Time to get honest...

So I was home for a couple of days to celebrate Bubba's birthday (more on that later). I told my mom yesterday that we needed to call Jeremey today (Valentines) to see how he and the kids are doing. We got kinda busy and never did.

After birthday celebrations wrapped up tonight, I packed up the good ol' Explorer and headed back to Commerce. As I was driving, I started thinking about Jeremey and the kids. I ended up texting Jeremey to let him know that I was thinking about him and the kids. I had to text him on Margaret's phone though, since that's the phone he is using now. It was weird to see that I was sending a text to her phone, knowing that it's not actually going to her.

And the waterworks turned on. As I drove down 30, I started wondering if he would get the text..and what he would be doing as he got the text....and would he text back? I figured Gretchen and Barton were probably already in bed, so he was just sitting up enjoying the peace and quiet. But was it peaceful for him...spending his first Valentines WITHOUT the love of his life? I can't imagine what that must be like.

Then I started thinking...will I EVER BE OKAY WITH THIS? I mean...really.... I probably break down at least once or twice a week since Margaret has passed away. Every time I think about the kids growing up without their mom, I get a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat. I just don't see how God could do that. I feel like He was on vacation that day...as if that was the ONE DAY that He stepped off the throne. Of course I know this is not true....but it sure feels like it. When I get honest with myself, my heart is asking "How could a loving God STEAL an amazing, loving mother from two YOUNG kids who may never remember their mom?" I hate to admit it, but there are times that I think, "Aren't there plenty of other people who could have died that day instead of her?" It's just not fair.... And yes I know life is not fair...

....but how do I explain that to Gretchen, the four year old darling of a little girl who still thinks mommy is coming home? How do I tell her that Mommy went to go live with Jesus without her thinking that Jesus isn't a good guy? Because that's what happened.... Gretchen was told that Mommy went to live with Jesus and she replied with, "Well then I don't like Jesus..."

It's not fair... and I don't like it..... and I'm pretty angry with God about the whole thing...

Ever since coming to Commerce, the sororities have been on my heart. The sorority houses are just right across the street from the BSM. However, we do not intentionally reach out to them in any way. It has been something I have praying about since early August.
At the end of last semester, I met Heather, a Kappa Delta who occasionally comes to the BSM. She had been praying about doing a small group for the girls in her sorority house. Well doesn't God work things out?
After a lot of running around trying to figure out the details and such, the small group for the sorority girls will be starting this Wednesday. I'm pretty excited about it. We will be going through Bad Girls of the Bible. I know that this is something that God has orchestrated, but I don't want to be too haughty about it. I'm still leaning completely on him for him to come through on this. There's no way I can lead a small group effectively without Him. I am praying that He will be so present this Wednesday that the girls that come will have to go home and tell the other girls in their sorority about the small group.
So if you think about it, pray for the our small group on Wednesday at 8:30.

A new obsession

In case I haven't told you yet, my newest obsession is craft blogs. I am subscribed to WAY TOO MANY blogs kept by stay-at-home mom's that make all this cute stuff for their house. Well, I tried to make some stuff myself...and I thought I'd share my mere attempts.









I bought this plate AND the stand at the dollar store. I simply wrote a verse on it and now it's on the bar!








This candle stand was at Goodwill for two bucks. It was really dirty, with wax caked on all over. But with some cleaning and a couple coats of spray paint, it looks brand new!



I got these four glasses at a thrift store too. I cleaned them up and added some blue and brown marbles, and now I LOVE THEM!










I still can't decide if I like this or not. I bought a round styrofoam thing (no, I don't know the technical terms) at the dollar store. Then I went to Wal-Mart for fabric. LUCKY FOR ME, the Wal-Mart here in Commerce is getting rid of their fabric center, so it was all 70% OFF!! Now, this is hanging on my front door.

Being Sick is NO FUN!

Thursday night, I my throat started hurting...didn't think much about it. Kept getting worse and worse throughout the weekend. Monday morning, I waved my white flag and made a doctor's appointment. His verdict...a bad case of strep and a sinus infection. I am now in quarantine. I woke up this morning feeling worse than yesterday. I switch between my bed and the couch. I have watched at least four movies...

I lead such an exciting life.

It's been just two months since Margaret passed away. It has been a really tough two months too. There have been a quite a few times that I have gone to hang out with the kids. Each time, I break down as I leave, knowing that they may never remember their mommy.

Today was worse than the other days though. My mom and I both took the day off. We went out to Flower Mound to take my grandmother (Margaret's mom) out to lunch. While we were at lunch, I asked her how the kids were doing. She said Gretchen, who is four, thinks Margaret is going to come home at some point. My Grandmother had to tell her that no, Mommy is living with Jesus now. Gretchen replied, "Well then I don't like Jesus."

