Roller Coaster

I can not even begin to describe what this last week has been like. God has something up His sleeve...I know it.

It's been one heck of a roller coaster. Emotions have been on overdrive, yet somehow, constrained.

God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE roommate.

I sat on the roof of the A frame tonight, going back and forth between gazing at the stars and getting hypnotized by the flames of the fire. Then, out of nowhere, I started to cry. As I laid there, I began to speak out loud to God...praising Him for ALLOWING ME TO QUESTION HIM! .... say what? Did I really just say that?

God is shown me so much lately, and I think the most amazing thing is that I CAN QUESTION HIM... its okay to not know everything. I have never in my life wanted to devour the scripture more. I can not seem to stop reading commentaries...going to see what things actually mean in Hebrew or Greek, then questioning if what I have always been taught is actually the intended message.

And through all of this questioning, I have grown stronger in Him... but it has seemed that by growing stronger in Him, I have grown weaker in others. Is that normal?

At the fall retreat, the question was posed "Who are you most honest with? Who do you feel like you do not have to impress?" Well crap...I don't know. It seems that to some extent, I have to impress everyone in some way. So what I realize I have done is spread out my life among a few people, telling some people some parts, and other people other parts... but noone that I can be "me" with... and I don't like that...

I have so many things I want to talk about...things I want to seek others' opinion on... but I don't feel like I can. I have questions... wonders... praises...discoveries... all of which I want to share with someone.

And this is where my amazing roommate comes in... God literally delivered her to the roof tonight at the right time, I have no doubt. She peeked out the window and simply asked if she could join. After she got situated next to me, I spilled my guts... tears...all of it. And I felt relieved...

I knew God was up to something...and He still is