Looking back on this year, I think it is fair to say that is has been a little rough in terms of ministry. This has been my third year to be on "leadership" at the BSM. I think it has also been the toughest.

I am probably not alone in this overall reflection of the past year. In fact, I know I am not. There are a few people that have chosen to not return to a leadership role within the ministry simply because "this year did not go as they wanted." Dually noted.

But this is the time when the REAL leaders step up. Now is when people with true leadership abilities continue to fight for the ministry. If you don't like it, do something about it. Don't just jump ship.

It is a beautiful day. I could not ask for a more gloriously gorgeous afternoon to spend out here on the hammock.

So here I am, spending my Sunday afternoon chilling in the hammock.

I was writing a letter, one that I have been putting for a while, one that is incredibly hard to write out. However, I am praying it will bring healing. I feel that in the last year or so, that is all I have been yearning for...healing.

I had just started writing the most difficult part of this particular letter. In doing so, I am making myself so incredibly vulnerable. Just seeing it all on paper makes the pain increase. I feel as if I am ripping open a terrible wound, but one that is simply trying to heal under my self-imposed band-aid. I have attempted to put band-aid after band-aid on a gaping wound. I pray that in ripping off what I hope is the last band-aid, I can begin an actual healing process.

Needless to say, I am beginning to put delicate words on paper, feeling extremely vulnerable and possibly lonely. With iTunes on shuffle, the classic song "You Are So Beautiful to Me" starts playing. I couldn't help but put a pause on my letter and look around at the beautiful day. And in that moment, I felt as if God was singing this out to me. He is comforting me, reassuring me of His love and passion for me.

I found great comfort in Him at that moment. Though I am ripping at a deep and painful wound, He is there, helping to bring me healing and peace.

Been thinking about relationships recently, and the necessity and roles of them.

I screwed up this weekend. Won't go into details...but in doing so, I thought about my relationships. Shouldn't quality relationships provide a net for when you screw up?

I found myself worrying about what people were going to think about me when they find out that I screwed up...Won't they be disappointed, mad, or any other negative response?

Should I worry about this? No...

The people you love are supposed to love you...in your bad times too.

So next time I screw up, and I am sure that I will, I don't plan on worrying about what everyones gonna think....I'll just look for someone to help me back up.

Discouraged.

I feel very discouraged lately.

This whole student teaching thing is no fun. I don't like it at all. Have I possibly picked the wrong profession? Do I even WANT a profession?

And that leads me to my next issue... I graduate in a little over a hundred days and then what??? I SURE AS HECK do NOT want to teach..at least not 4th grade math! I really don't wanna get stuck in a duldrum, which I definitly fear.

And this whole ministry thing....Katy brought up a good point.. what IS ministry? This question matched the one that has been plaguing my mind...what is MY ministry?!?! I think it is fair to say that the bible study Radtke and I had going last semester didnt turn out as planned. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to not continue our Bible study. So I feel discouraged, thinking "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" But what a lame thing to have running through my head. Ministry isn't about a set time and place..it's a lifestyle, right?

But my lifestyle right now mirrors that of a 40 year old. I get up at 6:30, grab a lunch for the day, then head to school, where I teach all day (and don't get paid.) I then come home, get stuff ready for the next day, watch TV with my roommate for a bit, then head to bed around 9:30. How cool is that?

In other news...interracial speed dating on campus next Monday... haha

Life is crazy...ain't it?

I spent a good portion of tonight looking back and reading some previous blogs...what a super cool way to spend a Friday night, right? But I am glad I did. I was able to re-live some of the ups and downs that I seemed to have forgotten over the past couple of years.



Sean and I met tonight for our weekly Catalyst talk. We didn't talk about the material for long before we started talking about whatever was on our hearts. Next thing I knew, we had been there for almost two hours and we were joking about what the other person was like 3 or 4 years ago.



It's CRAZY to actually look back at who you were back then...to see your high points, and once again, grimmace at your low points. I was able to see where God has taken me, which was amazing. It is truly reaffirming to realize, "Oh yeah. God really DOES have a hand in this."