Now, Grandmother says that Mommy lives in Heaven now.

It killed me.

When we got back to the house, we were playing with Gretchen. She went over to a table that had a lot of pictures on it. She was looking at a picture of Margaret and Jeremey. She said, "Let's go to the airport to get Mommy." I lost it. How do you explain to a four year old that her mommy is not coming home....that we won't be going to the airport to pick mommy up....???

When I go home to my parents, this is what I come home to....





















I have my bed from college in my room at my parents house. Its a twin day bed. When I go to bed at nihgt, I often go alone, which is quite lovely. But I wake up with both Luke and Belle in bed with me. I am smashed up against the wall while the two dogs are stretched out.

Something is wrong with that...

Now I don't necessarily believe everything Brian McLaren does, but I saw this today on his blog...and thought I'd share.

If you have driven around Dallas at all, it is very possible that you have seen a billboard like this. While I was home over the break, I saw a couple of these signs. A couple of weeks ago, I finally checked out the site. If you haven't been to www.iamsecond.com yet, then go...NOW. There are different people, well-known and common folk, that are simply telling their stories about when they realized that they are second and Christ is first. Check it out.

When you see a church that’s empty,
Though its doors are open wide,
It’s not the church that’s dying,
It’s the laymen who have died.

For it’s not by song or sermon
That the church’s work is done,
It is the laymen of our country
Who for God must carry on.

--W.A. Criswell

Happy New Year!

New Year's is always a time to reflect on the past year and look forward in expectancy for the upcoming year.

I went to a NYE party last night where I was asked to write down my new year's resolution. I think the last time I actually wrote down a resolution was in middle school. After returning to school from Christmas break, it seemed teachers always had us write a paper about our resolutions....lame.

Needless to say, I'm not sure I have given serious thought to a New Years resolution in a few years. I would throw random statement out when someone would ask about it, but knew all along I probably wouldn't keep whatever resolution I made up.

So I thought about it, and here's my resolution. It's one I would like to keep.

I want to be happy, genuinely happy. This past year, 2008, has probably been the hardest year of my life. My heart was shattered, which may arguably have been my own fault. I graduated and left a place that had been my home for four years. I spent four years developing friendships with people that within the matter of weeks faded away. I moved to a new, strange place and started over. I lost someone that was very dear to me. 2008 wasn't the greatest of years.

But I know that God has big things in store for 2009... I'm banking on it.

I can't believe the semester is already over. I have been in Commerce for a mere five months, but there are some days that I feel like I have been here forever. Of course, there are other days that I feel like I have been here two days.

This semester has been a tough one. It's hard to move off to a place where you don't know a soul and start all over. Mix in the fact that your WHOLE LIFE is supposed to be about ministering to people. I think I fell on my face. A lot.

But I learned a lot too. I learned that ministry is hard....really hard. And I have to love people not out of obligation, but because Jesus loves them. I learned that true friends will be there for you, no matter how many miles away they live. I learned that being an adult is hard, but I can do it. I also learned that a pre-written budget makes things go a lot easier.

I am looking forward to God doing some major things next semester. I will be leading a small group in the sorority houses, which I am continuing to pray about. I know that this is something God laid on my heart and He has allowed it all to work out so far. I pray that girls will be drawn closer to Him through studying His word. I am also praying for a spiritual awakening amongst the believers on the campus of A&M Commerce, both in the BSM and outside. I pray that these students would be so excited about what Jesus is doing in their lives, that they couldn't help but to talk about it.

finals memory

With finals week upon us, I am reminded of my first round of finals during my first semester of my freshmen year at SFA.

That semester, I took the cursed Chem 125 class. Not only was this class a total bore, but it has a Friday final....at 8 in the morning. I don't know what I did the night before the final, but I know that I woke up at about 9 30 on Friday morning. I rolled over in bed, looked at my clock, and yelled out a "not-so-Christian" word. Without washing my face or brushing my teeth, I took off. I SPRINTED all the way from my dorm room to the science building. As I made it to the lecture hall, I saw the last of the other students trickling out after finishing their final. I didn't know what to do, so I did something I am very ashamed of.... I lied

I'm pretty sure I told the professors (two professors team-taught the course) that I was sick, which was why I was late for the final. One of them showed small signs of sympathy while the other was pretty much apathetic. I begged them to let me take the final. By then it was 9:45, and the final was supposed to be from 8-10. I swore that I could take it in just 15 minutes, if they would just give me a chance.

Needless to say, I took the final and passed the class....

