sad day

So I came to a stark realization the other day. I really am a poor college student.

I was home alone one evening (there's no telling where Lindsay and Kacey were). I got up and trudged to the kitchen, praying that a quality dinner option would appear before my eyes. With a mere twenty three cents to my name and minimum possibilities for dinner, I was expecting to have to eat rice, which is what I had eaten for the past week. As I opened the cabinet, I got a brilliant idea. What looked like another bland dinner, turned into quite a feast. I busted out some Mexican rice, ranch-style beans, tortillas, and diced tomatoes for my own entree de la everything. I laid out my options on the coffee table and made some mix of dinner. I gotta say, it wasn't terrible, until my lovely roommate Lindsay walked in and made fun of me for one heck of a meal.

Reminded me of this one time, when I was younger. I had a brilliant idea to make spaghetti, but my own way. I made some raman noodled and mixed in a can of diced tomatoes. It was the most disgusting I had ever made, to say the least.

So yes, I really am a sad, poor college student

Married with children

I am not married...big shock there, right? Don't see it happening anytime soon either, which is totally fine with me, but it really seems to bother others.

Yesterday, I was at my home church talking with someone I really respect, just the usual catch-up on life. Of course, he asked what many people are asking lately, which is what am I going to do after I graduate. I told him of some of my dreams, including the Peace Corps, teaching in Uganda, or who knows what else.

Now this is what kills me. When I told him about what I want to do with my life, he replied by saying, "Now Ashlee, you have to think about marriage. I mean, if you want to get married, it will probably have to happen in the next five years. And when you get married, that is going to change all of your plans. Like, what if he wants to work at a bank in Dallas? You will have to settle on some of your dreams."

I was floored. Why is it that even within the church, marriage is the pinnacle of life? Shouldn't the emphasis be put on finding your self complete in Christ, not in a spouse?

I responded to this comment by telling him that I am perfectly okay with the possibility of not getting married. And if, by chance, it is in God's plan for me to get married, it will happen whereever I am, be it Uganda or Dallas. Besides, shouldn't by possible husband and I share the same passions?

When it rains, it pours

No joke...lately, life has been a little less than desirable. Problems just continue to surface with very few of them actually getting resolved.

But I have decided (after reading Katy Reed's blog, which I think you should do) that I am going to be a little more optimistic about life. How can that hurt? I dont know if I will go about it with the whole purple bracelet approach... but either way, it will get done. I realized after talking to some of my students the other day that my life, no matter how many problems pop up, is not as bad as I can make it out to be. The world really is not a hell-hole, contrary to what many believers may think. Granted, it's no heaven-on-earth...but it's really not terrible. So I am going to live it up...optimism in hand.

With that being said, Minneapolis is in eighteen days. And I am starting to get nervous. I know it's what I am supposed to do and all. But I don't really know WHAT I am doing. I am hoping to get more info this week. Like where I will be staying...that would be a nice piece of info.

less than a month?

It is crazy to think that in a month, I will be in Minneapolis.

I did not realize how soon it was until someone else brought it to my attention. Now, all of the sudden, the excitement and fear are beginning to collide within me.

I know this summer will be one of the most amazing summers of my life. God is going to do amazing things both in me and through me.

But I am scared... as hell. I think this may be the first time I am admitting it...(how genius is it to admit it online?) But I am. I am nervous about many things. Like WHAT THE HECK WILL I BE DOING?!? Not quite sure yet?! Or how well will I get along with the two guys on my team? Or how will I deal with being away from everything and everyone I know for ten weeks? And more importantly, how will my parents deal with it?

I anticipate for things to be different when I return. As always, the start of a new year will do its usual and force relationships to change, grow, and die out. But how much will I when I return? And how much of what I know and am comfortable with, how much will that change?

I guess only time will tell. Until then...

Secrets...

Every Sunday, one of the first things I do is check PostSecret. It may be as early as 2 in the morning, and I check the site, hoping that new secrets have been listed. But why? Is it like a bad wreck, and I am simply drawn to others' secrets? Or am I hoping that with each postcard that I read, I will find my secret. Though I have never sent in any postcards creatively depicting my inner secrets, I always end up holding out, waiting for one of my secrets to appear on the screen.

Love your neighbor...

"How I treat a brother or sister from day to day, how I react to the sin-scarred wino on the street, how I respond to interruptions from people I dislike, how I deal with normal people in their normal confusion on a normal day may be a better indication of my reverence for life than the anti-abortion sticker on the bumper of my car."
- The Ragmuffin Gospel


I want to live like this. But why can't I? Why can't I live with reverence instead of just speaking about reverence?