It's like what Sammons was saying last night at Crave (which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me...) He said that if you look in a concordance for "God's will," you pretty much find three things. One is God's providential will, another is God's moral will, and the last is his personal will.

Basically, if you are looking for God's personal will in your life, you should focus on the other two, and the personal part will fall into place. I heard that and it was like BAM! IN THE FACE! Here I am, freaking out about what's gonna happen when May comes. It seems that every prayer has something to do with what the heck God wants me to do with my life. But now I realize that if I will focus on the providential and moral will of God, His personal will for my life will be made known.....nice....

How can you not fall in love with this little girl? I think about her numerous times a day.

I spoke last Thursday to the BSM about my time in Transnistria. I showed them pictures, gave a run-down of our trip, and told the story of this little girl. Unexpectedly, I broke down and start to cry, as I relived that precious hour.

We went to an orphange for children from birth up to about six years old. This was, by far, our favorite orphange. I know that sounds bad, but this was the only orphange that we were able to really sit down and play with the kids, one on one. We basically went from room to room, spending a fair amount of time in each classroom, interacting with the kids.

We made it to the room for 1-2 year olds, where I saw this little girl. She looked up at me with those big eyes, and I pretty much melted. I knelt down to get at her level and she immediately opened her arms and clung to me. I picked her up and played with her for a bit. Her laugh was indescribable and still rings in my ears. After we "danced" for awhile, I noticed the director talking to Vladimir, our translator, about the little girl I was holding. Vladimir turned to me and explained that this adorable little girl had been abandoned as an infant at a local construction site. Her mother, an AIDS victim, left all of her papers with her, and is now on the run from the police.

I lost it. What did this little girl do to deserve this? Chances are, her entire childhood will be spent shuffling from one orphange to another. I was there, had a good time with this little girl, but the time came that I had to put her down and leave, knowing that there is not much I can do to change her life...and thats a hard thing to realize.

This is the part I hate about "mission trips" ... the coming back to reality. I am still kind of processing my time in Transnistria. But as the days have gone on, I am more ready and willing to share pictures, tell stories. But I have found that that's hard. I should have known that, after coming to this realization after Minneapolis. I understand, people have other things to do...this is the time that I REALLY miss my team. They would understand every bit of every story. I have sent them a few texts and facebook messages, telling them that I miss them and I wish we were back in Tiraspol.

That's another hard part. Iwould love to look back and give a report or pinpoint something and say, "This is what we did...those kids have a better life now." But they are still orphans, living an institutionalized, orphan life. Sure, we provided a good time for them for an hour or so, but are their lives any different? I guess I will never know. And I am sure that is how is supposed to be. And don't harp on me about how "it's not about what YOU do..its about what God did..." I am well aware of that. But I don't know that either!

I have been talking to Anna, one of our translators, a lot since we got back. Her regular job, besides being a translator, is to be an advocate, or social worker, for children in the orphanages. I am absolutely FASCINATED by her job. In fact, I told her that I would love to come back and simply shadow her on a daily basis. She was telling me just two days ago about a family that wishes to adopt. That gives me some form of hope for those kids. I know the family coming forward to adopt has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us being there, but it's good to know that starting soon, one of those kids will have a better life.

A lot of people are asking, "How was your trip?" I understand this, but it's hard. I think I have subconsciously been avoiding actually processing my time in Transnistria. I had an amazing time while in Tiraspol, but it was so very hard.

I would have loved to say that Transnistria is changed because of us. But that would be a bit of a fairy-tale. We came, we left, and Transnistria is still the same. It is still a sad, corrupt country. Many people are still lacking hope. It is hard to put a child down after you have cradled her, and you know that there is nothing you can do to change her situation.

When I have actually thought about this more, I will post again.

It is weird to think that this time tomorrow, I will be flying over Europe, preparing to land in Moldova, before driving to Tranistria.

I am growing more and more anxious with each day.