Margaret

Margaret wasn't just an aunt, but more like the older sister that I always wanted. See, she lived with us for a while after she graduated from college. My brother and I would come home from school and she would give us a snack and help us with our homework. This was often the time that Bubba and I would fight and argue in the worst way. Margaret would get so mad at us and tell us that we were the "best birth control."

Over the last couple of days, I have been reminded of so many different ways that Margaret has influenced my life.

She has done big things in my life, like influencing me to go to college.
Margaret was a lot of the reason I wanted to go to college. I remember one Christmas when she got us all ENMU shirts. I loved that T-shirt. I can vividly picture her college graduation. We went to Portales for the weekend and it was then that I decided that I wanted to go to college. After seeing where Margaret lived, meeting her friends, and visiting the campus with Margaret, I knew that if my college experience was anything like Margaret's, I would be happy.

My senior year in high school, Margaret was probably more excited than me about starting to look for the right university. She took off and went with me, a friend, and my mom to visit Texas A&M. She made ME excited about going to school!

I don't know if I ever told her how much it truly meant for me to come to my college graduation. It was so special that she made such a big effort to gather up the kids and Jeremey to drive over three hours to Nacogdoches after a full day at work. They then got up early the next morning to sit in a muggy colisseum for my few seconds of fame as my name was called and I walked across the stage. Once we got back to my house, I was expecting them to say goodbye and head out. But Margaret and Jeremey saw that I was an emotional wreck and volunteered to stick around and help me and my parents pack up my things so I could move back home. Margaret was always one of the most selfless and giving people I knew.

Margaret was always doing selfless things, simply to show someone that she loved them. My sophmore year of high school, my mom was diagnosed with colon cancer. She had to have major surgery and was in the hospital for quite sometime in the fall. It just so happened that she was going to be in the hospital over my high school's homecoming. Knowing that there were other things to worry about, I didn't mention anything. But Margaret did not want me to miss out. She and Stephanee, her best friend, came to our house on the night of the event. They helped me get ready, did my make up, re-styled my hair after I hated what the stylist did, and took lots of pictures. Margaret not only didn't want me to miss out, but she didn't want my mom to miss the event.

Margaret also influenced me in the smallest ways too. I realized that I always try to keep clear or a natural color paint on my fingernails, because that's what she did. Somehow, it's like I thought that if I kept my nails painted, I could be beautiful, like her.

I always wanted to be like her. She seemed to have everything that I could have ever wanted.

In her room in Carlsbad, Margaret had a trundle bed that I loved. As a kid, I always wanted a trundle bed so I could be as cool as her. She also had a vanity in her room. When we used to visit Carlsbad, I would sneak off in her room and sit at her vanity. I would pretend I was putting on make-up, getting ready for a big date or a night out with my friends. I wanted to be just my beauitful Aunt Margaret.

When I was in seventh grade at a brand new junior high, I somehow got the guts to run for student council. Why? Because Margaret was student body president at her university. And I wanted to be like her. In fact, when I won the student council election, Margaret bought me a charm bracelet with my first charm, a gavel. I still treasure that charm bracelet.

Margaret collected crosses, so I started to collect them too. I seemed to think that only "cool" people collected crosses, and I wanted to be cool, like Margaret.

Margaret's wedding to Jeremey will forever be the ideal wedding to me. Even now, many years later, I always compare every wedding to hers. In my opinion, she had the most beautiful and most incredible wedding I have ever been to. I can only wish that my wedding will be as magical and perfect as hers was.

She used to have a standard car. I used to love to ride around with her, with Green Day playing in the background while she let me change gears whenever she would say, "shift!" I thought I was so cool. I wanted a manual car for a long time for that reason.


I remember a lot about her.

When we were young, my brother and I used to go up to Carlsbad for a week every summer. I remember one time when she was driving me and my brother back to Carlsbad. We spent the whole eight hours making up silly rules for the car ride. Some of our silly rules included if you needed to pass gas, you would have to stick your rear out the window while one of us held your hand. She also made it clear that there would be no asking "how much further" or an excessive amount of pit stops.That's one big thing Margaret taught me, to live your life in each moment. Don't simply let it pass you by, but enjoy every minute of it.

Apparently when Margaret was really young, she had quite the imagination. She made up an original song to sing while taking a shower. I made it my mission one summer to have her teach me that song. Even to this day, everytime I go to some sort of camp or retreat, I always teach the people I am with Margaret's shower song. Most of the girls from my home church can sing this song by heart too, because they have heard it so much.


But Margaret did not just make an impact on me when I was younger. In the recent years, I have found myself idolizing her in numerous ways. She showed me how to be a woman of character and integrity. She was a working woman and a devoted mom. She sought hard after the Lord and encouraged me in pursuing work in the ministry.

