does anyone even still read this?

Been out of comission for a bit.. I apologize.

Did the Focus thing this past weekend..my last one ever actually. I learned a lot. Not so much from the speaker or the breakout sessions, but just through my own time with God.


Had more than my fair share of emotional breakdowns this weekend. God just really opened my eyes to a lot. I am discontent here. I look around and think, "Is THIS what I really spent four years building up to?" I am still marvelling over all that I learned while being up in Minneapolis. And I come back here, and I just see myself being in an enviroment that is not supportive or conducive of that. And I hate it. I am so very discontent here.

I went to debriefing for missions while at Focus. It was good to sit around with people that have been on a similar journey this past summer. I won't lie, I thought it was going to be a lame time, that debriefing would be terribly pointless and boring. But I cannot describe how AMAZING it felt to be in a room with over a hundred other people that WANT to hear ALL ABOUT my summer..just the way I want to hear of theirs. It's hard to come back home and realize that when someone asks, "So, how was your summer?" they are wanting a "good", "okay", or "fine." Most people could care less to hear your stories of how God changed you. They take no interest in the people that you met while being away. But there in that room at debriefing, there was an excitement in the eyes of everyone as they listened to story after story.

It was also nice to realize that I am not alone in this discontentment that I have been feeling. Many people in that room are experiencing or have experienced the same thing. In all reality, it's a part of culture shock..in coming back home with all that you learned and trying to transfer it, while coming to the realization that it's a lot harder than you think. At one point during debriefing, Brenda got up in front of everyone and asked, "How many of you sit with your friends or people at your school and think that the conversation y'all are having is pointless?" Countless hands shot up, including my own. I took relief in that. I am not alone.

I have realized that I want something more out of relationships. I want nothing more than to be authentic. Skip the small talk...there's no use for it. It's simply a waste of time. Let's share our struggles, our heartaches, our joys, our praises. THAT'S what life is about.

I am still sorting through everything that was brought to surface this past weekend. Honestly, I think it is going to be a continual process. There will never be a moment that I finally "get it." I will always struggle with it, always learn more about the relationships I am currently in and those I hope to pursue.

After confiding in a very good friend over the weekend, she asked one thing of me...don't turn cold. And it is so incredibly easy to do that. To be so discontent with things..with relationships.. that you turn cold. My prayer is that I don't do that. That I continue to realize that I DON'T have it all figured out. That there is probably someone in my life that is looking at me and is not happy with our relationship...and if that is you... tell me... be real with me...let's have an authentic relationship.