I was reading a "Seed Story" today. This guy was telling about how in his (home) church, they have an open sharing time, where any and everyone shares what God has been doing in their life over the past week. This man was saying how throughout their discussions, the group often leads into heavy conversations. He admitted to wanting to take a firm stance on everything. But he then realized that he needed to "limit his soap-boxes to only 2."

And I thought...what if we did that? And more directly, what if I did that? What if I had to speak up less about what I believe because I was living it out more? Isn't that what it's about...living out your faith, not just talking about it?

But what do I know?

check it out

pretty self-expanatory...

before I die...

I have been working on this for a bit...and now... my running list of things to do before I die...

Wear out as many bibles as I can

Learn to play the piano

Spend some time in Uganda

Go to a catholic church on easter

Kiss in the rain

throw a dart at a map and travel wherever it lands

be on broadway in some form

walk hand-in-hand with someone in central park

meet clayton king

get a tattoo

ride a horse on the beach

dance in studio 54

read the bible cover to cover

witness the miracle of life

save a life

write me autobiography

help build a tree house

ride an elephant

take a hot air balloon ride

have a hobby room in my house

swim with the dolphins

go to a midnight mass on Christmas eve

go on a cruise

take singing lessons

experience zero gravity

go white water rafting

shower in a waterfall

drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring

learn to play the guitar

learn to bartend

go to confession at a catholic church

figure out how a way to enjoy coffee

be in the audience of the oprah show

sit under a tree reading a book at Harvard

be able to go day to day without taking meds

spend the night in a hammock

sit on a jury

record my family history

send a message in a bottle

walk on the great wall of china

drive across America on route 66

crowd surf

Spend a day visiting car dealerships and test drive highly expensive sports cars that I'll never be able to afford

Learn to surf

Go to a gay bar (weird..i know)

Fly first class

Ride in an 18-wheeler

Go to the fao Schwartz store in new york

Sleep under a tree with no bedding/tent

Have a friend in every continent

Respect your elders

Today, I was standing outside the BSM when a precious elderly woman pulls up in her boat of a car. As the window rolls down, she leans over and asks if I know where a particular street is. Apparently, there was one heck of a garage sale on North Pecan street. Unforunately, I did not know where this particular festivity was. So the lovely old woman was on her way, setting out to find this haven.

Thirty minutes later, I am sitting next to her at the light at North street. As we sit there for a few minutes, I just watch her and let my mind wander. She is talking to herself, but I can't quite make out what she is saying. Then, she starts examining her manicured nails, probably evaluating when she should go in for a fill.

As the light changes and we go our seperate ways, I start to wander....what will I be like when I am old? I think alot of times, we imagine ourselves as young marrieds, maybe kids, living it up as "grown ups." But who sits back and thinks about being 70 years old?

I wander if, at the appropriate time, I will take the first step into "mature living" and start driving a Cadillac or Grand Marquis. Of course, it will be a nice champagne or white color...something neutral and earth toned. Most likely, I will also have a short hair cut...permed...maintained with a nice teasing and hairspray between the weekly visits to my "beautician."

It's something to think about... what you will be like in a few decades....

definition of a Christian??

After talking to Landon for a bit today, as what usually happens after a good conversation with him, I was left with a lot to think about. So this is what's on my mind...

Christian...in simplest terms..what does it mean? By saying that you are a Christian, believer, or whatever term you choose to use, what is it that you are saying?

I think many people, both believers and non-believers, think that by claiming yourself to be a Christian, you are taking a stand on every issue out there. For example, by saying you are a Christian, many would assume you are saying you are against homosexuality, or alcohol, or a number of other things. But is that what you are saying?

I know that when I bring up my faith in Christ, I am not saying anything other than I accept the grace that Christ offers me.

With that said, it is okay in my books if not all believers feel the same about all issues. That's what makes us unique, true? Too often it turns into an "us vs. them" rhetoric between brothers and sisters in Christ. Is that really necessary? Can't we all just take comfort in the fact that we all believe in the same Christ and the grace that He offers? Is that not enough?

just some ramblings..

So.. be in the world but not of it... how often have you heard that? But more importantly, do you understand it? And if you do, could please fill me in.

Be a Jew to a Jew, a Gentile to Gentil, etc... but how?

How long do you love someone before sharing the truth...or do you ever?

I am sure you have heard that as believers, we should be in relationships with non-believers. And most people say that all is well, as long as "you are the one influencing them, not them influencing you." But is this okay?

being home...and loving it??

