwide fulfillment of the Great Commission. The choice is ours."


I mean...come on...REALLY?!?! What are we sitting around for?


I also got another bit of insight on the Lord's Supper... never heard this before. Still not sure what I think...tell me your opinion...

So in the book, it says how the Church has "taken and 'sanctified' them (symbolic exercises) to the extent that only the ordained can conduct them and they are performed only in the sanctity of church halls behind stained-glass windows. We even instruct unbelievers not to participate in the communion (which is a restriction not actually found in the Bible).

Hm...that's interesting... So I looked at the notes in the back of the book ... which say...

"The actual warning not to take the elements of communion 'in an unworthy manner' (1 Cor. 11:27-32) is for church members who are abusing the Lord's Supper for personal gain at the expense of others. It is clear that the discipline accompanying taking the supper in an unworthy manner is directed toward Christians, as Paul explains that this very punishment is one thing that seperates us from the condemnation of the world (v. 32). There is no mention that this applies in any way to unbelievers who are already under a strict judgement for sin, or as Paul says, 'condemnation.' When we do take the communion as Jesus intended, we 'proclaim His death until He comes' (1 Cor 11:26). Even in the very first communion, when Jesus gave us the example to follow in rememberance of Him, he clearly did not exclude the unbeliever who was at the table (Luke 22:14-23; John 13:10-11)."


Just something to think about

Tried a lil something new

So it's my last Sunday in Nac this semester...sounds like a perfect day to go to a brand new church...right?

Well maybe today wasn't the the most logical day to try a new church, but I did it anyways. I went to the Vineyard here in the good ol Nac-o-plex...

...And I loved it! Let me give you a brief run down of "church."

10 - continental breakfast
10:30 - worship
11 - coffee break for more fellowship
11:15 sermon


I loved it. Even if I already said it, I will say it again... I REALLY liked this church. It seemed like what a church should be than any other place I have been to. When we walked in, we were cheerfully greeted, but not overbearingly so. We got some breakfast and headed to the worship room/big room/whatever it is called. We sat at a table (who would have thought....tables in a "sanctuary"?!?!) More and more people came up to talk to us.

As I sat back to just watch and take it all in, I noticed a few things that made this church stand out. First, there were people there that would NOT fit in, much less feel comfortable in any other church. They weren't wearing matching clothes, their hair wasn't a "done" as it could have been, and there were a few that I wondered when the last time they washed their hair was.... But I loved that part of it!!

Also, the people greeted each other like family they hadn't seen in years. Big hugs, even between the men! An honest, "How are you doing? How is (whatever) going in your life?" They REALLY care about each other.

Then, my favorite part of the whole thing.... during the "coffee break," there were about 10 people who went outside for a smoke break.... REALLY?? I have never seen this done before? People smoking two feet away from the church? I admit, I at first had the (now shameful) thought of " WHAT ARE THEY DOING?!? YOU CANT DO THAT!!" but then I realized... yes they can.. they love Jesus just like I do.

Maybe that's where I will start going on a regular basis. I am not sure that being a junior in college and STILL church hopping in the best thing to do....

ramblings

I just wrote out a whole blog and realized it made no sense at all... so I deleted it.

There is so much running through my mind right now, that it all runs together....coming out completely jumbled and making no sense to anyone, even me.

Here's one thing whirling around in my head lately...

All through jr high and high school, I got along with my parents pretty well. Sure, we had arguments now and again, but I definitly never really rebelled. I think it's hitting me now... I am a late bloomer in a sense.

They drive me crazy. I won't lie, I am not totally pumped about going home for Christmas. The idea of chilling with my family for a WHOLE MONTH makes me quiver.

I came to this conclusion after our mini-vacation to the deer lease over Thanksgiving, which wasn't deemed successful in my eyes. And on my way back to Nac, I thought about all of my friends who were so excited to go home and hang out with their family. And here I am, stoked about driving back to Nac, to get away from them. This is what crossed my mind, "I am a horrible person...I don't love my family like everyone else..What is wrong with me?" I have been dwelling on this conclusion for the past couple of weeks

Until a couple of days ago... I realized, I am going through this stage now, where most people went through it earlier in life. I LOVE to argue with my parents. I INTENTIONALLY run late to things with them, because I know they are so anal about time. I LOVE to drive them crazy. Sure, I may not admit that at the time, but sitting down and thinking about it, I realize that I do. I know that I will come out of this stage at some point...not that I know when. And really, I hope it is sooner rather than later, for my own sake.