In this whole situation, I think what breaks my heart the most is the kids. Gretchen and Barton may not remember their mom as I do. In a way, I feel guilty that I knew Margaret so well. But I have decided that I do not simply want to be a cousin to Gretchen and Barton. I want to be like Margaret and go the extra mile so they know that I love them. And hopefully, they will catch a glimpse of their beautiful mom in me.

This is my aunt Margaret. She looks too young to be an aunt, huh? Well, she was more like an older sister. She was just 34, married to an amazing man with two beautiful kids, 2 and 4, who I would do anything for. I adored Margaret.

I don't understand it, and frankly, I'm a little angry about it. Margaret passed away this week. She was helping a friend with a rent house in Albequrque. (she was always one of the most loving, giving people I knew) They got there late Thursday night. She called Jeremey at home to tell him that she made it okay. Then, she and her friend turned on the heat before going to bed. Unfortunately, the furnace was broken and had a leak. Margaret never woke up. She and her friend passed away from carbon monoxide poisoning.

So if you have time, I beg you to please pray for Jeremey and their kids, Gretchen and Barton.

so....its been a while

I have been up to a lot in the past couple of months... rather..God has been up to a lot. But Iw ant to share one story in particular.

Last Monday was the WMU World Day of Prayer. Our local association, the Hunt Baptist Association was hosting this event in Lone Oak, a small town about an hour outside of Commerce. I had been asked to lead out in the time of prayer for North America, so I knew I had to be on time. I was not completely sure where I was going. I had gotten turned around a couple of times, so I was definitly running a little behind.

I finally made it Lone Oak, but still not totally sure where the retreat center was. However, as I was pulling into the town, I saw this lady that was at least fifty years old walking down the two-lane highway. As I was beginning to pass her, I thought "I should pick her up." But knowing I was running late, I went ahead and passed her. I didnt get far before I felt bad and turned around, but then I remembered I was running late and turned back to find the retreat center. I got about a mile down the highway and I just KNEW I had to pick her up.

After stopping to pick up my new friend, Ms. Mary, she explained that her gas had been stolen from her truck for the THIRD DAY. I took her to the police station. Sometime during our conversation, I told her that I was in Lone Oak for a World Day of Prayer and invited her to join me. She was SO EXCITED TO!

We showed up a little late, but the ladies at the retreat center didn't mind at all. The World Day of Prayer went great, and I can say with confidence that I wasn't the only one who enjoyed Ms. Mary's presence.

As I was taking Ms. Mary back home, she went on and on praising the Lord for how things had worked out for her. She said that she was about to get laid off for the Rubbermaid factory, she was in a financial bind, and she was in the "eye of the storm," but she was going to keep praising the Lord.

I want faith like Ms. Mary's.

Happy 150th Post!!!

So I have decided that one of my favorite parts of doing collegiate ministry is that I can live vicariously through other students. For instance, while at SFA, I always wished I could have taken more art classes. Not only did I not have the space in my schedule, but I probably don't have the patience to work on ONE art piece for weeks at a time. However, it turns out that A&M Commerce has a pretty big art program. I have been able to help a couple of students with their art pieces, at my convenience. The best part is, when I want to quit and go home, I can!

Another example, I have always wanted to take a photography class. Just so happens we have a few photo majors at the BSM. I had one student take me up to the photo room and show me all the fun machines and gadgets that process the film. I am hoping to go with her next time she has to process film, and see the whole thing in action.

As a leadership team, we are working our way through UnChristian. I started reading this book earlier this summer, but it brings a whole new perspective on it when you discuss it with other people. I almost feel like the UnChristian book was written about me. I have a lot of the same ideas that are expressed in the book. I totally understand why non-believers aren't big fans of the church. Heck! There are plenty of times that I'm not a big fan of the church. ("church" as in body of believers, not building with a steeple).
This book deals with a lot of the conceptions not-yet-believers have of Christians today. Our leadership team so far has discussed the issues of hypocrisy and being too concerned with numbers. I was shocked with how many people (not just our leadership team) were taken aback by what the research showed.
Needless to say, next week, we are taking about the people thinking that Christians are anti-homosexual. Should be an interesting conversation..and yours truly is leading it....

LOVE it!

Ministry is hard

I have been in Commerce for 5 weeks now. Classes have been in session for two weeks. Some days I feel like I have been here for only a couple days. Other days, I feel like I have been here forever.

I have found the toughest thing about doing ministry, at least collegiate ministry, is you can't force someone to have a heart for the campus. I want so badly to get into the students' minds and make them understand that there is a whole campus out there that does not know the Lord. I want them to have compassion for these people.

I can tell them over and over again about Jesus' heart for all, but until it "clicks" with them, I can only sit back, encourage them, and above all, pray for the campus...which is exactly what I intend to do.