Is it possible that I am home for the weekend and ENJOYING IT? I know, I think it's weird too. As I drove home yesterday, I was ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT? Maybe it is because I have had an incredibly rough week and I needed to get away. I mean, it's not like I have big plans for the weekend. In fact, I fully intend on sitting in the oversized chair in the living room, switching off between a good book and watching movies and Lost episodes. I doubt I will be changing clothes all that often.

But I am reminded, as I think I have said before, of Jesus returning to his hometown in Mark 6

1Jesus left there and went to his hometown, accompanied by his disciples. 2When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed.
"Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! 3Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph,[a] Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him.
4Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

A "prophet without honor"...that's me, everytime I come home. No, I know I am no prophet. But I totally get it. Everytime I come home, I am the person I was when I left here three years ago. I ignorant, silly, naive eighteen year old...

intentions...definition 3a

Is it possible to have the best of intentions and still get screwed over somehow? Well yes, it is. Why? The same reason the church can be a whacked out place...the same reason there are creepy people in the world doing mean things...because we are human.

Though I may feel that I have/had the best of intentions with someone, it has been brought to my attention that they can take it in a completely different way. Dang it..I thought I actually had something figured out for once. But now... I'm back where I started.

Is life really just a cyclical thing? Am I just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over? I sure as heck hope not...more so for everyone else's sake.

But if life is a vicious cycle, is there any hope?

I am holding out that there IS hope... I mean.. I have hope in Christ..and though I may be a mere jar of clay, He works through me..right? So I may have screwed up yet ANOTHER relationship somehow, but there's hope that ONE DAY I will figure it out. It's just not looking like that day will be today... or tomorrow...

intentions...definition 3a

Is it possible to have the best of intentions and still get screwed over somehow? Well yes, it is. Why? The same reason the church can be a whacked out place...the same reason there are creepy people in the world doing mean things...because we are human.

Though I may feel that I have/had the best of intentions with someone, it has been brought to my attention that they can take it in a completely different way. Dang it..I thought I actually had something figured out for once. But now... I'm back where I started.

Is life really just a cyclical thing? Am I just going to keep making the same mistakes over and over? I sure as heck hope not...more so for everyone else's sake.

But if life is a vicious cycle, is there any hope?

I am holding out that there IS hope... I mean.. I have hope in Christ..and though I may be a mere jar of clay, He works through me..right? So I may have screwed up yet ANOTHER relationship somehow, but there's hope that ONE DAY I will figure it out. It's just not looking like that day will be today... or tomorrow...


Another thought...total switch of pace. You ever see someone or maybe meet them and immediately think, "Man... I wanna be best friends with them."? I do..a lot. I have thinking that a lot lately. Maybe it's a hang over from Beach Reach, where it easily becomes "Meet as many people as you can so you can add more people to facebook than anyone else..." But let's take Clayton for example. (If you haven't heard about Clayton from Beach Reach, you should... ) I had to pleasure of meeting and talking with Clayton for a total of about 3 1/2 hours last week. He's from Kansas, which is a darn shame, because he is one of those people that make me think..."GAH!!! Why can't we be best friends?" Or like the Reza, from Colorado... or the guy that rides the skateboard thru campus.... Man.. I want to be BFF with all of them.

Now if you are one of my dear friends here in Nac, or even in G-town, don't get all twisted ( like Sam did when we had this conversation...) you are a blessing..for sure..and I am sure that if I didn't already know you, I would be thinking that WE TOO should be bff. Maybe it is just the mystery and excitement of these new people. Or maybe one day, we really will be BFF...

awkward.. all 8 definitions

check em out.. all eight of em.. I live these out, everyday. "Awkward" might as well be my middle name. Heck, make it my first name! I am incredibly afraid of awkward moments, which is probably why I like to create awkward moments for others. By making others feel awkward, I know that even for a split second, they feel awkward and I don't. I am a sick, sick person.

And why is that everytime I am placed in an awkward situation, my first instinct is to run? I have noticed that everytime things get bad in any sense in life, I want to run. I just "have to get away." When I am fed up with all that is Nacogdoches, I figure out anyway possible to go back home. And after just a short time there and I am fed up with good ol G-town, I am high-tailing it back to Nac. This can't be good.

Is this what my life is going to be like? Am I always going to be running from something, be it an awkward situation or not? And am I okay with that?

There was a girl at beach reach this past week. (granted this is all "hear-say.") She is an SFA student and was down in Padre to live it up for spring break. After a few days, it all got to be a little much. She called a friend that she knew was in Padre for beach reach. She pleaded with him for help. She wanted to go home...right then. But it said it right..."You can't keep running from your life."

