I wish I was a black woman...

If you know me at all, you would know that I am slightly in love with Tyler Perry. Madea is my hero. I recently read Tyler Perry's book "Don't Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings." I loved it. All of it. Because put bluntly, I love black people. I love their culture, their humor, all of it.

As I was reading, "Madea" (Tyler Perry) makes an AMAZING point about friendships. Seeing as how this is an issue I have been worried about/struggling with... I thought I'd share:

"Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree. What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away. There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go. Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come and take.

"Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the thigns you want to share with it.

"Finally, there are people who are like the roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO. When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everbody around you. Again, I repeat for emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might."


....ahh.... I love Madea

So I am officially obsessed with blogs. Google Reader is the most handy thing ever invented. With it, I subscribe to numerous blogs, but can read them all in one place.

One that I love to look at is boston.com/bigpicture. Check it out. This is my fave so far....




And I thought police on segways were kinda silly....

i love sports

i know its another video....but just watch it

steve harvey introduces jesus

the elephant in the room...

Graduation was merely two months ago. On the dot. And already, I have lost contact with 99% of my friends from SFA.

This has probably been because of a lack of effort on both sides. I gotta say though, there are somedays where I'm fine with how things have turned out. There are other days where it flat out STINKS.

It's days like I have had lately that can be rough when it comes to this whole "recently friend-less" season of my life. I've really been struggling during the past week, in a couple of ways. Simply put, I've been down. There have been a couple of things that I thought were pretty much dealt with that keep creeping back up. Can't say I'm a fan.

It's in those moments where I wish I could pick up the phone and call someone who was familar with the situation. The only thing worse that dealing with a problem is to have to explain how the problem started to someone before whining about the actual thing.

Of course I knew a time like this would come. I heard someone make a really good point once....Growing up, we always had "school friends." These were the people in grade school up to high school that were your friends at school, but not so much outside of school. Well when we go off to college, we may think that our days of having "school friends" are over. But maybe they aren't. Maybe instead of "school friends" clocking out at the end of each school day, they clock out at graduation. After all, when you are away at school, the "school friends" are all you have. You often don't have "real friends" to come home to at the end of the day.

It's just a thought.

And I dont say this to put down the amazing people I was close with over the past four years. I would not trade anything for everything each of them has done for me. And as much as my prideful self hates to admit it, there are times that I miss these people... a lot.

I am going to Commerce.

That being said...why does everyone constantly ask me "why?" Many people have asked why would I EVER want to go to Commerce when I had Minneapolis at my fingertips. Countless people ask WHY WOULD I EVEN THINK ABOUT starting a young adult ministry/small group at my home church when I am only here for the summer?

Get off my back.

Don't you think I have prayed and sought God out on this? Because I have. And I am confident on what He has be doing right now.

I would have LOVED to have gone to Minneapolis. It kills me that I am still turning down job offers up there. But a lot has come to head over the past month or so. I realized that in going to Minneapolis, I would be looking for an easy escape, simply running away. And I can't do that. Because I am tired of running.

a little update..


turned down the job in Minneapolis.

Went to Commerce on Friday to talk about a job there.

Freaked out.

Got another job offer in Minneapolis.

I'm not ready to make a big-girl decision.

Moving home has proven to be a lot harder than I thought. And I even knew coming into it that it wouldn't be easy.

To say the least, relationships have changed... all of them. A lot of them have fizzled out. It's only been a month since my days in Nac came to an end, and already, I think my phone bill wont be nearly as high.

Went to Nac this weekend... by far the worst mistake of my life. My heart was shattered, in more ways than one.

Turned down a job to Minneapolis... Never thought I'd say that.

My life is in a serious rut. I feel like everything has gone to pot...and has been for awhile. I have just been masking it all...I realized that going to Minneapolis would be running away from my problems, my aching heart. It sucks, no doubt..but it is what it is.

Did I mention that I also contribute to a community blog? It's usually quality stuff, written by quality people. You should check it out.

www.porchdiscourse.blogspot.com

my plan...or lack thereof

I a lot of possibilities right now...

There's the whole BSM intern thing... that would put me on a campus here in Texas...

There's Americorps in Boston... I have had some phone interviews with a few different agencies...

There's also Americorps in Minneapolis.... this was a recent add to the opportunity list. Something I have been praying about and finally got a "go" from God to pursue this..

so there it is... my opportunities.... still dont know whats next

The heart is a funny thing. It's a fragile thing. It's not a tough thing....at least not mine.

I drove around the other night. I find driving around late at night with the windows down and music blaring...to be a bit relaxing...therapeutic almost.