A family friend writes for the Garland Newspaper, and she decided to write an article about my trip to Moldova. She called today to "interview me." One question she asked continues to ring in my head. "What is your purpose for going, like, what ONE thing do you want to accomplish?" Maybe it was a bad sign...like that I am a "bad Christian" or something, but I was taken aback by this question. It wasn't that I couldnt believe she was asking that, it was I was clueless as to what my answer was. Why AM I going? I thought for a second and responded with a heartfelt answer. "I want to show the people of Tranistria/Moldova that there is hope. That they are not forgotten." I didn't mention Christ, and maybe that's why this question and my response continues to loom over me. Does that make me a bad person? In some people's eyes, probably. Let's be honest. There will probably be someone I know who picks up the newspaper and reads that article. They will be probably be sadly disappointed at my lack of "Christian-ese" in my response(s). But you know what? I am okay with that.

"Where is Transnistria?" I hear that a lot. Well..maybe this little map will help. It is currently 21 degrees there. I don't even know what 21 degrees feels like...but I will

As the day to leave draws nearer, I get more and more nervous. I mean, what if I leave every orphanage in tears, heartbroken about the conditions these kids live in. And my mom brought up a good point today... How am I going to adjust to coming back here? It's all going to be rushed when I get back, which makes me nervous. Pretty much, I fly in late Wednesday night, head back to Nac Thursday, to start student teaching on Friday. We'll see how that goes....

It's really weird to think that this time next week, I will be in route to Transnistria. I am so very nervous and extremely excited.

I really don't feel prepared at all. I know I am working with orphans... and I know I have done that kind of work before, but this is going to be so much different. The main thing that concerns me is the emotional burden that will be present everywhere. From what I understand, Transnistria is not the best place ever. I have been told by some that it is a "black hole," forgotten by most. And this is the place that made me willingly stand up and say "PICK ME! I'LL GO!"???

Lately I have been listening to a lot of music. I find it very therapeutic. It seems like so many times, there is an artist out there who has felt similar to what I have felt this semester. I often get fixated on a song or two...until it has no effect any longer. But lately, I have been listening to some Tara-Leigh Cobble, and one of her songs might as well have my name on it. It is actually a cover of a Rich Mullins songs...here it goes

"You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened by the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this somehow
All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get"

Can I just be honest? At least with myself?

Life has sucked REALLY badly for the past few months. I have been pretty unhappy most of the time. I dont say this looking for a pity party in return. If anything, I feel like I have been hiding it A LOT! I had a breakdown to rival all breakdowns the other day. I dont know if I have ever hurt so much. And this hurt...sucks. I find myself questioning my faith a lot. It is hard for me to think that a God that loves me would continue to let me hurt like this. I feel like I pray all the time, begging God to take it away...and its only gotten worse.

It sucks. There are so many days that I feel at a loss....hopeless almost.

To say I have been in a "funk" would be correct. This semester has been the toughest yet, and I am not just speaking in academic terms. Though school has been particularly intense this semester, this "funk" would come from emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical distress. There are so many days that I do not even want to get out of bed.
Sometimes, it seems like it would be much easier to lie in bed all day everyday, under my covers, holding Louie tightly in my safe haven of my little twin bed. I know most people are tired of hearing my "pity party"... which is why I have perfected my masks.

200 and some odd days til I graduate, which means 200 and some odd days til I leave Nac...for good. Weird


Been praying a lot about what the heck is gonna happen come May when I have a degree and no ideas of the future. I did find out that Teach for America (which is a big possibility) is looking into expanding to the Twin Cities beginning next fall. Can you say "perfect?"


I can't help but to continue to evaluate and possibly modify current relationships. After talking to Sammons, I came to the conclusion that you can't necessarily outgrow a "place," though you can outgrow people..which sucks. I have always heard how some people are in your lives for a lifetime, while others are here only for seasons. It is very tempting to look around at the people I surround myself with and wonder..."how long are YOU around for?"

does anyone even still read this?

Been out of comission for a bit.. I apologize.

Did the Focus thing this past weekend..my last one ever actually. I learned a lot. Not so much from the speaker or the breakout sessions, but just through my own time with God.


Had more than my fair share of emotional breakdowns this weekend. God just really opened my eyes to a lot. I am discontent here. I look around and think, "Is THIS what I really spent four years building up to?" I am still marvelling over all that I learned while being up in Minneapolis. And I come back here, and I just see myself being in an enviroment that is not supportive or conducive of that. And I hate it. I am so very discontent here.