Is that what I am doing?Instead of just running from simple awkward moments, is there a bigger picture that I am running from? I should be doing something else, something joyful, instead of leaving an awkward conversation in the library thinking, "Whew! I am glad thats over with..."

But where do you begin to find the "bigger awkward situation?" Is there even something "bigger" I am running from? Or am I just lucky enough to be constantly put in awkward situations?

spring break comes to an end

I spent my spring break at Beach Reach in Padre again. It was pretty much amazing. So much more incredible than last year, yet so much more difficult. I could go into details, but I know some people flat out don't care. If you do, just ask...

But not only have I been able to see God do amazing things through me, I have seen Him do amazing things IN me this week.

God is continuing to refine who I am and I think I have finally accepted that. All my life, I have been such an extrovert. And no, that is not a bad thing, but I think it is time that I begin to work on the introvert inside of me.

It just seems that I am at a different stage in my life than I was a year ago. As I stood on the beach during our last night of worship in Padre, I stood with my feet buried in the sand and the waves crashing at my ankles. The end of my skirt was getting wet with each white crested wave. It was absolutely beauitful. And not just on a physical level, but on so many other levels. Standing there saying over and over, "God, I can't do this alone. I need you to step in and step in big time," has never been such a feeling of freedom.

I am so excited to see where God has me going next. It looks like there is going to be a lot of change, a lot of unknowns, and a whole heck of alot of clinging to Christ for security.

and then...

theres times that your reputation with some people will never change.

No matter how much you try to prove to someone that you are a different person, they CHOOSE to continue to see you for who you once were. And I have to be okay with that.

"Clique"...gosh I hate that word. And I personally try to do everything I can to stay away from that label but it continues to follow me...

Guess we shall see what happens..

melancholy

So much has been on my mind lately...

Like the judginig of other believers... is that okay? EVER? My opinion, outside of accountability, no,its not okay. But why is this such a hard concept to grasp for most believers.

Also, I think I often forget how much I have changed over the past three years. There are many times that I may be sitting a with a friend, and we giggle at where I was when I first came to SFA to where I am now... which is on two different roads! Then, theres times like tonight, when it becomes easy to look back and see all the ways I screwed up...and the reputation that easily comes with that.

This summer I will be in Minneapolis.. I am stoked...my father is not... I could use your prayers..

Things are looking up...

....for once

I found out today that I will be spending this summer in Minneapolis... WHICH I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT! When I got the email with the assignment, I screamed like a lil school girl and did a happy dance before running to tell Lindsay. Told the parentals...mom is stoked for me.. so thats good. Dad...not so much. But he did make a comment tonight that made me a little excited. I told him that once I graduate and have a real job, it wont be like I can come home in the summer anyways, to which he replied, "Who says thats gonna happen?" Naturally, I got defensive and said, "WHAT?! You dont think I will graduate?" "No, I know you will graduate.." "You are worried about me getting a 'real' job, right?" I asked. He confirmed...and by 'real job' he means teaching in the Dallas area. Looks like he might be starting to finally realize that I am NOT just going through a phase..that i REALLY DO want to go to the nations...

my minds-a-going

This week has been insane. One might say it has been a week from Hell. I have had my fair share of breakdowns over the past few days. But one thing that came from it, my mind is going full speed..

Like..do you think God can be absent from only one area of your life? I know there are numerous accounts in scripture where God is completely absent from a person's life. But I have yet to find an instance where God is alive and active in someone's life in all areas but one... So I find myself in this exact predicament and am beginning to lose hope. God is doing so many amazing things in most areas of my life. And I am so thankful for that. But in one, JUST ONE, I don't even feel like He hears me. Can that be true?

I wish I didn't care. Someone, please tell me that at times, you have this exact phrase run through your head, "Man, if I wasn't a Christian, I would definitly....." I have been thinking this alot lately..does that make me a bad person? This surpressed bitterness and anger has recently surfaced, only to make me more bitter and angry.

I am failing to see Christ in this. Scriptures have been pointed out that say things like "God only does this to those He loves," and "Discipline isnt pleasurable, but its worth it in the end."


Well I am tired of hearing that. I want someone to sit with me and say "You are right... this sucks.." I want someone to cry with me.. to hurt with me... to feel as awkward as I do at times. I guess its true that misery loves company. And it is only understandable that noone feels the need to join me in this not-so-pleasant endeavor. Oh well. I guess I will just have to wait "til it gets better."