Beach Reach '06

GET EXCITED!!!! BEACH REACH 07!!

What I learned while deer hunting

Thursday, Thanksgiving, my family and I rushed through our Thanksgiving Lunch, as normal. We then headed back to the house before heading out to the deer lease. This is the traditional Thanksgiving for my family, rushing through a meal so they can get on the road. The only difference this year is that I joined them on this journey to the deer lease, where in years past, I stay home.

The deer lease was four hours away, in West Texas somewhere. We were there for four days...shoot me now.

My family thought I couldn't deal with the whole no shower, potty in the woods, sleeping in a nasty camp. That didn't bother me. What did was that THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO.. I was bored out of my mind.

But with all this extra time I had while sitting and staring at the campsite, I came to many realizations.

1. I REALLY am ADD. I can't sit still. I can't be quiet for three hours. I can't sit for hours with nothing to do.

2. I am not as big of a fan of my family as everyone else is with theirs..if that makes sense. It seems that all of my friends absolutely LOVE their family. Don't get me wrong, my family is great and all. But stick me with them for four days non-stop, and I am pretty annoyed. It got to the point that EVERYTHING they did got on my nerves.

3. Another realization, which definitly wasn't and amazing feeling, was that I don't have much in common with my family. I want to talk about things that they don't care to listen to. That's a bummer...

4. When you the only place you can pee is in the woods, it makes you second guess yourself everytime you get an urge to go potty.

5. Five shots of tequila are a little much before going out with a gun. No this isn't from personal experience. My dad's best friend had a bit to drink before going out for the afternoon hunt.

Though there were many other realizations from the week. I think it will just be awhile before I head out to the deer lease again....

to and from nac..in 24 hours?

I don't know why, but for one reason or another, I came home Saturday night, only to return to Nac for ONE MEASY CLASS today. Once the class was done, I packed up and headed back home.

Driving 3 hours both ways...in less that 24 hours? On any other occasion, this would have been the worst mistake of my life, but it worked out. My best friend, Liz, came along for the ride.

I don't know if the drive has ever seemed any shorter or meaningful. We talked to whole time, to and from.

But it was the conversation that we had tonight that really got my brain-a-going. We were talking about random relationships...people we knew that we dating...people we knew that were married...you get my drift. We started talking about how we "could never see ourselves in a relationship right now..." Then, I asked "Is that true...or are we bitter?" After talking, we decided against the whole bitter thing (but this comes up later) and admitted to each other, and more importantly, to ourselves, that yes, we get lonely sometimes. This was us "boasting in our weaknesses," as Paul urges us to do. After a brief awkward silence, I said, "But maybe that's it...God wants us to go to Him when we are lonely, not seek for someone else..." Why had this thought JUST NOW come to my mind?

Bitterness was another topic of the night. We discussed past situations that, to our surprise, we are still a little bitter about. I admit, talking about this things was like opening an old wound that had not quite healed. After talking about it and REALLY listening to myself, I realized that I had hurt and bitterness built up from FOUR YEARS AGO towards some people. And that has hindered me, in ways I can't even imagine. But I have decided that I am tired of holding onto something I didnt even know I was still clutching. I am going to write a letter to these people.

Well this only led me to think...well who else do I need to make amends with? Who doesn't even know we are at odds?

I am glad that I am home for the next few days. I am even more stoked about going to the deer lease Thursday thru Saturday. I plan on using this time as a mini-retreat... Time for me to think...pray..listen to what God has to say...

and maybe write a few letters...

Job 11

I am pretty much camped out in Job 11 right now. So much of what is on my heart is expressed in this chapter.

verses 5 and 6 say...
Oh, how I wish that God would speak, that he would open his lips against you and disclose to you the secrets of wisdom, or true wisdom has two sides.