In fact, it would be nice if I could come out of this stage within the next week, before I head back for Christmas

Organic Church

So I began a new book this weekend and I like it...ALOT. Its called Organic Church. I just kinda gazed by it while at the Nac Public Library. I would suggest you read it..

But early on, it makes some amazing statements.

For instance....why do we call non-believers the "unchurched?" Since when does going to church make you a beleiver anyways? He says it so well when he says, "We expect people to come to church in order to come to Christ, and the people of the world want nothing to do with church. We are so obsessed with our religious club that we actually identify those who do not have a relationship with Jesus as the unchurched."

This book is about taking church where the people are...not expecting them to come to you..which makes sense.

He also says in the book, "If you want to win this world to Christ, you are going to have to sit in the smoking section. That is where lost people are found, and if you make them put their cigarette out to hear the message they will be thinking about only one thing: 'When can I get another cigarette?'"

Is this not completely true? Maybe I am just going off on this whole "hoarding the light" business...

"too deep"

Is it possible to have "too deep" of a conversation? Just throwing that out there...

hoarding the light

this kind of goes along with the previous post....

you may remember this...either way, watch it again...

alot

This week has been quite eventful. Alot has been on my mind.

I have been reading through the Gospels...and you know how Jesus talks to the "sinners" sometimes, telling them what they are doing. I mean, I am sure Jesus had a "tone," if you know what I mean. We were talking in my small group tonight, do you think we can talk to people like that? I guess...kinda like call them out? I don't know...

I have also been thinking about Heaven. After talking to Allie a little about it, I started wondering about relationships in Heaven. In Matthew 23ish, Jesus basically says that you aren't married in Heaven. So if that relationship doesn't carry over, which ones do, if any? I heard someone say today, when we were discussing this, that she knows of a lady that gets sad sometimes, because she knows that when she sees her dad in Heaven (who is already there), their relationship won't be the same. It will be a brother-sister relationship...I am not sure what exactly I think about all of this....

Tonight, a group of us were at Whataburger. Anyone here in Nac knows that after midnight, the only 2 fast food restaurants open are Taco Bell and Whataburger and it is during this time that more drunk people step through the doors than sober people. Well tonight was a typical night. And in walked in a girl, who was slightly scantily clad. Basically, she was coming out of the top of her shirt...if you know what I mean. And what did most of us 8 believers do? Giggle. Joke. Mock. Laugh. Point. Snicker.

Notice that we didn't love. We didn't care. We didn't hurt. Is this not hoarding the light? Is this what Christ would have us to do? I am not saying that we should run up and give her a great big hug while shouting, "HALLELUJAH!! JESUS LOVES YOU!" But why not simple make eye contact? Or simply smile? How about this...remember her...pray for her... let that be a realization that there IS life outside of the BSM or your group of Christian friends. Let your heart be broken for God's people that He loves, they just don't realize it.

I was also thinking about the church... which seems to be the hot topic lately. Now here in good ol' Nacogdoches, I may not have found a church that I feel completely cozy at. But I need to be serving somewhere. God has given me this time in my life to use for Him. I have read many of books that say that with this "season of singleness," I need to run with it. Now I am living the life with no big responsibilities, noone else to take care of, or anything else of the "real world," so why am I not serving more? I love to sit back and talk. Talk about Heaven...talk about the church...talk about what Jesus was like...whatever...But what am I DOING?! not enough...

Beach Reach '06

GET EXCITED!!!! BEACH REACH 07!!

What I learned while deer hunting

Thursday, Thanksgiving, my family and I rushed through our Thanksgiving Lunch, as normal. We then headed back to the house before heading out to the deer lease. This is the traditional Thanksgiving for my family, rushing through a meal so they can get on the road. The only difference this year is that I joined them on this journey to the deer lease, where in years past, I stay home.

The deer lease was four hours away, in West Texas somewhere. We were there for four days...shoot me now.