Anyways, I stopped at one point. Pulled over. Had a moment of closure. (maybe it was kinda creepy..) But I said what I needed to say, as if "they" were standing right there. After I said my peace, I turned the ignition, rolled down the windows, and blared some Miley Cyrus. I hadn't felt that good in a long time...





....until tonight. I felt like I took three GIANT steps back. And no, it wasn't that I made the conscious decision to go back. It was moreso thrust upon me. I won't lie. I broke me. There I was, getting upset over something that I SWORE would not get the best of me EVER AGAIN. I thought I had this handled. But then I was reminded of the state of the human heart...fragile. Then, I just got angry with myself for being upset, which only made me more upset. It's this evil cycle that comes with being a girl.

So where does that leave me now?

Ready to get the heck out of Nacogdoches!

A week of lasts

Well...I am now in my final week here in Nac. It's bittersweet, to say the least.

Last Thursday was my last Crave...ever. I haven't worshipped like that in a long time. At one point, I completely broke down. I went to a back room and fell to my knees. This is such an awkward time. My four years here is wrapping up. Friendships are fading out. It's all so weird. And it would be one thing if I knew what was coming next. But I don't. I have no idea. All I know is that a few hours after graduation, I will be back in Dallas. Who knows for how long? Or how short?

Looking back on this year, I think it is fair to say that is has been a little rough in terms of ministry. This has been my third year to be on "leadership" at the BSM. I think it has also been the toughest.

I am probably not alone in this overall reflection of the past year. In fact, I know I am not. There are a few people that have chosen to not return to a leadership role within the ministry simply because "this year did not go as they wanted." Dually noted.

But this is the time when the REAL leaders step up. Now is when people with true leadership abilities continue to fight for the ministry. If you don't like it, do something about it. Don't just jump ship.

It is a beautiful day. I could not ask for a more gloriously gorgeous afternoon to spend out here on the hammock.

So here I am, spending my Sunday afternoon chilling in the hammock.

I was writing a letter, one that I have been putting for a while, one that is incredibly hard to write out. However, I am praying it will bring healing. I feel that in the last year or so, that is all I have been yearning for...healing.

I had just started writing the most difficult part of this particular letter. In doing so, I am making myself so incredibly vulnerable. Just seeing it all on paper makes the pain increase. I feel as if I am ripping open a terrible wound, but one that is simply trying to heal under my self-imposed band-aid. I have attempted to put band-aid after band-aid on a gaping wound. I pray that in ripping off what I hope is the last band-aid, I can begin an actual healing process.

Needless to say, I am beginning to put delicate words on paper, feeling extremely vulnerable and possibly lonely. With iTunes on shuffle, the classic song "You Are So Beautiful to Me" starts playing. I couldn't help but put a pause on my letter and look around at the beautiful day. And in that moment, I felt as if God was singing this out to me. He is comforting me, reassuring me of His love and passion for me.

I found great comfort in Him at that moment. Though I am ripping at a deep and painful wound, He is there, helping to bring me healing and peace.

Been thinking about relationships recently, and the necessity and roles of them.

I screwed up this weekend. Won't go into details...but in doing so, I thought about my relationships. Shouldn't quality relationships provide a net for when you screw up?

I found myself worrying about what people were going to think about me when they find out that I screwed up...Won't they be disappointed, mad, or any other negative response?

Should I worry about this? No...

The people you love are supposed to love you...in your bad times too.

So next time I screw up, and I am sure that I will, I don't plan on worrying about what everyones gonna think....I'll just look for someone to help me back up.

Discouraged.

I feel very discouraged lately.

This whole student teaching thing is no fun. I don't like it at all. Have I possibly picked the wrong profession? Do I even WANT a profession?

And that leads me to my next issue... I graduate in a little over a hundred days and then what??? I SURE AS HECK do NOT want to teach..at least not 4th grade math! I really don't wanna get stuck in a duldrum, which I definitly fear.

And this whole ministry thing....Katy brought up a good point.. what IS ministry? This question matched the one that has been plaguing my mind...what is MY ministry?!?! I think it is fair to say that the bible study Radtke and I had going last semester didnt turn out as planned. After a lot of discussion, we have decided to not continue our Bible study. So I feel discouraged, thinking "What the heck am I supposed to do now?" But what a lame thing to have running through my head. Ministry isn't about a set time and place..it's a lifestyle, right?

But my lifestyle right now mirrors that of a 40 year old. I get up at 6:30, grab a lunch for the day, then head to school, where I teach all day (and don't get paid.) I then come home, get stuff ready for the next day, watch TV with my roommate for a bit, then head to bed around 9:30. How cool is that?