This whole praying continually thing... I won't lie.. I suck at it. I battle pretty much everyday. Sure, I am used to talking with God on a daily basis...but going to Him about the SAME DANG THING EVERYDAY FOR WELL OVER A MONTH NOW?!?!? come on! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am getting frustrated. No need to beat around the bush, right? I am wondering WHERE THE HECK GOD IS IN ALL OF THIS... but it's good to know that someone else dealt with this too..

verses 7 thru 9 say...
"Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?
They are higher than the heavens—what can you do? They are deeper than the depths of the grave —what can you know? Their measure is longer than the earth and wider than the sea.


I absolutely LOVE that God is a mystery...I love that I can't figure Him out. Knowing that I won't ever figure God out completely, or heck, even somewhat, makes me fall in love with Him even more. I love to sit and think... question things...And no, it doesn't mean I am less of a believer because of this questioning. Because it is a result of all of this pondering that I am going to God about so many things...learning more about Him...and in turn, falling more and more in love with Him. And THAT'S what I want my life to be about...knowing that God is a mystery, but somehow, I continue to know Him more and more...

Church bashing....err..

Why is church bashing so easy to do?

James 4:12 says "But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"

A few of us met yesterday for a conversation about the "generative community of people struggleing together in their faith journey could look like here in Nacogdoches."

I thought it went relatively well...for a bit

But somewhere along the way, it turned into church bashing...which wasn't the goal set in our minds.

Landon said it so well when he said something to the effect of "not just 'righting the wrongs' because that would be making the assumption that we are right, and everyone else is wrong." I really thought this was a brilliant statement

Because they aren't wrong. My parents attend a traditional southern Baptist church...hymns, organs, definitly no drums, the occasional fire and brimstone sermon, deacons have way too much power, suits and ties for men, dresses for the girls, etc. But my parents aren't wrong, and neither are the other people of that church. It took me a long time to come to this realization, but I am glad that I have. Because yes, people DO worship like this. I may not be able to, but there are plenty of people that do. God is active in their lives just as much as He is in mine. It's not like I am doing it the ONLY RIGHT way...

Basically, everyone has been burnt by a church at some point. But the church is made of people...humans... who screw up. It's what we do.

Life is better..

I did something a couple of nights ago that I have never done before...I told someone else how I feel, in all honesty. I was terrified. I was nauseous. I said a few choice words in preparation. But when it was all over and done with, I felt alot better.

The next day, I finished lcasses and headed to the park. I was supposed to meet a friend, but she ended up not being able to make it. I decided to stay and just swing. Before long, I was swinging as high as I could, looking up to the sky with a little grin on my face. There were a three bagpipe players walking around the park, continually playing Amazing Grace.

I left the park that day thinking, "This is what life is about."

God didn't intend for me to carry around burdens for weeks on end. Life is better with honesty.

God is about enjoying the sun and the clouds and the trees. Life is better when you sit and take in the nature around you.

God is about swinging as high as you can, then laying back at those high points and relaxing. Life is better when you take time to swing, and swing high.

God is glorified when we continue to reflect on His grace. Life is better when you can enjoy bagpipe players playing Amazing Grace.




This week has had its ups and downs, like any other week. But I thank God that I was able to take some time to just be with Him, reflect on what life should be like, and praise Him for all of it.

Welcome to the Springs!

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to be a part of something new and exciting...

Joel, my former youth pastor and the man I have interned under, has felt God's call to start a new church in the Murphy/Plano area. I have been lucky enough to see it from the very super early stages. Seeing his core group meet and plan things all throughout the summer was encouraging. As block parties took place and flyers were being handed out door to door in the neighborhood, excitement built.

Meeting weekly in a home was where it all started. I admire this. I like the idea of small house churches.

This Sunday was their first "Preview Service." It met, like most church plants, in a local school. We all went up there Saturday night to set up. What I thought was going to be an "informational meeting" was actually manual labor. Chairs, screens, sound equipment, tents for the childrens area...all of it had to be set up.