My family thought I couldn't deal with the whole no shower, potty in the woods, sleeping in a nasty camp. That didn't bother me. What did was that THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.. I was bored out of my mind.

But with all this extra time I had while sitting and staring at the campsite, I came to many realizations.

1. I REALLY am ADD. I can't sit still. I can't be quiet for three hours. I can't sit for hours with nothing to do.

2. I am not as big of a fan of my family as everyone else is with theirs..if that makes sense. It seems that all of my friends absolutely LOVE their family. Don't get me wrong, my family is great and all. But stick me with them for four days non-stop, and I am pretty annoyed. It got to the point that EVERYTHING they did got on my nerves.

3. Another realization, which definitly wasn't and amazing feeling, was that I don't have much in common with my family. I want to talk about things that they don't care to listen to. That's a bummer...

4. When you the only place you can pee is in the woods, it makes you second guess yourself everytime you get an urge to go potty.

5. Five shots of tequila are a little much before going out with a gun. No this isn't from personal experience. My dad's best friend had a bit to drink before going out for the afternoon hunt.

Though there were many other realizations from the week. I think it will just be awhile before I head out to the deer lease again....

to and from nac..in 24 hours?

I don't know why, but for one reason or another, I came home Saturday night, only to return to Nac for ONE MEASY CLASS today. Once the class was done, I packed up and headed back home.

Driving 3 hours both ways...in less that 24 hours? On any other occasion, this would have been the worst mistake of my life, but it worked out. My best friend, Liz, came along for the ride.

I don't know if the drive has ever seemed any shorter or meaningful. We talked to whole time, to and from.

But it was the conversation that we had tonight that really got my brain-a-going. We were talking about random relationships...people we knew that we dating...people we knew that were married...you get my drift. We started talking about how we "could never see ourselves in a relationship right now..." Then, I asked "Is that true...or are we bitter?" After talking, we decided against the whole bitter thing (but this comes up later) and admitted to each other, and more importantly, to ourselves, that yes, we get lonely sometimes. This was us "boasting in our weaknesses," as Paul urges us to do. After a brief awkward silence, I said, "But maybe that's it...God wants us to go to Him when we are lonely, not seek for someone else..." Why had this thought JUST NOW come to my mind?

Bitterness was another topic of the night. We discussed past situations that, to our surprise, we are still a little bitter about. I admit, talking about this things was like opening an old wound that had not quite healed. After talking about it and REALLY listening to myself, I realized that I had hurt and bitterness built up from FOUR YEARS AGO towards some people. And that has hindered me, in ways I can't even imagine. But I have decided that I am tired of holding onto something I didnt even know I was still clutching. I am going to write a letter to these people.

Well this only led me to think...well who else do I need to make amends with? Who doesn't even know we are at odds?

I am glad that I am home for the next few days. I am even more stoked about going to the deer lease Thursday thru Saturday. I plan on using this time as a mini-retreat... Time for me to think...pray..listen to what God has to say...

and maybe write a few letters...

Job 11

I am pretty much camped out in Job 11 right now. So much of what is on my heart is expressed in this chapter.

verses 5 and 6 say...
Oh, how I wish that God would speak, that he would open his lips against you and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, or true wisdom has two sides.

This whole praying continually thing... I won't lie.. I suck at it. I battle pretty much everyday. Sure, I am used to talking with God on a daily basis...but going to Him about the SAME DANG THING EVERYDAY FOR WELL OVER A MONTH NOW?!?!? come on! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am getting frustrated. No need to beat around the bush, right? I am wondering WHERE THE HECK GOD IS IN ALL OF THIS... but it's good to know that someone else dealt with this too..

verses 7 thru 9 say...
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.


I absolutely LOVE that God is a mystery...I love that I can't figure Him out. Knowing that I won't ever figure God out completely, or heck, even somewhat, makes me fall in love with Him even more. I love to sit and think... question things...And no, it doesn't mean I am less of a believer because of this questioning. Because it is a result of all of this pondering that I am going to God about so many things...learning more about Him...and in turn, falling more and more in love with Him. And THAT'S what I want my life to be about...knowing that God is a mystery, but somehow, I continue to know Him more and more...