In other news...interracial speed dating on campus next Monday... haha

Life is crazy...ain't it?

I spent a good portion of tonight looking back and reading some previous blogs...what a super cool way to spend a Friday night, right? But I am glad I did. I was able to re-live some of the ups and downs that I seemed to have forgotten over the past couple of years.



Sean and I met tonight for our weekly Catalyst talk. We didn't talk about the material for long before we started talking about whatever was on our hearts. Next thing I knew, we had been there for almost two hours and we were joking about what the other person was like 3 or 4 years ago.



It's CRAZY to actually look back at who you were back then...to see your high points, and once again, grimmace at your low points. I was able to see where God has taken me, which was amazing. It is truly reaffirming to realize, "Oh yeah. God really DOES have a hand in this."



It's like what Sammons was saying last night at Crave (which pretty much hit the nail on the head for me...) He said that if you look in a concordance for "God's will," you pretty much find three things. One is God's providential will, another is God's moral will, and the last is his personal will.

Basically, if you are looking for God's personal will in your life, you should focus on the other two, and the personal part will fall into place. I heard that and it was like BAM! IN THE FACE! Here I am, freaking out about what's gonna happen when May comes. It seems that every prayer has something to do with what the heck God wants me to do with my life. But now I realize that if I will focus on the providential and moral will of God, His personal will for my life will be made known.....nice....

How can you not fall in love with this little girl? I think about her numerous times a day.

I spoke last Thursday to the BSM about my time in Transnistria. I showed them pictures, gave a run-down of our trip, and told the story of this little girl. Unexpectedly, I broke down and start to cry, as I relived that precious hour.

We went to an orphange for children from birth up to about six years old. This was, by far, our favorite orphange. I know that sounds bad, but this was the only orphange that we were able to really sit down and play with the kids, one on one. We basically went from room to room, spending a fair amount of time in each classroom, interacting with the kids.

We made it to the room for 1-2 year olds, where I saw this little girl. She looked up at me with those big eyes, and I pretty much melted. I knelt down to get at her level and she immediately opened her arms and clung to me. I picked her up and played with her for a bit. Her laugh was indescribable and still rings in my ears. After we "danced" for awhile, I noticed the director talking to Vladimir, our translator, about the little girl I was holding. Vladimir turned to me and explained that this adorable little girl had been abandoned as an infant at a local construction site. Her mother, an AIDS victim, left all of her papers with her, and is now on the run from the police.

I lost it. What did this little girl do to deserve this? Chances are, her entire childhood will be spent shuffling from one orphange to another. I was there, had a good time with this little girl, but the time came that I had to put her down and leave, knowing that there is not much I can do to change her life...and thats a hard thing to realize.

This is the part I hate about "mission trips" ... the coming back to reality. I am still kind of processing my time in Transnistria. But as the days have gone on, I am more ready and willing to share pictures, tell stories. But I have found that that's hard. I should have known that, after coming to this realization after Minneapolis. I understand, people have other things to do...this is the time that I REALLY miss my team. They would understand every bit of every story. I have sent them a few texts and facebook messages, telling them that I miss them and I wish we were back in Tiraspol.

That's another hard part. Iwould love to look back and give a report or pinpoint something and say, "This is what we did...those kids have a better life now." But they are still orphans, living an institutionalized, orphan life. Sure, we provided a good time for them for an hour or so, but are their lives any different? I guess I will never know. And I am sure that is how is supposed to be. And don't harp on me about how "it's not about what YOU do..its about what God did..." I am well aware of that. But I don't know that either!

I have been talking to Anna, one of our translators, a lot since we got back. Her regular job, besides being a translator, is to be an advocate, or social worker, for children in the orphanages. I am absolutely FASCINATED by her job. In fact, I told her that I would love to come back and simply shadow her on a daily basis. She was telling me just two days ago about a family that wishes to adopt. That gives me some form of hope for those kids. I know the family coming forward to adopt has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with us being there, but it's good to know that starting soon, one of those kids will have a better life.

A lot of people are asking, "How was your trip?" I understand this, but it's hard. I think I have subconsciously been avoiding actually processing my time in Transnistria. I had an amazing time while in Tiraspol, but it was so very hard.

I would have loved to say that Transnistria is changed because of us. But that would be a bit of a fairy-tale. We came, we left, and Transnistria is still the same. It is still a sad, corrupt country. Many people are still lacking hope. It is hard to put a child down after you have cradled her, and you know that there is nothing you can do to change her situation.

When I have actually thought about this more, I will post again.