As Sunday morning came, anticipation was all over. Greeters were strategically placed. The aroma of Starbucks coffee filled the air. Heck, I even got to wear a cool bright orange vest (it went with the theme...promise) for heading up the childrens worship. As families began to file in, contacts were made, smiles were given, excitement was everywhere...

And I loved every second of it... Just the idea of being part of something new...something exciting. I feel like I have learned alot just being an onlooker of Joel's amazing progress with The Springs. And I think I realized that I want to do this at some point. I want to be a part of a church plant. When? I don't know...maybe sooner rather than later???

some things never change

So I am at home, Garland, for the weekend...

And I must say, it gets weirder and weirder everytime I come home, and I am not sure why...

There's a really lame country song that says something about "you're always seventeen in your hometown..."

Could this be anymore true?

Liz and I talked about this for a long time last night. As for me and all of my friends in good ol G-town, we have all grown up, grown apart...and not that thats a bad thing, its just natural. But where it gets weird is when we all come home for a weekend and hang out. No matter how much we have changed, how our lives are different..we always revert back to the person we were a couple of years ago, during our "glory days." Those were the days when we, as a group of friends, were together at all times. We were corny, stupid, and immature.

It seems like it takes me alot longer to transition back to that. The rest of my friends can snap back so quickly, it almost creeps me out. Why can't I do that? I look back to where I was a few years ago and see someone completely different than who I am now. But because these people were such an important part of my life during that awkward time and not so much now, I feel I must revert back to that... and its really weird.

Is this what life is going to be like for the rest of my life? Getting together with a group of friends after a few years and transforming myself into who I once was. I don't know if I like that....and even worse, I don't know how to change that...

Plans

For as long as I can remember, I have had my life planned out.

Go to college, graduate in four years, get married to prince charming shortly after, teach somewhere in dallas, have kids, live happily ever after

It seems that within the past month, all of that has been turned upside down...and oddly enough, I like it.

Though it still looks like I will graduate in four years, I am trying to figure out a way to prolong that.

And what after that?...Who knows??

I sat at the A-frame tonight talking about it with Sam...about maybe spending a couple of years teaching English in China...spending some time in Uganda....doing some type of internship for a couple of years at a BSM... go to seminary...be a Journeyman.

Basically, I have absolutely NO idea what I will do after I graduate...I don't even KNOW what I want to do...

And the scary part about all of this...I like it this way

Unnecessary Umbrella

Anyone that lives in Nacogdoches knows of the horrible downpour we had for a couple of days this week.

After a class one day, I walked out of the building and without eve thinking, opened up my umbrella with the assumption that it was still raining. After about ten minutes of walking, I realized that nope, it wasn't raining. How embarrassing! I shamefully put up my umbrella, hoping noone had seen me and thought I was the "special kid..."

Then I started thinking... How often do I "put up my umbrella" too quickly? How much do I protect myself from? What am I missing out on while hiding under my "umbrella?"

Considering this past weeks events and the most-horrible-day-ever that fell somewhere in there, I couldn't help but feel like I am over-protected. I had always known that my parents are pretty over-protective, but the thought had never crossed my mind that I am actually over-protective of myself. Is this how God intended it? I feel like I am missing out on somethings.

So I am making a vow...to step out... unprotected...live it up. But I won't lie, I will probably ALWAYS have my "umbrella" not far behind.

Psalm 13

Man... Alot going on...so much is on my heart..and running through my mind

I am sitting here in the library, actually getting work done (shocker...I know). I sit here all alone (another shocker) for the first time in a while. I like the stillness, the quiet, the rest. But I only enjoy these moments for a bit, because after the initial "oohh...ahhh.." feeling wears off, the mind starts going. This is where I currently stand.

The ramblings of my mind turn into prayer, asking God to take away a struggle I have been dealing with for what seems like forever. I admit, I was beginning to think God was not going to handle it. Just when this thought entered my mind, I got an immediate response.