I went to debriefing for missions while at Focus. It was good to sit around with people that have been on a similar journey this past summer. I won't lie, I thought it was going to be a lame time, that debriefing would be terribly pointless and boring. But I cannot describe how AMAZING it felt to be in a room with over a hundred other people that WANT to hear ALL ABOUT my summer..just the way I want to hear of theirs. It's hard to come back home and realize that when someone asks, "So, how was your summer?" they are wanting a "good", "okay", or "fine." Most people could care less to hear your stories of how God changed you. They take no interest in the people that you met while being away. But there in that room at debriefing, there was an excitement in the eyes of everyone as they listened to story after story.

It was also nice to realize that I am not alone in this discontentment that I have been feeling. Many people in that room are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. In all reality, it's a part of culture shock..in coming back home with all that you learned and trying to transfer it, while coming to the realization that it's a lot harder than you think. At one point during debriefing, Brenda got up in front of everyone and asked, "How many of you sit with your friends or people at your school and think that the conversation y'all are having is pointless?" Countless hands shot up, including my own. I took relief in that. I am not alone.

I have realized that I want something more out of relationships. I want nothing more than to be authentic. Skip the small talk...there's no use for it. It's simply a waste of time. Let's share our struggles, our heartaches, our joys, our praises. THAT'S what life is about.

I am still sorting through everything that was brought to surface this past weekend. Honestly, I think it is going to be a continual process. There will never be a moment that I finally "get it." I will always struggle with it, always learn more about the relationships I am currently in and those I hope to pursue.

After confiding in a very good friend over the weekend, she asked one thing of me...don't turn cold. And it is so incredibly easy to do that. To be so discontent with things..with relationships.. that you turn cold. My prayer is that I don't do that. That I continue to realize that I DON'T have it all figured out. That there is probably someone in my life that is looking at me and is not happy with our relationship...and if that is you... tell me... be real with me...let's have an authentic relationship.

HAPPY 100th POST!!!!

Classes start Monday...weird. I feel like I have not even had a summer. I am usually pretty stoked about a new semester, especially fall. It is always really exciting seeing everyone after the long summer break. A lot of people change and grow over the summer. I love to sit back and watch how people have changed. But I feel a little uneasy about this semester starting up. It seems like it is too soon...or maybe I am just freaking out because it is my last year here.

Now I am not a terribly political person, but I have been thinking lately. I am reading the Irresistible Revolution by Shaine Claiborne right now, which I definitly recommend.


But in one part, he goes on a political rant about the war in Iraq. And it made me think about something I had never thought about before. When all of this war stuff started, "God Bless America" was plastered everywhere. Claiborne explains in his book that on a trip to Iraq, he began to realize that "the reputation of our nation is not just of America but of Christianity..." Now I would not be one to automatically link America with Christianity, but with all the "God" thrown in with the war jargon, I can see how other countries would get that impression.

Shane goes onto say that while in Iraq, he meets am Iraqi mother who "threw her hands in the air and said, 'Your country is declaring war in the name of God and asking God's blessing, and that is the same thing my country is doing. What kind of God is this? What has happened to the God of love, to the Prince of Peace?'"

I am not pushing my political views out there, but you have to admit, this is an interesting thing to think about.

I am very blessed.

And Katie McGowan is one heck of a woman.

Going to Nac this weekend... so all you crazy kids... GET EXCITED!

My lil MB is graduating... makes me so proud!

That is all.

Well.. I made it back to Dallas. But I must admit, I kind of miss the cities. It has been nice being home though.

I miss a lot about the cities...

like the frequent stops at the coffee shops...
the many intellectual people who LOVE deep conversations...
the late nights out on the porch at the house...
watching the Spelling Bee with Becky MULTIPLE times a week...
the long conversations with Tony outside of Espresso Royale...
the MUCH cooler weather...
the beauty of everything!...
the swing outside the house in Dinkytown...
the other regulars on the bus that I talked to...
the ongoing discoveries of different nuances unique to the north...
the cats in the apartment... (I know, its really weird that I miss cats...)



and so much more..