With my Itunes on shuffle, Shane and Shane came on singing Psalm 13, which says:

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.


Really? Do I really think God will hide from me forever? Is He hiding his face from me right now?

Then I keep hearing " I will wait for you..." over and over in my ears

And my prayer of questioning and selfishness turns to obedience and patience.

So I will wait on God. I have faith that He will deliver me... So I'm just waiting

Muslim dinner

The newly founded Muslim Student Association hosted their traditional Ramadan breaking of the fast dinner, or Iftar, last night. It was an open meeting for "anyone interested in Islam."

Me and a couple of friends decided to go. No, we had no intentions of getting in an arguing match or converting them. We simply wanted to learn more.

I was highly disappointed and broken-hearted, to say the least.

We walked in (late, which is how we roll), and I was quickly astounded by the turnout. It was about half Muslims, half Christians. I was nervous from the start.

After a traditional meal from Pakinstan (which I only had two small nibbles), the Muslims gathered in a nearby room for prayer. They allowed those of us that do not practice to observe their prayer. I stood in the doorway in shock. I had seen Muslim prayers on TV and such, but never in person. One man was in front, leading. He would say something (in Arabic of course) and everyone else would repeat. I couldn't help but question if some of the people even knew what they were saying.

Once the prayer was concluded, we went back in the original room for a question and answer time. They explained their prayers, five pillars, and many other things. Then the floor was opened for us to ask whatever was on our minds. Of course, it was all of us "Christians" that were asking questions.

I started pretty good... with simple, informative questions.Then, it seemed like it turned into an "us vs. them" rhetoric. I was so disappointed.

But then, my heart broke. The Muslims response to this attack? "We worship the same God. It is just that we call him Allah..." They even mentioned that they believe in Jesus...that He was a prophet..."

But its NOT the same God...NOT the same Jesus

One guy, a recent Muslim convert, stood up and proceded to give his testimony. He had apparently "tried the Christian thing..but it didnt work." He later went on to explain that once he converted "Islam began to fill a hole that Christianity never could.." Why? because "the fear of judgement for bad things I do keeps him from doing those bad things."

I can't imagine living in that fear... fear of where I stand with God...whether or not I have done enough good deeds to get into one of the higher levels of heaven, or get in at all.

And what do we do as Christians about all of this? We attack them.

I couldn't help but leave with my head hanging...

a little of this..

So I took a "spiritual types test" and this is what I got..

A Lover..

You are a Lover, a feeling type, whose spirituality comes primarily from the heart or emotions. You value freedom, independence, and spontaneity. Along with your gift of enthusiasm, you show us how to have fun and appreciate beauty. More than any other type, you know how to experience joy. This puts you in a unique position to experience God in the moment, to revel in what is happening around you, and to be in the present tense.
To Lovers, God is a nurturing parent. Prayer for you is often extemporaneous, speaking to God about what is on your heart at the moment. Music moves you deeply; so does heartfelt preaching and worship. You believe that real faith must be shared. Consequently, many Lovers are interested in missions or in spreading the Gospel through the media. You are passionate about holy living.
On the other hand, a Lover's impulsive behavior can get you in trouble. You sometimes focus on satisfying immediate desires to the detriment of investing in longer term needs. You have been known to exude a "holier-than-thou" attitude toward other spiritual types. That does not endear you to us. Guard against thinking that to be right everyone else must share a spiritual experience similar to yours. You also may need permission to acknowledge anger, disappointment, sadness, and doubt, and to allow yourself to be less than ideal.



************

This is quite true, which scares me a little.


Wow.. God has done so much, just within the last 48 hours. He tore down walls within a friendship that have been in place for two years. He mended a broken relationship. He encouraged me in being joyful...

Have you ever heard of Churchrater.com? Its a website simply for rating church services....interesting.. or the EbayAtheist??

I feel like I am learning so much, and I love it

Thank goodness He knows what He's up to

Roller Coaster

I can not even begin to describe what this last week has been like. God has something up His sleeve...I know it.

It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.

God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.

I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?

God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.

And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?

At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...

I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.

And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...

I knew God was up to something...and He still is

Weekend Excursion

Whelp...went home this weekend...for my birthday was well as my mom's..

But really, I wanted to ask my parents, face-to-face, about bringing home a couple of my Chinese friends for Thanksgiving so they could experience it (for the first time), and not have to stay here in Nac. I also wanted to ask them if they had been praying about the whole missions thing, like I pleaded them to do when I met them at Focus.

Friday night comes...Though I have plans for a birthday party at 6 with some friends, I stick around to have dinner with the family, like the good ol' days. This was also going to be, what I thought, my best opportunity to lay it all out there.

First I asked about the Thanksgiving thing. I got laughed at. But I was like..ehh..okay... no big deal.. let's see what they think about the missions..

When I asked, they asked for more info, which I kindly explained was in the packet I had given them a month ago. Where was this packet? They had no idea. I started to get frustrated, but I asked, hoping for the best, "Well have you thought about it or prayed at all about it?" All I got were blank stares. I was so hurt. I thought that since this was such a big deal to me, it would be a big deal to them.

Now I know my parents don't understand missions, and much less want me going to China. But I REALLY tried to convey to them what a big deal this was to me when I met with them a month ago. I left the dinner table to go to the party in tears.

I think what I don't understand for the most part is that I really am ALOT different than my parents. And all growing up, I looked at them, wanting to be them...and now, I'm not...and I am perfectly happy with that...

I just wish they were too...

emergent...emerging?

I think I may be starting a "Landon-like" blog...and no, that is not necessarily a bad thing. Check out this video I found. Over the past month or so, I have been doing A WHOLE LOT of research and had a lot of interest in the Emergent Church. I have had many conversations with many people about this.. This is just something I found...Let me know what you think...

What does the future hold?

I knew the day would come when I realized that taking 20 hours along with doing an overload of everything else would be too much.

It's just too bad that that "day" has turned into several.

I had a slight breakdown today while in one of my horrendous early childhood classes (and no, these AREN'T easy classes...). I had forgotten one of the THREE assignments that were due today. That's when I opened up my planner, looked at everything I had going on, and was forced to remind myself to breathe.

And I think it really hit me...I don't want to do this. I don't want to teach for the rest of my life. Is that so wrong? Now I know that those words are "of the devil," if said in the education building. And I think that even for a while, I couldn't even believe that something that I had dreamed of being my entire life, a teacher, was no longer what my heart wanted.

I first felt God's tugging on my heart a few years ago. He really pressed ministry upon my heart. But I pushed it deep down and hoped that the few people I had told, that they would forget about it.

Until last spring. God shook me around and said HELLO! And I heard Him loud and clear. But I could not imagine giving up my childhood dream of becoming a teacher.

But God knew that I wouldn't be able to give up my dream on my own...so He changed my heart. Though I still love kids, I don't really have a heart for teaching them anymore. I know that God has called me to something different..something in the church...something with young people, and I am so stoked to continue to seek out what He has planned.

So what now? It looks like I will keep persuing a degree in education...there's pretty much no turning back now. And besides...I'll need that lovely piece of paper with "Bachelors of Science" on it in order to go to seminary...

The thought for the day... as found on google..

Perhaps nature is our best assurance of immortality.--Eleanor Roosevelt

Everything in nature contributes to something else--like the hundred-year-old tree that stood tall until a wind storm. The protection it gave to thousands of birds and squirrels it now gives to insects and fungi. As it slowly decays, it nourishes the ground, and from the enriched soil grow several other trees. We human beings are part of this eternal cycle, our ideas and actions enriching those around us and influencing generations yet to come. Being part of this vast plan gives us comfort, and faith that everything that happens is meant to be. Our hearts fill with joy with the knowledge that we are needed; just as every tree is needed.

How do I fit into nature's plan today?

Well that's quite a heavy question if I don't say so myself.

I rode around the streets of Nac tonight with two of my very best friends, reminiscing about good times. The "remember whens" flooded the conversations.

And I realized.. HOLY COW..I really have changed alot! But I think its a good thing..no..I KNOW its a good thing.

It's a good thing that two years ago, I had relationships that I don't have no. Same goes with now..its a good thing that I have some relationships now that I didn't have two years ago.

I've screwed up, I'll admit. And I can garuantee that I will screw up again..and again. But I know that its "all in natures plan.." which in my mind, means God's up to something, which I am all for

accountability

I have been thinking alot lately...about alot of things...

I sat down with two very close friends last night and broke some barriers with them. As the three of us sat together last night, doing our usual "studying," the subject of accountability came up. One of them asked how come, even though we are amazingly close friends, we still can not seem to be 100 percent honest with one another about our struggles and our weaknesses.

The way my response easily rolled off my tongue scared me a little in afterthought. I quickly replied, "Because we are girls and we are evil. We think no matter who the other girl is, we are in competition with them."

Scary...but true.

Even if I trust someone immensely, I still feel incredibly threatened when accountability comes up. Because accountability requires honesty. And honesty requires trust.

But do I have any?

I said that some barriers were broken...and they were. After we agreed on the fact that this, though a true statement, was a stupid and petty one, I posed the question, "So what IS your biggest struggle or weakness right now?"

Silence overcame all of us. We avoided eye contact for what seemed like hours.

After some awkard giggles, one of us started...and each one of us followed.

It was incredible to be able to boast in my weaknesses, just as Christ says to do. Before we left, we decided that we would pray for each other. We each expressed one way that the others could pray for us throughout the week.

It truly was an incredible night. I left feeling humbled, uplifted, and encouraged. I had two other people that knew my struggles and I knew theirs. I knew I could be honest with them just like they could be honest with me.

Why did it take me so long to get to this point?

International affair

God is good.. as if thats not apparent..

A few weeks ago, I came to a Thursday night at the BSM with a "holy expectation." Chris and Katie and I had been talking earlier that day about what having a "holy expectation" means... and how we when we come to worship expecting to meet with God, not only will we meet with Him, but He will surpass any expectation we have.

That night, as I stood in the back during the first worship set, I saw five Chinese guys walk in. Seeing as the BSM is 99.99% percent white, I won't lie, they stood out. I went over and introduced myself and invited them to have a seat with me.

Luo, the leader of the pack, sat beside me, and while Chris was on stage giving his spill about something that I am sure pertained to Jesus, Luo leaned over and asked if we had a small group for non-believers. He went on to explain that he was a believer, but the other four guys aren't...this started an amazing relationship...

These five guys, Luo, Raymond, Jayson, Henry, and Bill, have come to the BSM pretty much everytime its open. They have brought some other friends with them, like Lily, Lemon, Lee, Cee Cee, and on occasion, Suoy.

I have developed and incredible friendship with everyone of these people. They are all international students, having only been here since a couple of days before classes started. Through their broken English and some hardcore patience, I have had some of the most amazing conversations with these new friends.

I dont know if I have ever met anyone that was seeking as much as a couple of them are.

Every time I see them, everything else that I am stressed about goes away. We have our inside jokes. They are a sassy and hilarious group of people. God has given me such a heart for these people. I love sitting with them, discussing Chinese culture and hearing how they were brought up. Lily even gave me a Chinese name, Ya Ya...

These new friends of mine warm my heart. Not a day goes by that I dont think about them and stop to pray for them. I pray that God would reveal Himself to them in a way that they cannot deny. I also pray that they would see Christ through me, as well as all the other amazing people that have befriended them.

So next time you see a big group of Chinese international students, stop and say "hey!" And ask Jayson when the last time he had a hamburger was!